


First Contact

by Lena_Hime



Series: Offcast - A Mass Effect story [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Cannon but not cannon, Like really slow, Mass Effect 1, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-03-16 17:23:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 76,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3496598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lena_Hime/pseuds/Lena_Hime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alessa Shepard is a badass.<br/>Earthborn, orphan, she had to fend for herself her whole life, fighting her way up the military ranks and proving herself the best damn marine that ever was. She's a fighter, a survivor. That's what she does, and she loves it, living for the fighting, for the fire on the battlefield, for the adrenaline rush.<br/>But this time, she finds herself in a situation that might be a little too insane for her to handle.<br/>Aboard of the Normandy, with a pilot who doesn't know when to shut up, a crew that would fallow her into hell, and a team of aliens she randomly recruited all over the galaxy, she'll fight with all she has, not just for survival, but to protect everything she believes in and cares about.</p><p>- Or: a story about Shepard trying to save the galaxy, Joker trying (and failing) not to fall in love with her, and everything else that happens during the first game, through the eyes of different characters.</p><p>(Rated M for (eventual) language and sexual content. The beginning is safe, though.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A journey of a thousand miles

**Author's Note:**

> Just so you know, this is my first fanfic in TEN years, so go easy on me. I could use some feedback too.  
> Also, English is not my native language, so there might be a few fuckups on the way. Please, let me know, and I'll fix them right away.  
> The story starts slow, and is mostly about Shepard and how people see her, but there's a lot of Joker too, because I love him, so, yeah.  
> The POV changes a lot, and I sincerely hope to portrait the character alright.
> 
> So, yeah, I hope you enjoy =)

\- David Anderson

 

( _2172 - Earth_ )

She was... Tiny. The tiniest little thing I'd ever seen. I looked at her files again. 54? She couldn't have been born in 54. She would be eighteen, then, and she didn't look like eighteen. Fourteen, maybe, but never eighteen.

"You were born…?"

"San Francisco, sir. 2154." she answered, her voice steady.

"When in 2154?"

"April sir. I'm told it was April 11, but can't be really sure. Grew up on the streets, my papers aren't really that reliable."

I stared at her, as she looked straight ahead, shoulders squared in a perfect posture that most marines didn't manage until their second year of training. Her hair was reddish, like fire, a little too short, sticking out in every direction, like it refused to behave as told. She had fire in her eyes too, and fresh scars everywhere, and everything about her screamed FIGHT at high volumes.

She was a soldier alright. The tiniest soldier I've ever seen, but a soldier nevertheless.

"How long since you signed up?"

"Six weeks, sir."

"And you already have a two pages long list of recommendations?"

The corners of her lips twisted a little before falling back into a perfectly straight line. She was proud, but not too much. Usually a good thing.

"I do as I'm told, sir. And I do it the best way I can."

She sounded almost defiant, like she was daring me to say otherwise, to ask for proof. I didn't need any.

"Do you know why I'm here, Shepard?"

"No, sir."

"Have you ever heard about the N-program?"

And just like that, her eyes sparkled, looking greener than they were two words before. I had to hold back a chuckle.

"Y-yes, sir."

"Good. Let's talk about it a little, shall we?"

 

***

 

( _2176 - SSV Tokyo_ )

She was sitting very awkwardly outside of the already overwhelmed med bay, wearing ragged jeans and a bloodied hoodie that looked very weird on her, like she was born to wear uniform, and anything different from that looked just out of place.

When the fuss from the Blitz was over and we managed to pick the ground teams up from Elysium, someone told me that the so called resistance that managed to hold back the Batarian forces long enough for reinforcements to arrive was actually a bunch of N-4 kids on shore leave.

"… And the one commanding it looks like a teenager, I'm telling you." someone was saying as I crossed the CIC, and then it all clicked inside my head.

It had been four years since I recruited that tiny little soldier back on Earth, to see if she could handle the N-program. Four years since she said yes without even blinking, even though I told her how hard the program was, and how people actually died during the training, and how most of the initial recruits hardly made it to the third level.

Four years. That would make her an N-4 by then. And she was definitely capable of pulling a stunt like that one on Elysium.

So I hurried down to the med bay, and found her sitting there. Her hair was longer, falling over her shoulders in a wild way, a little burnt at the ends, but as red as I remembered it. She had brand new scars added to the old ones, and a lot of ugly injuries that didn't seem to bother her at all. Her eyes were wide, but not in a fearful way. No, she was excited, blood boiling inside from the heat of battle.

I felt oddly proud, seeing her like that, like she was my own kid. Of course I was too young to be her father, and she probably didn't remember me anyway, but that didn't change what I felt.

I walked up to her, certain that she would never recognize me, but decided to congratulate her anyway.

"Soldier." I said, stopping right in front of her.

She fixed her eyes on me, straight on my face, and then jumped from her seat.

"Lieutenant Anderson, sir!" she said, standing on her perfect posture and throwing me a perfect salute. I chuckled, despite my best efforts.

"That would be Captain now, Shepard, and you can relax. You're not on duty in this ship."

"I'm always on duty, Captain, sir…" she said, a hint of awe slipping trough her act, as she fell at ease a little "Sorry, sir. I didn't realize."

"It's quite alright, I'm not used to it myself yet. I see you've survived half of the N-program already. How have you been?"

She gave me the tiniest smile, pride and wit overflowing from her eyes.

"I'm good, sir. Training is tough, but, it makes us good. We wouldn't be able to do what we did down there without it."

"Yes, I hear you commanded the whole operation, is that right?" I asked, and she blushed a little.

"I'm no Commander, sir, but I did what I could."

"And you did good, child." I dropped my hand on her shoulder and gave it a little squeeze, and she blushed harder, almost unable to hide her pride. Hell, I couldn't hide mine either. "Should get patched up, though. Those wounds look nasty."

"I'm just waiting for the rest of my team to get treated first. I'm not so bad, really." She sent a well hidden worried look over her shoulder towards the med bay, and I saw right there all the qualities of a good Commander starting to show up.

_She's going far, this one._

"Well, in that case, why don't we go get some coffee at the mess? Sitting around and waiting won't help anyone."

"I'm not sure if I should…"

"Come on, kid. You were a hero down there today. You've earned a cup of coffee."

 

\- Alessa Shepard

 

( _2183 - Terra Nova_ )

Patience. I waited, very still, until the target came into my line of fire. He walked fast, pulling the little girl by the arm, yelling at her as she cried. She stumbled and fell hard, and he raised his hand to slap her.

I pulled the trigger, and he was dead. He was never going to hit her again.

"Target is down, I repeat, target is down." I said, breathing the tension out of my body.

"Understood, Contact Team is moving in now." said Ramirez, as he hurried his team inside the building. A minute later, I could see him through my scope. "Girl is fine, Commander. Nice shot, by the way."

"Isn't it always?" I smiled, and he smiled back at me.

As I turned to leave the tower I was camping in for the past forty five minutes, my omnitool made a _pling_ kind of noise I've never heard it making before. Apparently, that noise was for top secret messages only, and that particular one was from Anderson.

Last time I saw Anderson was a couple of years before, when we were both on shore leave on Elysium. Before that, he was there when they gave me the _Star of Terra_ for my actions during the Skyllian Blitz, then we met again in a military gala thing back on Earth, and later he came to my N7 graduation, all proud and emotional, and almost made me cry when he said he knew, from the moment he saw me, that I was gonna make it.

It was getting tricky, finding familiar faces around the galaxy. At this line of work, all familiar faces were either dead or fighting their own fights. Anderson's was one of the only familiar faces that kept coming up, and truth be told, I was kind of glad. He always felt like family to me, in some odd way.

I took a quick look at the message as I walked out, and then had to stop and read the whole thing very slowly, because I was pretty sure I had got something wrong, but as it turned out, I hadn't.

Anderson had selected me, specifically me, to be XO in his new ship, in a classified line of action. Hell, he wouldn't even say the name of the ship in the message. He said it was a small ship, small crew, very specific objectives, with a possible bonus for my career, whatever that meant.

He also said that test run would be happening sometime in the next week, and I could join him if I wanted, but the action would officially begin in three weeks. If I wanted the position, that is.

"Commander? Shepard, are you there?" Ramirez voice snapped me back into reality.

"I'm here."

"Pick up in five minutes, Ma'am. Are you okay there?"

"Be there in five." I said, fixing my rifle over my shoulder and typing a quick reply to Anderson's message.

 

_Re: I'm in._

 

***

 

Ramirez stopped at the edge of my bunk, staring at me as I packed up.

"Ramirez." I said, not looking up. That was going to be difficult.

"Cut the crap on me, will you, Alessa? You own me at least that much." He was using my first name. Yep, definitely going to be difficult.

I stopped, sat on the bunk and stared at him. He was angry, and I could hardly blame him. I sucked at good byes. If I could help it, I would sneak out of the ship without telling anybody, but I had to get my paper work signed by my current CO, and after that, well… News always ran fast in a small crew.

"Sorry, Joey. I didn't know what to say, so…"

"So you were going to leave without saying anything?"

"Well…" Shit. Why couldn't I learn my lesson? _You never date crew, Shepard!_

"Wow. Now that's just perfect. Is that what I mean to you, Shepard? Not even a goodbye?"

"No! Joey, it's not like that. This isn't about what you mean to me. This is just… I just… I really suck at good byes. Always had, and you know it. It's not like…"

"You know what, Shepard?" he interrupted me sharp and rough, his voice rising a little. "Good luck on your new job. Little piece of advice, though: don't get involved with your crew when you get there. You're probably gonna fuck it up too."

I watched as he left, biting back the emotional crap I had almost flying out my mouth. That would help nobody. Instead, I continued packing my stuff. One week. One week from there and I would be XO on Anderson's ship. All this crap would be left behind, and I would never, EVER, date crew again.


	2. The Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because Joker fell in love twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, just to get it out of my system. =)

\- Joker.

 

( _2183 - Arcturus Station_ )

"Are you out of your mind?!" I heard that Dillard guy shouting inside Hackett's office, for about the fourth time. That guy sure was a pain in the ass.

Hackett's secretary, Anita something, was looking very nervous, staring at me, and then at the door, and then at me again. She would jump a little whenever Dillard's voice was loud enough to hear from her desk.

Well, that was it, then. I was going to be imprisoned. Executed as a crazy ass terrorist too, if Dillard could do something about it, but prison was a sure thing.

At least, I got one shot at flying her.

_Normandy_. God, she was a beauty. All curvy and sleek, using state-of-the-art stealth technology, powered by an unique and still experimental piece of equipment called the Tantalus Drive Core, which was, believe me or not, twice the size of any other core in  any other ship. And the _Normandy_ was a compact baby, so congrats to the engineers who managed to fit that giant thing in there.

She was tricky to fly, but, oh, she was so worth getting court-martialed for. And the looks on all the brass' faces watching the test flight, not to mention the pilots on the fighter patrol who tried to take me down, when I stepped outside the airlock, the guy who hijacked their super sophisticated starship, relying on crutches and leg braces to actually move around…

Oh, the joy of being the best, and rubbing it on everybody's faces.

One of the fighter pilots went to flight school with me. I could swear he was having a stroke right there. And that Invectus guy? He could barely hide his amazement. And he's a Turian, for fuck's sake.

That ship and I were made for each other. No secret there. I knew the moment I saw her. I fell in love. I was doomed. I told that Invectus guy I could fly her better than whoever they selected for the job, and he went on and told me he would never allow a cripple to fly such a magnificent ship.

Oh well, I showed him, didn't I? I showed them all what the cripple could do.

"That is outrageous!" Dillard shouted again, and yanked the door open. Inside the office, I could see Hackett rubbing his eyes in frustration. I bet he was thinking: _Thank god my job is out there with the Fifth Fleet. Ten more minutes of this shit and I would have shot someone dead._

Dillard walked by giving me a death glare and telling me I would be court-martialed and imprisoned for my crimes. Yeah, well, no news there.

Invectus walked right behind him, and nodded at me. The Turian badass general who told me a cripple would never fly the _Normandy_ nodded at me, and I could swear he was giving me an appraising look. That was some weird shit right there.

I shifted on my seat, feeling suddenly nervous. Maybe Dillard _had_ managed to pull some really bad punishment for me. Bad enough that the Turian guy felt actually sorry. Maybe I would never be allowed to fly again. Oh shit, that would be bad.

A third guy walked out of Hackett's office and closed the door behind him. He was there watching the test flight too, a Captain something, didn't really catch his name over Dillard's extremely loud complaints. He gave me a stern look and as he stood right in front of me. He reminded me of my dad a little, the way he would get annoyed by my exaggerated need to prove myself capable.

"Flight Lieutenant Moreau."

"Captain, sir. I'm very sorry, I didn't catch your name with all that…" Mess? Noise? Bullshit? With my ego blocking all of my senses? Yeah, good move, Moreau.

"Yes, Captain Dillard can be very loud when he's upset." _Don't laugh. Whatever you do, don't laugh._ "I'm Captain David Anderson."

He offered me his hand to shake, and I got that very distinct feeling that I was being underestimated again. Sure, be nice to the cripple, he's just very disturbed, we can't really blame him for anything. The only thing I hated more than prejudice was pity.

"Captain, sir" I started, ignoring his hand completely "With all due respect, you don't have to be polite with me. I am very aware that I hacked and hijacked a top secret spaceship during a test run, and I understand that there will be consequences, so whatever punishment is it that you decided for me, just tell me and I'll take it, no questions asked. Let's not waste our times, shall we?"

His face turned into a "pain in the ass" frown, witch was way better. That I knew how to handle. Cripple or not, everybody treated jackasses the same way.

"You certainly have an attitude on you, son."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."

"You see, Mr. Moreau, I am curious." He sat down on the chair beside me, never breaking eye contact. "Why did you do that?"

Oh, hell. Here we go.

"Look, sir, no offense but, do you know anything about me? According to my files, I'm the most qualified pilot on this station, the best of the best. But as soon as you people see the crutches, my files, all my commendations, it all goes out trough the nearest airlock." I said, in one breath. "I was born to pilot that ship, and the only way I could manage to prove that was by stealing it. So, yeah, I'm not even sorry."

He stared at me quietly for a moment, before breaking eye contact, adjusting himself comfortably on his seat.

"You remind me of this soldier I recruited once." He said, suddenly, with a chuckle. "You know, Mr. Moreau, general Invectus said that you were impressive. He pointed out that your plan was audacious, that you adapted quickly to an adverse situation, and kept your cool even when under attack. He also said you were exactly the kind of person we needed to pilot that specific ship."

Well, I'll be damned. For the first time in my life, I had no words. I just stared at him, perfectly aware that I was wide eyed and gaping a little. He chucked again.

"You see, I agree with him." He went on "You were, of course, very unorthodox on your methods, and you will have to be punished for you actions. But as it is, I wouldn't let any other helmsman into my ship but you, Mr. Moreau." Then he looked me in the eye again, and asked: "What do you say?"

I felt my face turning into a wide smile, and had to do my best not to laugh. "Hold on. Are you telling me that it actually worked?"

 

***

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

"Dad, I really have to go." Dammit. You could always count on my father to call at the worst time possible.

"Alright, alright, just remember to take your meds and exercise frequently. Vrolik's Syndrome is not an acceptable excuse to be lazy. Oh, and Gunny says hi."

"Tell her I said hi too. Gotta go, bye."

I turned on my seat to make sure nobody was listening. After taking a week of mandatory classes on military ethics - punishment for my oh-so-dreadful crimes -, I was finally starting my first day as helmsman of the _SSV Normandy SR-1_.

Boy, I was proud. My family was proud. My neighbors were proud. My former flight instructors threw a party on my behalf.

So of course dad would call me at work on my first day, just when Captain Anderson was about to bring aboard the badass N7 star, Commander Shepard herself. She was going to be our XO.

Crew was small and arriving slowly, but we would be departing in two days tops, and Anderson was thrilled with having Shepard with us. Two days ago, when he got me a beer, all he would talk about was her.

 

_"She was so small when I first saw her. The mighty heroin of Elysium looked like a child, no less! Nobody would believe it, seeing her on civilian clothes. But then she would start barking orders, organizing people… Have you ever seen the footage of the ground team holding back the Batarians? It's impressive. Really impressive." He said, and finished his beer. "You remind me of her. You both have a lot in common, actually."_

_Now that had to be a joke. What could the famous badass war heroin have in common with an awkward half criminal pilot with breaky legs like myself? Besides a very drunk CO, that is._

_"When I first saw her, she looked just like you, ready for a fight, eager to prove herself. She's still the same, you know. She just hides it better now, but she's lives for the battle. That's who she is."_

_"Yeah, yeah" I said, finishing my own beer. "You should go home, Captain. I think you're a little drunk."_

 

"Joker" Anderson's voice kicked me out of my flashback. I looked up to see him standing beside my seat with a weird look on his face.

"Sorry, Captain, I was running some…"

"That's alright, Joker. I want you to meet Commander Alessa Shepard. She's going to be the _Normandy_ 's Executive Officer." He said in a hurry, and I realized he was trying to hold his excitement back.

Then I turned a little further and saw her standing by his side. I gotta say, I wasn't all that impressed.

She was… Small? Well, not really small, she was kinda short, but had a very strong frame, and the look on her face was the perfect picture of determination.

She had a messy red hair falling around her face, and a couple of deep old scars, one crossing her nose left to right and another going up through her left eyebrow and disappearing on the hair line. Her eyes were deep green, her lips were thick, pressed into a perfectly straight line, shoulders perfectly squared, impeccable posture, like she had just walked out of a recruitment poster.

But still, she was definitely shorter than me.

"Uh…" I reached out for my crutches, but she raised a hand to stop me.

"That's alright, Lieutenant, you don't have to get up. We're not even on duty yet." And there it was. Let's all pity the cripple.

I managed to perform a crooked salute from my awkward position, and she did the same. "Sure. Heard a lot about you, Commander. It's an honor." _Yeah, yeah. You let me do my job, I'll let you do yours._

"Heard a lot about you too, and about the ship. I'm looking forward to work together, Lieutenant."

"You can call me Joker, Commander. Everybody does." Now, why the hell did I say that?

Her face made this weird thing, with one eyebrow going up a little bit and her lips twitching, and then everything fell back into place and she gave me a very diplomatic smile. "Alright, then. Joker it is."

"Come on, Shepard. Let's see the rest of the ship" Anderson urged her towards the CIC.

She gave me a nod before leaving, and left me with a very distinct impression that she was still figuring out how to handle social interactions as an XO.

Well, no surprise there. She was a soldier after all. Everyone in the Alliance had heard at least one crazy story about Commander Shepard's impressive maneuvers on the battlefield. Having people all over the galaxy know just how good of a fight you are is the mark of a true N7. All fight, no chit-chat. But I suppose I expected her to be a lot more… Intense.

Well, who knew.


	3. Make the call.

\- Steven Hackett

 

( _2183 - Arcturus Station_ )

"What about Shepard? Earthborn… But no record of her family." Udina said, picking up another datapad. Even through the vidcomm I could see that he didn't look very pleased, but then again, when did he ever looked pleased at all?

The mention of Shepard's name made Anderson's chest rise up a bit. He tilted his head a little, chin up, eyes on fire. That kid was going to be the end of him. "Doesn't have one. She was raised on the streets. Learned to look out for herself." He said in a grave voice.

"She proved herself during the Blitz. Held off enemy forces on the ground until reinforcements arrived." I cut in, staring at her files on my datapad. Truth be told, she was my choice all along. Tough kid, a little rough on the edges and not all that fond of rules, but capable of doing her job nevertheless. And an artist on the battlefield, of course. The things she was capable of doing during a fight were something you could only imagine happening inside of action vids.

"She's the only reason Elysium is still standing." Anderson added, to get a more dramatic perspective on it. Not that he was wrong.

Udina wrinkled his nose. Unlike me, he didn't like Shepard so much. He thought of her as a loose cannon, which wasn't all that far from the truth, but wasn't a bad thing either. She had a code of her own, not as diplomatic as one might hope, but a righteous one.

And as a Turian friend pointed out recently, unorthodox people are the strength of human race.

"Well, we can't question her courage, that's for sure." Udina said, sounding even more unpleased than he looked.

"Humanity needs a hero. And Shepard is the best we've got." Anderson pointed out, and he was right. My grandkids wanted to be like Shepard. Every human in the galaxy had heard of her heroics.

"I'll second that, Udina." I said.

Udina sighed. If he wasn't so desperate to get a human into the Spectre force, he would have refused, but he wasn't in position to do that right then. He needed a human Spectre to put humans higher into the list of races to join the Citadel Council.

He needed Shepard, liking it or not.

"I'll make the call, then." He said finally. The holo of his vidcomm waved a little and then disappeared completely, leaving only Anderson's in front of me.

"Well, I'm glad that worked out." I said, rubbing my eyes. "He must be desperate."

"Admiral, you know she's our best shot, don't you?" Anderson eased a little, but seemed worried out of his wits.

"I know, Anderson. We both know that. And I strongly believe she'll make it. It's just… Udina hates her. She's too strong-minded for him to control, and we know he just loves controlling things."

Anderson chuckled. "Can't argue with that."

"Did you pick up Nihlus yet?"

"He'll be arriving tomorrow, just before takeout." He tensed. "You know I don't like Turian Specters, don't you?"

"I know." I sighed. Anderson had a point. Turian weren't very fond of us, and wouldn't be the first time one of them tried to ruin our chances with the Council. "The first human Spectre should have been you, my friend. But Shepard is a good soldier. Guide her, and she won't make the same mistakes you made. It'll work."

"I hope so. She deserves that, Hackett. She fights harder than anyone." He looked down at his hands with the concern of a father. Huh. When he got divorced, I was sure he was done with the whole family thing. Who would have guessed. "Will you be here to see the _Normandy_ off on it's first mission?"

"No, I'll be leaving Arcturus in a few hours. The fleet will be heading towards the edge of the Terminus for a while, to keep an eye out for Batarian pirates. We heard rumors, and nobody wants them to pull anything like that Blitz again. You keep me posted, Captain."

"Will do, Admiral."

"Hackett out." I said, turning off the comm.

All that was left to do was wait and see.


	4. Eden Prime

\- Kaidan Alenko

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

"The Arcturus Prime relay is in range. Initiating transmission sequence." Joker said, moving his hands really fast trough a sequence of holo screens I could barely make out. "We are connected. Calculating transit mass and destination."

There was something smug about the way he was communicating the procedures through open comm. Not quite his usual arrogant tone, but very, very close to that. Couldn't really blame him, though. It was the _Normandy_ 's first official mission.

"The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations secure for transit." He kept going. Not even having the Turian Spectre standing right over his shoulder could get him out of his moment. "The board is green. Approach run has begun. Hitting relay in 3… 2… 1…"

He was smiling under the brim of his hat, so focused on flying he didn't even noticed as Shepard walked into the cockpit. I, on the other hand, almost jumped out of my seat. Dammit. _Control, Kaidan. You have to control yourself._

So, one second we were flying into Arcturus space, and the next we were thrown halfway across the galaxy through a blue light, and the ship didn't even made a hum. That was the best job I've ever got.

"Thrusters… check. Navigation… check. Internal emission sink engaged. All systems online. Drift… just under 1500 K." He offered the report to no one in particular, just letting everybody know he was doing good.

Sitting on the co-pilot's seat, all I could do was verify some secondary functions, but hey, I was a Staff Lieutenant, nobody expected much more from me. Besides, I was having a hard time trying not to look at Shepard. She was impressive, and kind of scary in a way.

When she first walked into the ship, it surprised me to see how small she actually was. For someone capable of the things she did, that is. But then she lined people up and made her XO speech, and she would grow taller after every word, until she was filling the room with her presence. And it wasn't even that much of a speech, I tell you.

She was restless too, always going somewhere, always looking for something, constantly on the move, and she had this stern look on her face most of the time, as if she could stare things down into their right places, but sometimes she'd look out into open space from the cockpit, and her eyes would sparkle in a beautiful, kind of amazing, way.

And yeah, alright, she was also very pretty, kind of distracting too, so I decided, from moment one, to keep my distance.

Easier said than done.

"1500 is good. Your Captain will be pleased." Said Nihlus, the Turian Spectre that boarded with us. His voice was tight, but he didn't seem as much of a jerk as every Turian I've met before, so he was kind of on my good side. For the moment.

He turned around and left. Joker was ready to send Nihlus a critical look over the shoulder, but he met Shepard's stern eyes when he lifted his head, and all he did was snort a little, looking back at his console.

"I hate that guy." He declared, because of course he had an opinion on everything and everyone.

I rolled my eyes. "Nihlus gave you a compliment… So you hate him?" _Very mature, Joker. And in front of our XO, no less._

He snorted again. "You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom? That's good. _I_ just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that's incredible!" He said, and _that_ was his usual arrogant tone. Shepard stepped closer behind his seat, and there it was, the beautiful gleam in her eyes. Dammit. "Besides," Joker went on "Spectres are trouble. I don't like having him on board. Call me paranoid."

"You're paranoid." I stated. Joker did have some gut, though, letting his bullshit out in front of the Commander like that. But if that bothered her, she was hiding it quite well. "The Council helped found this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment."

"Yeah, that is the official story. But only an idiot believes the official story." He said, and my head snapped up, not to look at him, but to look at Shepard. No reaction on her side. Dammit! I wondered if Joker took advantage of his condition to annoy people, knowing nobody would actually punch him straight in the face. Because sometimes, he surely deserved it.

"Well, they don't send Spectres on shakedown runs." Shepard said, still staring absently outside. Did that mean she thought I was an idiot?

"So there's more going on here than the Captain is letting on." Joker stated, and one second later, as if he'd been waiting for his cue, Captain Anderson came in trough the comm.

"Joker! Status report." He said.

Joker snorted once again, and mumbled something on the lines of _'Does anyone ever listen to me in this ship?'_ before answering "Just cleared the mass relay, Captain. Stealth systems engaged. Everything looks solid."

"Good. Find a comm buoy and link us to the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime."

"Aye, aye, Captain." Joker actually sounded respectful at that point, which was rare "Better brace yourself, sir. I think Nihlus is headed your way."

"He's already here, Lieutenant." Anderson's exasperated voice was almost comical. Joker shook his head a little, biting back whatever he had to say. Apparently, he did have some limits. "Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing."

"You get that, Commander?" Joker said, over his shoulder, and she looked away from the stars for the first time, setting a half amused half concerned look on the back of his head.

"Well, he sounds angry. Something must have gone wrong with the mission." She said, lightly.

"Pff. Captain always sounds like that when he's talking to me." Joker said, smiling a little. Was that pride on his face? I could swear it was pride.

That annoying little bastard.

"I can't possibly imagine why." I said, very serious, which earned me a sideway look and a silent chuckle from Shepard as she walked out of the cockpit.

Well, now I was blushing. Just perfect.

"What's that, golden boy? Getting shy around the Commander? Ain't that a little too 1st grade for you marines?" Joker said, and I couldn't quite tell where he was looking, since he'd just pulled the brim of his hat a little lower.

"I don't know how can you _not_ get nervous around her." I said, surprising even myself. "I mean, you have to know about her, about the things she did. She's not just another jarhead, she's a genius of the battlefield. I don't even know how to do anything around her without looking like a moron, because deep down, I'll always know she can do anything I do better than me. It's kind of frustrating."

Joker turned his head completely, and was staring straight into my face. "Gee, man, I was just messing with you, no need to get your panties on a twist for that."

And then it was my turn to snort. "Do you ever take anything seriously, Joker?"

"That's an interesting choice of words right there." He chuckled, and then straightened up. "Look, man, she's jut another soldier. Sure, she did some impressive things, 'cause she had to. Put on extreme situations, we're all capable of impressive things. Just don't let it get to you. If being around her gets your judgment clouded, you'll end up getting relocated. Or worse."

"Worse?"

"Yeah, you know, like, killed."

Now, I didn't know what to make out of that. Was he telling me to relax? Was he actually being nice?

Silence filled the cockpit as he focused completely on the navigation and comm connection and I drifted into my own thoughts. He was right. Not really a good moment to go all fanboy over Shepard. Not a good moment to get all worked up about her either, frat regs and other such details considered.

"Shit." Joker's tense voice caught my attention, and I looked up to his screen. "That's bad news."

I watched the images for a while, slightly stunned, before finding it on me to ask: "Is that from...?"

"Eden Prime, yes. Just intercepted it. Hang on." He opened the comm room channel as Captain was in the middle of a sentence.

"We should be getting close to Eden..." He was saying when Joker barged in.

"Captain! We've got a problem!" He said, turning the video back to the beginning. All I could do was stare blankly at the screen. What the hell was going on?

"What's wrong, Joker?"

"It's a transmission from Eden Prime, sir. You better see this."

"Bring it on screen."

Then Joker played the video from the beginning, and I watched again, taking in the disturbing images. Gun shots, soldiers running, and that sense of despair as more and more of them got lost in the action.

Someone went running towards the soldier whose feed we were watching, and shoved him down. He was badly hurt, and we could hear his sobs mingled with the sounds of explosions and gunfire.

An officer came on screen, grabbing the injured soldier by the armor and talking straight to the camera. "We're under attack! Taking heavy casualties, I repeat, heavy casualties! We can't..." He got shot and his shields went down with a blue-ish glow "Argh! We need..." Some static overran the audio feed, but we could still see explosions on the background. "We need evac! They came out of nowhere. We need..."

After that, the officer got shot and the soldier turned slowly towards the sky as a giant hand-like thing descended from the clouds, it's long weird fingers curling in a way that send chills up my spine. Then there were a few more explosions, and everything went dark.

There was a moment of thick silence trough the comm, before Joker talked again.

"Everything cuts out after that, no comm traffic at all. Just goes dead. There's nothing."

"Joker, reverse and hold at 38,5." Captain Anderson ordered, and Joker brought the feed back to the part with the giant hand-like thing. The silence after that was longer and even thicker. "Give me a status report."

"Seventeen minutes out, Captain. No other alliance ships in the area." Joker said, checking his screens for the third time since he intercepted the feed.

"Take us in, Joker, fast and quiet. This mission just got a lot more complicated." He said, with a sigh.

"A small strike team can move quickly without drawing attention, Captain Anderson. It's our best chance to secure the beacon." Nihlus stated. I was expecting Shepard to cut in at any moment, but she was quiet as a rock.

"Alright. Grab your gear and meet us in the cargo hold." The Captain said to Nihlus, who left right away. One second after the door closed, he changed his tone to talk to Shepard. "You alright there?"

"Yes." She said, in a very quiet, almost unrecognizable voice. I felt awkward listening to that conversation, like I was looking into something I shouldn't, but when I tried to make him close the comm, Joker just ignored me and kept it on. "It reminded me of the Blitz, that's all. What are your orders, Captain?"

"...Tell Alenko and Jenkins to suit up, Commander. You're going in."

Joker closed the feed, and turned his head slightly towards me, his face hard and very... Intense. "Hear that? Suit up, man, you've got work to do."

 

***

 

Next thing I knew, I was in full armor and out in the in the cargo hold. Jenkins was standing by my side, shuffling his feet in a nervous way. Shepard was standing a step ahead of us, and she was a little restless herself, but it was different. There was this energy emanating from her, like an aura or something. It was almost solid, colorful, burning hot and screaming for a fight.

She was ready for battle.

"Your team's the muscle in this operation, Commander." Anderson said to her, but he was staring at Jenkins and I as he talked. "Go in heavy and head straight for the dig site."

"What about survivors, Captain?" I asked. Usually, that's one of the first things we're required to look for on ground missions.

But then again, was there anything usual at all about this job?

"Helping survivors is a secondary objective. The beacon's your top priority, Lieutenant. Is that understood?"

"Aye, aye, Captain." _Man, that's just cold._

"Approaching drop point one, Captain." Joker announced trough open comm.

As if summoned, Nihlus stepped out of the shadows and prepared to jump.

"Nihlus? You're coming with us?" Jenkins said, his voice something in between terrified and annoyed.

"I move faster on my own." The Turian said, calmly. And one second later, he was gone.

I was liking that mission less and less.

"Nihlus will scout out ahead. He'll feed you status reports throughout the mission, but otherwise, I want radio silence." Anderson instructed us. Somehow, more than a Captain, he reminded me of an uncle, or a coach, you know, something of a paternal figure despite his military authority. He was giving us orders, but there was also concern in his voice, and even a hint of care. "The mission is yours now, Shepard. Good luck."

"Aye, aye, Captain." She said, and saluted him, and the energy she was giving off burned stronger, leaving Jenkins, Captain Anderson an myself out of reaction for a second.

"We're approaching drop point two, Captain." Joker announced.

"Alright, soldiers. Let's get it done." Shepard cracked her neck as she walked out.

"I have a bad feeling about this." Jenkins said, following her.

He would never believe just how right he was.

 

\- Ashley Williams

 

( _2183 - Eden Prime_ )

Oh, man. That had to be a bad joke.

One week out with the 212 unity on Eden Prime. One week, before I finally found a guy who did not feel intimidated by a fully armored girl like myself. One freaking week.

Then two days ago, I was sitting in that damn bar, with Sergeant Donkey trying his best to get into my pants, when my CO walked in and told us we were going down to a dig site in a recon mission. Apparently, a bunch of squints had unearthed some sort of beacon - Prothean shit, no less - that needed to be defended. And then we were introduced to the 232, the unit we'd be working with.

Then I met him.

About time I got lucky, right? I mean, you're born in a colony all the way out on the Ursae Majoris, but they send you to freaking _Brazil_ , Earth, for training camp. That's cool, though. You crawl your way out of the Sol system and up the ranks, turning into squad leader, then platoon guide, then you request a transfer to a shipboard posting, and what do you get? A two pages long list of 'denied' stamps, that's what.

And why, you ask? Because my goddamn grandpa surrendered the garrison at Shanxi to the Turians during fucking First Contact War. I mean, what was the guy supposed to do? Let the whole colony die on his watch? And how long ago was that anyway?

But hey, I could live with that. Hell, I learned to live with that. Us Williams always had to work twice as hard, and we didn't complain. So even when people kept turning me down, I just kept going, waiting for that moment of luck to finally find me. Even when they sent me to _Eden Prime_ , on the edge of the Terminus system, I was like: _Okay, bring it on, I'll just keep doing my best, and eventually I'm gonna get somewhere_.

Then I saw him at that bar, and I decided to take a shot. I mean, really, a girl needs some fun.

His name was Jared Dodson, from the 232. He was taller than me, which was a bonus, had pretty green eyes, and he liked my Lancer VII rifle, so yeah, why not, right? That's what I thought, anyway.

So two days later I was standing there, cleaning my rifle and smiling at him, and the next thing I knew, fucking Geth were falling off the sky and shooting everything to hell.

What the fuck?!

No-fucking-body made it. Nobody.

Jared died without even getting the chance to draw his gun. Donkey and Rasputin never made it back to my position, Bates disappeared, Jenner barely had time to send out a general warning before getting shot, and Pennyloafer was dead at my feet. My 6-man squad was all gone. Hell, the whole 212 was gone, and I was standing in the middle of freaking nowhere, fighting the freaking Geth on my own.

And then, they started sticking survivors on this huge spikes - I think I heard someone call that shit dragon's teeth - and turning them into husks. Husks. Everyone. Soldiers, colonists, any living person they could get their hands on. Husks.

And now they were coming for me.

I held my rifle tight against my chest, took a deep breath and went out of cover. _If I'm going down, then I'm gonna go shooting, and I'm gonna take as much of you as I can with me_.

I managed to get four of them down before the damn drone spotted me. I was ready. _Come on, fucker. Come and get me_.

A heavy hand pulled me into cover all of a sudden, and the drone exploded almost at my feet. I stared at it, and then at the hand that had pulled me down, and then at the woman to whom the hand belonged. She had a N7 emblem on the right side of her chest plate, a sniper rifle halfway drawn, and an angry look on her face.

Reinforcements. Thank god!

She tugged me down so hard it took me a moment to regain balance, but when I did, I got up and started shooting again. I'd be damned if I was going to let the goddamn Geth get away with killing my squad.

One minute later, the shooting had stopped, and angry-faced N7 lady turned to me. She was a freaking miniature! She barely reached my shoulder, and had to lift her head to look me in the eye. And aside from the generic-looking guy standing by her side, there was no one else with her. That was all the reinforcement I was gonna get.

Fucking hell.

"Uh... Gunnery chief Ashley Williams of the 212. Are you the one in charge, Ma'am?" I managed, feeling a little awkward. I've never had to look down to a superior before. Eye to eye? Sure. Eye to forehead was a first.

"Are you wounded, Williams?" She said, instead of answering. Damn, her voice was like thunder!

"A few scrapes and burns. Nothing serious, really. The others weren't so lucky..."

"Alright, Williams, I'm Commander Shepard, with the Alliance Navy. Can you give me a report?"

Okay, down to business then.

"I'm not sure if I qualify, Ma'am... I mean..." I paced up and down, trying to find the right words. I mean, how do you describe it? Everybody died? I didn't manage to do a damn thing? No matter how many details I added, the story would always end up the same way. "Oh man... We, uh, we were patrolling the perimeter when the attack hit. We tried to get off a distress call, but they cut off all communications. My squad... My unit was taken down and I've been fighting for my life ever since."

"All of your unity?"

"Well, we tried to double back to the beacon, but we walked into an ambush. I don't think any of the others... I think... I think I'm the only one left."

Dammit. How did I even let that happen...?

"This isn't your fault, Williams." She stated, as if she could hear my thoughts. I looked at her face again, and her eyes were in that _you do what you gotta do_ mode that all N7 officers had. "You did all you could. This was just a bad situation. I lost one of my men, and I'm not even here for that long."

Huh. "Yes, Ma'am. We held our positions as long as we could, until the Geth overwhelmed us." I said, and she nodded at every word, no judgment.

"The goddamn Geth haven't been seen outside the veil in nearly 200 years. They must have come for that beacon." She threw the rifle back over her shoulder and looked around and sighed. "Can youdescribe what happened leading up to the attack?"

"I don't have much information, Ma'am. You see, we were sent out a couple of nights ago from the main colony to secure this area. It seemed like a routine patrol, until the Geth hit us."

"What about to the researchers at the dig site?"

"I don't really know. They set up camp near the beacon, the 232 was with them. Maybe their unit fared better than mine."

"Hm. Did you happen to see a Turian Spectre around here?"

"Uh... There aren't any Turians on Eden Prime, Ma'am." _What now, more aliens sneaking around the colony?_ "None that I've ever met, anyway. I'm not sure I'd be able to tell if one was a Spectre, though."

"You'd know." Said the tall generic-looking guy who had been just standing there, completely silent, all that time. "The guy carries enough firepower to wipe out a whole platoon. Luckily, he's on our side."

"Sorry. Like I said, no Turians."

"That's quite alright, Williams." She nodded at me once again and then looked around. "Can you tell me where...?"

"It's close, Ma'am. Just over that rise." I pointed out. "It might still be there."

"Acknowledged." One more nod, and she started to head out, but stopped and turned towards me instead. "You know, we could use some help, soldier. What do you say?"

I thought she would never ask! "Aye, aye, Ma'am. It's time for some payback."

"Well, then. Let's move out."

 

***

 

A dig site, a space port, a cargo bay, four freaking bombs and three hundred Geth later, we finally located the goddamn beacon. Oh, and there was that thing with the Turian Spectre, Nihlus, being killed by this other Turian dude, Saren something. Sure, because the situation wasn't messed up enough as it was, of course.

Watching Shepard fight, I got a very good notion of who she was. Like my father used to say, soldiers fight the way they live, and her life was all... Fire. Seriously, the woman had a thing for setting stuff on fire. She was also very restless, moving all over the place, even with a sniper rifle as a weapon of choice. She'd stay still for three to five shots, and then move somewhere else, either for better cover or an advantage point, or sometimes just because she wanted to.

On another hand, generic-looking guy - Kaidan Alenko, what a weird name - was a boy scout. He fought like a boy scout, he talked like a boy scout, he acted like a boy scout... The guy didn't even swear, for fuck's sake! He was a career man, so he was all about protocol, and when Shepard knocked out this scientist who was about to go berserk on us, he went pale as a sheet, and told her that was a little too much. Although I did think she was right on knocking the guy out, I had to admire his gut on calling her up like that. It was quite brave. For a boy scout, that is.

And he obviously had a crush on Shepard, which was kinda cute. Pointless, but cute.

The beacon was glowing when we approached it. Shepard stopped thirty feet away from it, and wouldn't move closer for the love of her life. She looked it up and down and turned around, contacting her ship.

" _Normandy_ , the beacon is secure. Requesting immediate evac." She said, walking away from it.

"This is amazing. Working Prothean technology! That's unbelievable." Kaidan stepped closer, and I followed.

"It wasn't doing anything like that when they dug it up." I didn't know the thing was working. Actually, was that even safe?

"Something must have activated it. Maybe the Geth?" He went closer, and I turned around to talk to Shepard about it. I mean, if that thing was working, then it could be transmitting all kinds of information about us to god knows who. Did she really want that shit inside her ship?

She was saying something on the comm about activation when her eyes snapped up and she ran past me towards the beacon. When I turned around, Alenko was being dragged by that thing.

The day kept getting better and better.

Shepard tackled him away from the beacon and tossed towards me. I barely managed to keep the big guy from crashing, and he was already trying to rush back to her, calling out her name. Because then, she was being dragged. Oh, come on.

"No, don't touch her, it's too dangerous!" I said, as her body floated up and stretched in a weird way. She didn't make a sound, but that had to hurt.

She stayed like that for a few seconds, as I tried to keep Alenko from going any closer, and then, it was over. She fell hard and heavy, the beacon exploded, and I let Alenko catch her, as their ship approached, and I realized I had no idea what was going to happen next.

The ship was awesome, by the way. Weird, but awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan came out a little boring here, I guess because I don't like him all that much and find him to be kinda boring. Oh, well. He'll get better, I promise.


	5. Sleepless nights.

\- Karin Chakwas

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

"You need to rest, Shepard. You can't show up on the Citadel looking like that." I crossed my arms and stared at her. Not that it would work, but old habits die hard. Decades of experience at dealing with soldiers tend to turn you into a very intimidating person.

Of course, Shepard was one of a kind. If I was intimidating, there was not even a word to describe her presence.

She'd been in and out of the med bay a lot since Eden Prime. When Alenko and Williams brought her in, she was just passed out. Feeling like "the morning after shore leave" she said, but she'd been out for fifteen hours after coming into contact with a Prothean beacon, so I was pretty sure she was feeling a lot worse than she was letting out. Even so, she still had it on her to stop Kaidan from blaming himself.

Anyway, physically, she was fine. Despite the unusual brain activity and the increase in her rapid eye movement, all her readings were normal, so there was nothing to worry about. But a few hours later, she came in with a headache, and during night time, she came down to see me with dark circles around her eyes, and just when we were less than twenty hours away from the Citadel, where she was supposed to testify against Saren.

"I know, but I…" She rubbed her eyes and sat on one of the beds, sighing. "I keep having these dreams… I'm not really sure about what. Death, destruction… It's not clear, is more like a feeling. I don't know."

"Hm. It might be related to the beacon. I should add it to my report." I said, vaguely, and it was her turn to stare. "You can't sleep?"

"I can, but not for long."

"Want me to give you pills?"

"God, no. Whenever I take those kind of pills, I get lazy for a whole week."

I couldn't help but smile. In my mind, I could see it perfectly: she was probably the kind of person who slept like a rock, whenever and wherever, but would be fully awake and ready for a fight in a second, if needed. Being unable to sleep, or feeling lazy because of meds… That was probably nightmare material for her. "May I suggest brandy instead?"

She looked up at me and started a smile, but a very snarky voice froze her face.

"That is so unfair." Joker sat up slowly and very carefully, his hat already back on its place. "How come you give me a lecture when I have a headache, and she gets brandy when she can't sleep?"

Oh, my, I had forgotten him completely. Joker came down to see me when he left the cockpit for his downtime. I had him scanned, and the extra tension on his shoulders had me worrying, so I made him stay and rest a little where I could keep an eye on him.

It had been already a challenge to convince him that it was okay to leave Lieutenant Yamato to watch the ship while in FTL course, so that he could actually sleep, and another particularly frustrating battle to get him to report at the med bay every 36 hours for a full scan. Taking care of his condition was proving to be an unique experience, in more than one aspect.

For starters, he had an opinion on everything. And a snarky comment to go with it. From the medical procedures required by the Alliance to the dim lights at the med bay, passing by how shiny was Navigator Pressly's bald head, and how obsolete the docking protocols were at fuel posts.

Besides that, he had an unnerving tendency to put himself down, although he was good at disguising it as something else. You extended a hand for him to shake, and he automatically assumed he was being pitied. You complimented his abilities and he'd go on forever about how incredible he was, as if in need to reassure himself. And, god forbid, if you ever offered him help of any kind, you'd never hear the end of it.

And he, like Shepard, was also one of a kind. If he ever felt intimidated by me, or her, he never quite demonstrated.

"If I recall properly, Lieutenant, the last time you had a headache, it was because you'd had a little too much to drink with Captain Anderson. Isn't that correct?"

He snorted and waved a hand at me, on the way of picking up his crutches. Shepard, I could see, was half smiling. "Not to mention you actually have to keep the ship from crashing, you know." She said.

"Pff." He managed to get off the bed and put himself upright without much struggle, but didn't make a move to leave. "Like I would ever let this ship get as much as a scratch."

"Well, better safe than sorry, don't you think, Commander?" I said, reaching out under my desk for my bottle of Courvoisier and three glasses. "But since you're at your downtime, you might as well join us for a drink."

Their eyebrows went surprisingly high as I crossed the room and set it all down on one of the bedside tables. After a moment of hesitation, I heard them stepping closer, while I filled the glasses.

"Shall we make a toast?" I held out my glass, and Shepard did the same.

"To good Earth-made brandy." She said.

"To a good night of sleep." I added.

Joker raised his glass and held it still for a moment before saying: "To Jenkins."

Now that took me by surprise.

Shepard's hand waved a little, a movement so subtle I would have missed it, if I hadn't been expecting it to happen. She didn't have PTSD, she was way too strong willed for that. She had, however, a hard time accepting death. All her medical reports had a note on how negatively she handled the death of squad mates, civilians, and innocent people of all kinds, aliens included. She felt obligated to save every single life, and although she didn't waste her time on guilt, it sure took its toll on her.

"To Jenkins." She said with nod, and took her drink down at once.

"I didn't realize you had a close relationship with him, Lieutenant." I said, to Joker, as he, too, finished his drink.

"Just call me Joker already, doc. Everybody does, and you know you wanna do it too." He gestured at the general direction of the bottle with his glass, requesting a refill. "And you're right, I barely knew the guy. Talked to him twice, and boy, was he annoying. But I figure it's bad luck to die five minutes out on your first mission, so, yeah, let's drink to the poor bastard."

I chuckled, and Shepard let her half smile become a full one, an interesting reaction to Joker's inappropriate humor, that made me wonder if maybe his snarky nonsense would be a good enough treatment for the hero complex she had weighing on her shoulders. That is, if he didn't manage to piss her off on the process.

"He was a little energetic." She said, as I handled them both refilled glasses of brandy.

"Energetic? Yeah, that's a word for it." He took the second drink down and extended me the glass. "I better get to my bunk now. Gotta be up and kicking when we hit the Citadel. Yamato can't make a decent docking if his life depends on it."

And with that, he limped his way out of the med bay, without as much as a goodbye.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Shepard tilted her head a little towards me, with an interrogation printed on her face. "So, what's with him?"

"What do you mean, Commander?"

"He kind of gets under people's skins, doesn't he?" She pressed the bridge of her nose. "But he's not your usual jackass, he just acts like that. So why? What's his deal?"

I smiled at her. Shepard was as good as people said she was. Not just as a soldier, but as a person too. She could see beyond people's motives, beyond their acts, she could predict their moves, and she could act on it. And even she couldn't figure Joker out. At that moment, she was worrying about something else, but with time, he would become a puzzle she'd be tempted to solve. Layer after layer, what lies beneath?

"You know, Commander, Lieutenant Moreau is like an onion." She looked at me like I was talking about flying monkeys, and I wanted to laugh really badly. The poor child had no idea what she was walking into.

She had worked small crews before, but nothing like the _Normandy_. No, that was a special crew. David, Steven and I spent days folded over datapads, making analysis, wondering just how well those people would get along, if they needed to stay inside that ship for longer than an usual crew. They were handpicked to work as one, move as one, think and feel as one. Shepard walked into a family without even realizing it.

"There are many layers to his character, and he's most definitely acid and pungent." I went on. "In more than one aspect, actually. But he adds a unique flavor to this crew, on his own way. You should try talking to him. He's a very interesting person. Unnerving, but interesting."

She took down another shot of brandy and chuckled a little. "I'll keep that on mind."

 

***

 

"Is she going to be alright?" David sat in front of me, rubbing his eyes. That was indeed a very busy week at the med bay. "She's been off since the mission on Eden Prime. Do you think…"

"Captain, you have to take a deep breath. She's alright. She's a bit stressed out, the beacon affected her a little, but she'll be just fine."

"I don't know. Sometimes I have this feeling like… Like she's too young for this."

I laughed, loud and wholeheartedly. "You miss having a family, don't you?" He tried to glare at me, but the worrying on his face made the effort pointless. "She's 29 years old, David. She's old enough, and more than that, strong enough to handle whatever it is that we find in our path. And she's not alone. You saw it yourself. The crew is backing her up with all they have. Joker made a beautiful job bringing the ship close enough for us to get her in, Alenko dragged her inside, and even Williams, who's not even officially part of the crew, was worried out of her wits that the Commander might be in a bad situation."

"Yes." He thought about it for a second, and then smiled. "She does that to people. I just worry. I've seen her when she was… She was very small, you see, and she didn't get much bigger. Stronger, yes, but she still…"

"She's fine."

There was a moment of silence after that, and he stared at nowhere particularly, before talking again. "She's to become a Spectre. That's what Nihlus was doing here, he was supposed to evaluate her, to see if she's fit for the job. Can you imagine, Karin? The first human Spectre."

"I'm sure she'll make it, Captain."

"Yes. But apparently… It's gonna be the hard way."

"When is it ever easy?"

"I know, I'm just… I'm being silly, aren't I?"

"Very."

"Jesus… I'm too old for this."

"I won't tell if you won't." He sighed, and I patted his shoulder. "How's everything doing?"

"Pretty much a mess. Udina is furious, Hackett is going back to Arcturus with the Fifth because he has to handle the situation on our side, and that whole thing with Saren is really getting to me. How is your end doing?"

I smiled. "Alenko has migraines, which is good. His condition could be worse, being an L2. Adams is particularly shaken by Jenkins death. Pressly doesn't like that we're picking up new crew members on the way, but you know him, he's just being… Well, himself, really. Williams is doing good too. Crew seems to like her, and she is dealing surprisingly well with the events on the last mission. She's also very fond of guns, I noticed."

"You think it's a good idea to have her around."

"Yes, I do. And so does Shepard. And she's fitting in just fine."

"And how about Joker? Is he coming in for his periodic scan?"

"Oh, yes, I have managed to convince him that Lieutenant Yamato won't crash his ship while he sleeps, and that periodical scans will most definitely prevent a situation in which he'd have to step away from the helm for an extended period."

" _His_ ship?"

"He cares a lot about the ship."

"Clearly."

"He's an excellent pilot, Captain."

As if on cue, Joker came in trough the med bay comm.

"Captain Anderson, sir, we're approaching the Citadel now."

"Alright, Joker. Bring us in, I'll be up in a minute."

 

\- Alessa Shepard

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

I slid out of my bunk, already fully awake. My head was a little heavy from the brandy, but my body was good to go, so I figured everything would be fine.

I walked out to the living quarters, stopping by the control panel as Kaidan called me out. "Commander."

"Lieutenant."

"I'm glad to see you're okay. I mean, losing Jenkins was hard on the crew. I'm glad we didn't lose you too." He gave me the tiniest smile, looking down at his boots for a second. I could swear he was flirting with me. Was he flirting with me? _No. No, Shepard, don't go there._

"That's okay, Lieutenant, things were pretty rough down there. How are you holding up?"

"I'm… Alright. I suppose one can never get used to dead civilians. But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony." Okay, he was being sweet. That doesn't have to mean flirting.

"Didn't do it alone." _Wait, was I flirting?_

"We're marines. We stick together. I'm just sorry we lost Jenkins."

Bad move. _Really_ bad move. What was I doing? Not even a week with the new crew, and I was already trying to get myself into trouble, dammit!

"Yeah. I just wish I could have…" Saved him. I could never say that out loud. I knew it wasn't my fault, I wasn't even felling guilty, but that need to do more would always be hanging there, like a very annoying keychain that makes a lot of noise whenever you move.

"I was there, Commander. You did everything right. It was just bad luck."

"Let's hope our luck gets better then. Listen, Kaidan" He blushed a little when I used his first name, and I had to bite the insides of my mouth to stop myself from smiling. "We must be getting close to the Citadel by now. Do you mind finding Ashley and getting her to suit up? Captain Anderson is taking us to the meeting with the ambassador, and maybe the Council, so…"

"Sure, Commander. I'll get her right away." now he smiled openly, and I got that weird sensation on my chest, that usually means trouble.

Oh, shit.


	6. The Citadel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have Tali and Garrus this time.  
> I had a lot of fun writing this one. First of all because I love Tali, and Garrus is just sweet, and they're right there on my top five best characters of mass effect list. I made Garrus a little anxious and socially awkward, because well, other species always seem to give him a hard time. And Tali came out a little harsh, because come on, she's just a kid, and everything wants to kill her. Like, really, everything. Unfiltered air wants to kill her.  
> Hope you enjoy it!

\- Joker

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

She walked into the cockpit as soon as I got us out of the Widow Relay. I knew it was her because of the way she walked: heavy footsteps, steady and rhythmic. You would expect everybody to walk the same, in a ship full of soldiers, but she was different.

How did I know? Lying on a bed for three-to-six weeks, unable to move from the neck down, at least four times before turning 15 can and will turn you into a weirdo. I almost got thrown out of the infirmary once for creeping people out with my so called _psychic abilities_.

"Good timing, Commander." I said, and I could swear she hesitated for a second before coming closer. _Joker: 1; Shepard: 0_ "I was just about to bring us in to the Citadel. See the taxpayer money at work and all."

She made an amused noise, but said nothing, falling into her marine-at-ease posture and staring into open space outside the viewport. There was another reason why I recognized her footsteps: for some reason, whatever was it that she had to do - because the damn woman just couldn't stand still for more than ten seconds -, she'd find time and a random excuse to come into the cockpit and just… Stand there. That was actually the only moment I've ever seen her quiet down.

It was good, though. One of the things I liked the most about being a pilot - besides the part where I got to fly an awesome ship, with an awesome drive core, and an absolutely more awesome stealth system, that is - was that nobody hangs out at the cockpit. Quarters? Sure. CIC? Sometimes. Cargo hold? Whenever you wanted a beer. But never at the cockpit. Especially if I was there. Which was pretty much 90% of the time.

So, yeah, having Shepard just standing there was not all that uncomfortable, really. But then Pressly, or Kaidan, or even Anderson would come around, and the chit-chat would start, and I would have to send them all away with a comment about the many uses one could give to the word cockpit, or something about Hannar porn. Actually, the one about Hannar porn was my master piece. I should write that down.

As the Citadel came into view, Shepard made the cutest sound of amazement a grown woman could possibly make and… Wait, no. What? Nonononononononono, I did not just think about my XO as cute. That did not just happen. Why the hell would I think that?!

"Look at the size of that ship!" Williams barged into the cockpit, Alenko at her tail, and the chit-chat time was on. She was looking at some awful Asari vessel - not that there was ever a not-awful Asari vessel, really - flying by.

Williams was a nice girl, by the way. She was actually a lot of fun, for a jarhead.

"That's the Destiny Ascension, flagship of the Citadel fleet." Kaidan said, standing behind her. Shepard joined them, but this time she was making a real effort not to look amazed.

"Yeah, well, size isn't everything." I said. Mostly because I disliked Asari ships with a burning passion, but also because you can't compliment some other ship while standing on the _Normandy_ 's cockpit. My baby would get jealous!

Okay, so maybe the Ascension was one hell of a dreadnought, and the damn thing had more firepower than the whole Asari fleet combined, but seriously, maneuvering a thing that big had to be a pain in the ass. Too big, too slow, too many people, too much effort, and for what? She could never do what my baby could.

"Why so touchy, Joker?" Williams turned towards me and gave me her best shit-eating grin.

"I'm just saying you need firepower too."

"Oh, come on! Look at that monster! It's main gun could rip through the barriers of any ship in the Alliance fleet." _Yeah, sure, because that's what I'm talking about._

I snorted, and Kaidan chucked a little. Dumbass. "Good thing it's on our side, then." He said, patting my shoulder. If only I could punch him without breaking my hand.

I shrugged his hand off and hailed the traffic control tower. "Citadel Control, this is SSV _Normandy_ requesting permission to land."

"This is Citadel Control. Stand by for clearance, _Normandy_." I rolled my eyes. Protocol was the biggest pain in my ass, and we're talking galactic level here. "Clearance granted. You may begin your approach. Transferring you to an Alliance operator now." _Yeah, yeah, sure._

" _Normandy_ , this is Alliance Tower. Please proceed to dock 422."

As I approached the docking zone, Shepard leaned against my seat, watching with an impressive attention. When I was done, she turned to the others and assumed her commanding posture. "Alright, let's suit up. Captain will be here any moment now." And as they were all leaving, she turned her head towards me just so that I could see that tiny smile she was sort of hiding. She said nothing, just nodded, like she was saying _good job_ , and then left.

Unfortunately, the tight sensation on my stomach didn't leave with her.

 

\- Donnel Udina

 

( _2183 - Citadel_ )

I knew it was a bad idea to nominate Shepard. I just knew it.

It wasn't even a matter of her being capable or not. She was, indeed, the most impressive candidate on our list. If the position of human Spectre depended only on combat, she would be perfect. But the first human Spectre was much more than a soldier. The person on that position would open doors to all human race, putting us closer to a position in which we could actually take part on galactic decisions.

For that to happen, we needed someone on that position that could act with at least a little bit of diplomacy. Shepard wasn't that someone.

If she was stupid, but capable of following orders, I would say nothing on the subject. But the woman was smart, creative on strategic matters, and very competent on getting the job done. She had, however, a passionate disdain towards diplomatic solutions, and she intentionally misunderstood basic social common sense, doing pretty much whatever she wanted.

Of course, she was a trained soldier with years of service. She would go around the rules, but always staying inside the lines of military regs, so that should be okay.

Only it wasn't, because when given the chance, she would throw any diplomatic reasoning out the window, blast the door and go in shooting, and that never worked out with the Council.

I should have known better. I should have picked anyone else, no matter what Hackett and that dramatic old jarhead Captain Anderson had to say on the subject. Damn it. Damn it all to hell. Now, I was left with one dead Spectre, a possible but hardly probable accusation against another, the apparently imminent threat of a Geth attack, and most definitely the unwillingness of the Council to take action on the situation.

And if that wasn't enough of a pinch, Shepard was docking on the Citadel. All I could do was hope that she wouldn't blow anything up, or god help me, I would resign.

There is only so much frustration one can take before going insane.

 

\- Garrus Vakarian

 

( _2183 - Citadel_ )

I knew the moment Pallin walked towards my desk he was going to send me on yet another fool's errand. Every time I bumped into something that actually mattered, he would find a way to get me as far away from it as possible. So even when he said he needed me to prepare a dossier on a Spectre, I just knew it wasn't good.

"Here is the information and access codes you gonna need for that task." He dropped a datapad in front of me. "Apparently, a human Commander is accusing Saren of treason." His mandibles twitched a little, as he held back a laugh.

Dammit. Now I had to do it, even knowing it was a fool's errand.

First of all, if it was a dossier on a Spectre, it was a direct order from the Council. You can't just refuse it. And if that wasn't enough, I had been waiting for a chance to get to Saren for a long time.

That guy was just downright suspicious. Not that being mysterious wasn't part of being a Spectre, but there was something about him that just didn't feel right. Argh, dammit. Try and explain that to the C-Sec CO.

So I accepted the task, and did the best I could with what I had. Obviously, it wasn't enough. My clearance level was 2, and every single relevant file on his archives was level S of security. I mean, the last time I checked, numbers and letters weren't even on the same category of clearance. There were holes on every single report he ever presented, but when I tried to dig deeper, all evidence was classified. His personal finances were ridiculous, but any detail on it was beyond my reach.

So it all ended up with me, three days later, standing on the Citadel Tower, telling Pallin he was making a mistake. _Because that will work just fine._

"Saren is hiding something, sir, I'm telling you! Give me more time. Stall them. I'm sure I'm gonna find something." I said, my voice coming out a little louder than I intended.

"Stall the council? Don't be ridiculous! Your investigation is over, Garrus. There was nothing there to begin with. Humans are all like that, throwing the responsibility for their misery on someone else."

"But sir…!"

"That will be all, Garrus." He said, and walked away. Just perfect.

I turned around, wishing there was a wall I could kick or something I could break, and that's when I saw them, three human soldiers walking out of the elevator in full gear. One of them was a tall man with a weird face but a very rigid posture. He walked side by side with an equally tall woman that looked very amazed by the ornaments around the room.

What caught my attention, however, was the small female in the middle. There was something familiar about her. She walked one step ahead of the others, in a different pace, with a different energy, in a whole different manner, like a man on a mission… No, a woman on a mission. Was that right? Those human idiosyncrasies were really hard to address.

Her eyes were sort of green, and inside the helmet I could see some strands of red hair falling around her face. Putting that together with the N7 emblem over her chest plate, I suddenly realized why she looked so familiar. She was the human accusing Saren.

She stepped closer, her eyes moving between me and the already far away figure of Pallin, in that same particular way we Turians usually analyzed the battlefield. Then she looked at me, and I decided to introduce myself. If I wanted to go against Saren, I figured I should take whatever help I could get.

"Commander Shepard? Garrus Vakarian. I was the officer in charge of the C-Sec investigation into Saren." I said, with a small nod. Someone once told me that the appropriate manner to introduce oneself to a human was with a handshake, and that was my original intention, but once she was standing in front of me, I felt a little intimidated and abandoned the plan.

She nodded back at me and stared absently at Pallin's back for a moment before speaking. "Who was that you were just talking to?"

"Ah, that was executor Pallin, head of Citadel Security. My boss." She didn't have to be Turian to catch the resentment on my voice. It was pretty obvious. "He'll be presenting my findings on Saren to the council. Or the lack of findings, anyway."

She folded her arms over the chest and gave me a look I couldn't quite figure. "Sounds like you really want to bring Saren down." She said, genuinely interested.

Well, lady, where do I even begin. "I don't trust him." I said, and that was a really lame thing to say, but trusting my gut was my strongest point, and inside C-Sec, that was the most pointless thing to rely on. But she made no attempt to mock me, made no judgment. She just listened, so I went on. "Something about him rubs me the wrong way. Always had. But he's a Spectre, everything he touches is classified. I can't find any hard evidence."

She was about to say something when the man behind her cut in. "I think the Council is ready for us, Commander."

She made a pause, tightening her lips, and then nodded. "We should talk soon, Vakarian."

I nodded back. "Good luck, Shepard. Maybe they'll listen to you."

Yeah, not likely. But she could try.

 

***

 

So, my lead was that this doctor on the Wards had helped a Quarian girl, who was in possession of some information on a Spectre named Saren Arterius, which happened to be the Spectre I was trying to catch. Obviously, it wasn't the most reliable lead, and I got it from one of the kids who ran the wards selling small information to the Shadow Broker, so it was a long shot. But at least it was something.

After meeting up with Shepard at the Tower, I looked into her report on the Eden Prime incident, which was, for a change, within my clearance level. If she was right, then Saren's treachery was far beyond an attempt to wipe out a human colony. Someone like him, leading an army of Geth, could, and would, turn into something bigger and more troublesome for everyone.

So I decided to take my chances. Screw the C-Sec.

The only problem was, by the time I got to the Wards, the Quarian girl was gone, and the doctor who helped her was being threatened by a bunch of thugs. I sneaked into the clinic and tried to get the angle on them, but the situation was pretty tense. They were all around the poor woman, guns pointed to her head, she was terrified, and I didn't have a clear shot to take any of them down. Dammit. I was ready, my pistol was ready, if there was only a way to…

The clinic's door snapped open, and Shepard stepped in, full gear on, and a badass look on her face. She looked at me, and then at the thugs, and narrowed her eyes.

"I didn't tell anyone, I swear!" the doctor was saying, in a desperate voice. I used the chance to sneak around the corner.

"That was smart, Doc. Now, if Garrus comes around, you stay smart. Keep your mouth shut or we'll…"

"What the flying fuck is going on here?" Shepard cut in, drawing her pistol.

With that, all of them went for cover, except for one. That one grabbed the doctor and used her as shield, pointing his gun back at Shepard. "Who the hell are you?"

"Let her go." She sort of… Growled. Like a Krogan.

That startled pretty much everyone, and also created me a cue. I turned, aimed, shot. It was over in less than two seconds, the guy dead and the doctor running into cover, as Shepard started shooting the whole place to hell. Less than a minute later, it was all over and she approached me with an eyebrow raised really high.

"Perfect timing, Shepard." I said, trying not to freak out about the situation. Not that I was scared of her, that would be ridiculous. I was just… Well, I wasn't very good at reading human facial expressions, and I didn't want to risk a… Galactic misunderstanding. That was all. "Gave me a clear shot at that bastard."

"That was a nice shot." She nodded at me, and I decided that she wasn't pissed. Which was probably good. "You took him down clean."

"Sometimes you get lucky." I said, and she looked toward the doctor.

"Yeah, about that. Once the compliments are properly addressed, I gotta ask: you do realize you could have hit the hostage, right?"

"That… I wasn't…" I stumbled with my words, suddenly at a loss. I had never been very good at taking reprimands. "I just reacted, I didn't mean to… Dr. Michele, are you hurt?" I turned towards the doctor in a rush, and she gave me an understanding smile.

"No, I'm okay." She fixed her hair and pressed her forehead a little, as if trying to turn off a headache or something. "Thanks to you. All of you."

I was going to say something to sooth her a little, but Shepard was already ahead of me, and in total control of the situation.

"I'm under the impression that they were threatening you, Doc. Can you tell me who do they work for?" Straight to the point. Very unusual, but I liked it.

"They work for Fist." The doctor said, also straight to the point. Was that a human thing? Answer directly when asked directly? On C-Sec, and especially with us Turian people, there was a lot of polite ass kissing to do in a situation like that. I could only imagine Pallin's face, if he could see Shepard at that moment. "They wanted to shut me up, keep me from telling Garrus about the Quarian."

"What Quarian?"

"You see, a few days ago, a Quarian girl came by my office. She'd been shot, but she wouldn't tell me who did it. I could tell she was scared, probably on the run." Wow. That easy? I had to pay my way up to that information. "She asked me about the Shadow Broker, she wanted to trade information in exchange for a safe place to hide."

"Go on." Shepard encouraged her.

The doctor paced up and down. "I put her in contact with Fist. He's an agent for the Shadow Broker."

"Actually, not anymore." I interrupted, because according to my informant, that detail had just changed. "Now he works for Saren, according to my findings, and the Shadow Broker isn't too happy about it."

Doctor Michele made a startle noise as her eyes widened. "Fist betrayed the Shadow Broker? That's stupid, even for him. Saren must have made him quite the offer."

"That's beyond the point." One of Shepard squad mates, the female, said with a snort. "The Quarian must have something Saren wants. Something worth crossing the Shadow Broker to get."

"Can you tell us anything else about the Quarian, Doc?" Shepard asked, her focus unshaken.

"I'm not sure. Like I said, she wanted to trade information for a safe place to hide. She didn't…" The doctor stopped midsentence, and looked up, as if looking for something on the ceiling. "Wait… Geth. I remember her mumbling something about Geth!"

"She must be able to link Saren to the Geth!" I said, and again, one didn't have to be a Turian to understand the excitement on my voice. "There's no way the Council can ignore that!"

"Your orders, Commander?" Shepard's male squad mate asked.

"I say is time we pay Fist a visit."

"Uh… This is your show, Shepard." I said, cautiously. "But I want to bring Saren down probably as much as you do. Do you mind if I tag along?"

There was this moment of tense silence, in which everyone in the room was staring at me. I couldn't make out the looks on their faces, though, since I was fully focused on Shepard. She was looking at me like she could scan me with her eyes, measuring, evaluating, slowly deciding if I was worth the risk.

Then, there was a smile, a tiny one, no more than a twitch on the corners of her lips, but it was there, and I knew what it meant.

"Welcome aboard, Garrus."

 

\- Tali'Zorah nar Rayya

 

( _2183 - Citadel_ )

To think there was this Asari chick at the docks complaining about how sad it was that she couldn't make it back to her home world in time for the goddess' festival. "It's just unlucky that I didn't manage to book a passage." She said. Lady, let me tell you something about unlucky.

A girl gets out of her home ship - because that's what we Quarian people have; not a home world, a home _ship_ \- for the first time at age 22, for her pilgrimage. She's out on a small vessel with all kids her age going out for the first time and for the same reasons. She even gets a brand new suit, 100% functional, and in nice colors too.

She decides to begin her pilgrimage at Illium, because everybody knows you can buy almost anything there. Only on her way there, she picks up some Geth activity on this icy planet out in the middle of nowhere, and the crew decides to check it out. So they land on the planet to investigate, and they actually find Geth. They manage to disable one, and they skillfully save part of its memory core, and they find out about an attack on a human colony by the name of Eden Prime, and something related to _the Reapers_. Which is really bad.

Considering the information they get, and the possible galactic impact it might carry, the girl convinces her crewmates to report to the authorities on Illium. So, as they're getting ready to leave, a bunch of Turian mercs - she didn't even know there was such a thing as a Turian _merc_ \- shows up and starts shooting at them. Like, _really_ shooting, with _real_ guns.

The girl had never been shot at, so she freaks out and flees. When she gets to Illium, she finds out that people there don't really like Quarians. They're left on hold for several hours, and when they're finally allowed to dock, there is an ambush waiting for them. Turian mercs _again_. She and her crew are caught under fire, and since pretty much all of them were never shot at before, they all fell. One by one.

So she sees her friends dying, and she's hurt, and there's nothing she can do, so she grabs one of her crewmates, a childhood friend, really, and sticks them both into the cargo hold of a transport ship bound for the Citadel. Everybody else is dead. All the kids she knew while growing up.

She's so shaken up that she does a poor job at hiding, and the crew spots her and her friend. They want to kill them, but the captain of the ship decides to turn them in to Citadel Security, so at least, they get there in one piece. They're handed over to some Turian detective, which they do not trust, of course, so they try to convince the guy that they have important information to the Council, and the Council only.

Turian guy obviously ignores them, and they learn that there is a seven months wait for an official audience with the Council, so they feel like, you know, crying. But there's no time for that, because Turian mercs appear, _again_ , out of nowhere, and start shooting at them. Next thing the girl knows, she's running for her life, leaving her friend behind with a mortal wound and a shotgun, to buy her some time.

Suddenly, she's the only one left. She's not sad, really, not just yet. She's actually so mad she wishes she could have some payback on the Turian bosh'tet that has been following her all over the galaxy. So she decides to set an ambush of her own, a nasty one that ends with a bunch of mercs being burned alive. With that out of the way, she finds herself alone, penniless, bleeding from several injuries, her suit running out of antibiotics… And oh, completely alone!

She thinks she's gonna die. She wants to cry, but she's so tired that even tears are bailing on her. She sort of crawls her way to a clinic and prays they have Quarian medicine, and when the doctor there turns out to be a very nice human lady, she gets genuinely hopeful, like, her lack of luck had to run out at some point, right?

She tells the doctor about her struggles, sort of, and the doctor tells her about this Shadow Broker, and sets her up with people that can keep her in a safe place, until she can deliver her information to the right people. It all works out, she hides in this bar, and gets in touch with this guy that tells her he can get her a meeting with the Shadow Broker himself, no intermediaries involved, which was perfect. Right?

Well, no. That was not even close to be a perfect ending for the story, because that was the detail that led me into a dark alley in the wards, hiding behind a box, with _yet_ _another_ handful of Turian mercs shooting at me. I took a couple of them out before my shotgun overheated, and then I just ducked and prayed that I could join my ancestors in the memory of our people.

And that’s when she stepped in, human, her guard wide open, holding a pistol with a stretched arm. She wasn't even wearing a helmet! She walked right by me, her hair waving around her face, and I counted seventeen shots before everything went silent. _Really_ silent.

I stuck my head out of cover to see her standing in the middle of the alley, a hand pressed over her… Ear? I was never big on human anatomy. She was surrounded by a still-walking Turian and a human lady, both armed to their teeth, which, on my poor comprehension of galactic social interaction, was very weird. I stood up, her head snapped on my direction; I held my still overheated shotgun and prayed. _She wouldn't save my butt just to kill me right after, right?_

"Fist set me up!" I said, as she approached me, for no good reason really. There was something on the way she was looking at me that reminded me of the admiralty board, and I felt a sudden need to explain myself. "I should have known I couldn't trust him!"

"Were you hurt in the fight?" was her response to that. With a slight rise on the eyebrows to go with it. Very confusing, that human.

"No. I know how to take care of myself." I was suddenly defensive. I mean, I didn't want her to think I was helpless. Scared to death, sure, but not helpless. But wait, did that sound rude? I didn't mean it to be rude. "Not that I don't appreciate the help, of course. Uh… Who are you?"

"My name is Shepard, I'm with the Alliance. I'm looking for evidence to prove Saren is a traitor." She said simply, looking into my eyes. But obviously, she couldn't see my eyes, so she was staring at my helmet. Surprisingly, she wasn't making that face people usually make when they see a Quarian. You know, the suspicious face.

I looked back at her, taking the whole situation in. She wasn't lying, that much I knew. There was this energy around her, like she was a star, burning alive, intense, strong, honest. Everything about her was downright honest. She was somewhat impressive, the Turian guy and the human lady could see it too, by the looks on their faces.

"Okay." I said, coming to a decision. "In that case I have a chance to repay you for saving my life. But not here, we should to go somewhere safe."

"We could go to the ambassador's office, Commander." The human lady said. "It's safe there, and he'll want to see this anyway."

Shepard nodded. "Do you need to stop by the clinic first?"

"No, I'm fine. Really." Big lie, that one.

 

***

 

We walked into the office, and there was this older human guy standing there, looking really frustrated. He didn't turn to look at us, just moved his head from side to side, like he was saying no.

"You're not making my life easy, Shepard." He said, and he, too, reminded me of the admiralty board, only it was in a very, very bad way. Shepard however didn't care at all, apparently. She crossed her arms over her chest, and her eyebrows went up in a… Rebellious way, I suppose. Like she was defying him to go ahead and say something about her. Like she could kick his butt, and he knew it, and that's why he wouldn't turn around. "Firefights in the wards? An all-out assault on Chora's Den?" Wait, has she actually done that? "Do you know how many…" He turned around, and he saw me, and there it was: the suspicious face. He narrowed his eyes at me, then at Shepard, and then hissed a little. "Who's this? A Quarian? What are you up to, Shepard?"

"Well, ambassador, if you hadn't jumped down my throat as soon as I walked in, I could have told you that this Quarian lady, who happens to have a name, that is Tali'Zorah, can help us bring down Saren. She has information linking him to the Geth."

He gaped. The human ambassador was gaping at us. I've never been so glad to wear my helmet at all times, because I was actually grinning. "Really? Well, uh… Miss Tali'Zorah, we don't see many Quarians here. Why did you leave the flotilla?"

"I'm on my Pilgrimage, sir." I said, and then I remembered that most people don't know a thing about Quarians. "My rite of passage into adulthood."

"Really?" Shepard asked, sounding genuinely interested. She leaned against a wall, and relaxed, but her hand was resting on her pistol. "Never heard of that before."

"Yeah, uh, it's a tradition among my people. When we reach maturity, we leave the ships of our parents and our people behind. We're supposed to search the stars alone, only returning to the flotilla once we have discovered something of value. That's how we prove ourselves worth of adulthood. On route to Illium, I found out about Geth in an uncharted planet. Since they drove my people into exile, the Geth have never ventured beyond the Veil. I was curious, so I tracked down a patrol of them, and waited out until one became separated from its unity. Then I disabled it, and removed its memory core." Oh, gosh, I was babbling. Dammit.

"Don't the Geth fry their memory cores when they die? Like a defense mechanism of some kind?" The other older human in the ambassador's office, a taller man with darker skin and an actually friendly attitude said, and he, like Shepard, didn't seem to be judging me. Just genuinely interested. See, why couldn't I have met nice people like them since the beginning of the goddamn Pilgrimage? "How did you manage to preserve the memory core?"

"Well, my people created the Geth, sir. If you're quick, careful and lucky, small caches of data can sometimes be saved. Most of the core was wiped clean, but I salvaged something from its audio banks." I activated the data on my omnitool, and played it for them.

 

_"Eden Prime was a major victory! The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the conduit."_

_"And one step closer to the return of the Reapers."_

 

"That's definitely Saren's voice. This proves he was involved in the attack!" The nicer older guy said.

"Saren won't get out of this one, Captain." Shepard stated, straightening up. "But he's not working alone."

"Yes, but I didn't recognize that other voice. The one talking about Reapers. What is a Reaper anyway? Or a Conduit?" The ambassador started pacing up and down.

"I feel like I've heard that name before…" Shepard rubbed the sides of her head, like she was in pain.

"Um… I don't know about the Conduit, but… According to the memory core I extracted, the Reapers were a hyper-advanced machine race that existed 50000 years ago. The Reapers hunted the Protheans to total extinction, and then vanished. At least, that's what the Geth believe. The Geth revere the Reapers as gods, the pinnacle of non-organic life. And they believe Saren knows how to bring the Reapers back."

"That sounds very unlikely." The ambassador dismissed me with a wave of his hand, and I wished I could punch him.

"No, wait." Shepard said, and now she was pressing her head a little harder "The vision on Eden Prime… That was it! I saw the Protheans being wiped out by the Reapers."

"Visions? Oh, god. The Council is just going to love this."

"They won't believe it, Udina. They never believe anything we say." She sighed, but sounded very pissed off.

"Well, we have to tell them anyway. We need to present this to the Council immediately. I'll set up a meeting." The ambassador stormed off, and Shepard made a face.

"I really don't have patience for him." She said.

"Uh, Commander?" Her Turian guy called out, and he was looking at me even more suspiciously than anyone ever. "What do we do about her? The Quarian, I mean."

"Hey, my name is Tali!" I gave him a look, but he obviously couldn't see it, which made the whole thing kinda pointless. I turned to Shepard. "And you know what, you saw me in that alley, Commander. You know what I can do, and technically, that was only the fourth time I've been in real action. Let me come with you."

"The fourth time, huh." Shepard smiled. "Well, I'll take all the help I can get."

"Thanks, Shepard, you won't regret it." Yeah, maybe not her.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the Council, and Shepard was being officially announced as _the first human Spectre_. Turian guy and I were baffled. The ambassador… Didn't seem pleased, really, but I got the distinct impression that he rarely did so. And Captain Anderson, the nicer older guy, was standing there, his eyes gleaming, and I could only translate the expression on his face as genuine pride.

If that was not enough of random things happening around Shepard, on our way out to the docking bay where her ship was ported, she recruited a Krogan. _A Krogan_. For no other reason than just, you know, he was there, they exchanged a few words, he made an impression, and yeah, welcome aboard, Wrex! A goddamn _Krogan_!

I didn't have a clue about just what I was walking into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, if anyone think I'm getting the characters wrong, just let me know, ok? My beta reader is currently unavailable, so I'm doing this on my own, and it's kinda difficult. x_x


	7. Spectre

\- David Anderson

 

( _2183 - Citadel_ )

Shepard had done a great job finding evidence against Saren. She had done a great job in general, but even so, the Council kept refusing to take action. They revoked Saren's Spectre status, stripped him of all his benefits, and promised to bring him to justice. They even announced that the person talking to him on the recording was Matriarch Benezia, and that if she was working with him, then we should expect a powerful Asari resistance on their side.

When it came to accepting the history about the Reapers, the Council got skeptic again. Reapers were never seen, never heard of, with no evidences of them found in the known galaxy, so it obviously had to be a myth, a convenient lie to cover Saren's true purpose. He was using it to bend the Geth to his will.

But it all would be okay, they said, now that Saren was no longer a Spectre. _Because that's the only way he could possibly plot galactic destruction._

"That's not good enough!" Udina barked, his face in a dark shade of red. "You know he's hiding somewhere in the Traverse! Send your fleet in!"

"A fleet cannot track down one man, ambassador." Said the Turian councilor. "It could trigger a war with the Terminus Systems! We won't be dragged into a galactic confrontation over a few dozen human colonies!"

I could see Shepard's frustration rising, as she listened to their nonsense. She had a thick vein pulsing on her neck, and her lips were tighter and thinner than ever before. At that comment, she closed her hands into fists, took a deep breath and talked in a voice so strong and steady that she almost sounded like a thunder.

"Send me in, then." She said, staring straight ahead. For someone unfamiliar with her ways, it would seem like she was just keeping her marine posture for the occasion. I knew better than to be fooled by that. She was actually doing her best not so call them all thickheaded idiots and shoot her way out to some results. She took another deep breath, and faced the councilors, one by one. "I can take Saren down."

The quiet determination in her voice startled everybody in the room. The councilors were taken aback, and her squad mates, specially the alien ones, seemed to have stopped breathing for a moment. It was quite dramatic.

Her statement caused the Council to have a little argument, which ended up with a very angry Turian councilor speaking louder than he intended. "No! It's too soon, humanity is not ready for the responsibilities that come with joining the Spectres." _And yet, the one Spectre causing trouble was a Turian. Pff._

I expected Udina to cut in and make her case, but Shepard could, and did defend herself just fine on her own. "You won't have to send a fleet into the Traverse, and the ambassador gets his human Spectre. Everybody walks out of it happy, and you dismiss the image that the Council refuses to assist humans in their times of need, which I suppose is very bad for a political entity of galactic importance such as this one to have."

There was this moment of silence, and people started gathering around to see what was happening. Shepard was dead serious on her proposition, and the councilors exchanged enigmatic looks with one another, as if trying to gather courage to do what should be done. Finally, they nodded at each other, and activated their terminals.

"Commander Shepard, step forward, please." Said the Asari councilor.

That was it. History was going to happen. Shepard was going to achieve something no other human before her ever had.

She hesitated for a moment, and looked towards me, as if she was asking for instructions. There was this gleam in her eyes, a mix of excitement and panic that reminded me so much of the first time I saw her… I smiled, and gave her a nod, hoping it would be enough. She nodded back and stepped forward, falling into her perfect posture.

"Is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel. Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file." One by one, the councilors started making their parts of the speech, and I felt a little bit too emotional for that. I was so proud of her I could give her a hug, if it wasn't such an inappropriate thing to do. "Spectres are an ideal, a symbol, the embodiment of courage, determination and self reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will. Spectres bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold. You are the first human Spectre, Commander. This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species."

"Thank you, councilors." Shepard said. "I'm honored."

 

***

 

I walked out of the Citadel Tower with Udina, and went straight to contact Hackett.

"Have you seen the vids?" I asked, as soon as he came on screen.

"There was never a doubt in my mind, my friend." He said, and smiled at me. He took off his cap and relaxed a little. "But she is a daredevil, that one. Talking to the Council like that…"

"I am actually surprised that it worked."

"So, what's next? Found her a ship yet?"

"That’s what I'm calling you about." I said, and his eyebrows went up. "I want her to have the _Normandy_ , Hackett."

He stayed quiet for a moment, and then chuckled, making the marks of age on his face more evident than ever. "I figured as much. Can't let your child go out there unprepared, can you?"

_That goddamn old dog_. "Mock me all you want, I still think it's our best option. The first human Spectre should have the best ship in the Alliance fleet."

"And what are _you_ gonna do?"

"I'll step aside. Get a desk job here on the citadel, so that I can be in a position to offer assistance whenever she needs it. She already knows the crew, they respect her, and the ship is perfect for the kind of mission she's headed towards. All that's needed is your approval."

"Well, you have it." He nodded. "Make the arrangements, send it all to me, and I'll make it official."

"Thank you, Steven. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"Actually, my friend, I'm probably one of the few people who do. Keep me posted."

"Will do. Anderson out."

I logged off, and turned to find Udina nagging about getting supplies to someone on his terminal. When he was finished, I told him the news.

"This is good. You need to get in touch with the crew, make the arrangements. I'll go take care of the paperwork. How do you feel about being an advisor at the embassy?" I winced, and he rolled his eyes at me. "Don't be ridiculous, Anderson! That is the perfect position for you to assist Shepard as a Spectre! She'll need guidance, and god knows she rather take a bullet than take advice from me."

"I'm not complaining. I just never imagined myself as a politician, that's all. Get me whatever you have that works and I'll take it, Udina. I'll go to the _Normandy_ now and make the last arrangements. Meet me there as soon as possible, we need everything ready."

And with that, I left.

On my way up to the docking bay, I thought about how the _Normandy_ was given to me by its original Captain, and now I was passing its command on to Shepard. It was almost destiny. I would miss the ship, of course. When I first saw it, I realized I've never seen anything more beautiful. But Shepard was meant to become greater than I've ever dreamed to be; she would do greater things on that ship than anyone else could.

Besides, I was getting old. And probably a little soft.

I walked in through the airlock, and found Joker at the cockpit, running diagnostics on the ship and humming a song older than my parents. What an odd kid.

He looked over his shoulder when he heard me coming in and gave me a tiny smile. "Just saw the vid, Captain. You must be proud."

"Indeed I am." I went to the copilot seat and relaxed a little bit. After a silent moment, during which Joker never stopped observing me, I talked again. "I'm giving her the _Normandy_ , Joker."

"… So, you're kicking me out? Because if that's the case, I have to warn you, I'm about to steal the ship. Again."

"I'm not kicking anybody out. I'm the one being kicked out, actually."

"What? But why?"

"You saw the vid. She's a Spectre now, she answers to no one but the Council, and even they won't ask much from her. She can't be in someone else's ship."

"But sir…"

"And I want her to have it. Think about it, Joker. Shepard is the first human Spectre. The _Normandy_ is the first of its type. There is never going to be another one of them. They're meant to be."

He opened his mouth, and I expected a snarky comeback, but he closed it again. He nodded, finally, and spoke in a very quiet voice. "What about you, sir?"

"You're actually the second person to ask me that." I chuckled. "I'm going to stay here, and help her with whatever I can. You know how the Council loves helping humans. She's gonna need someone to back her up."

Another moment of silence. I was expecting a lot more of protest, but he seemed to be taking everything in consideration, and even being rebellious as he was, Joker never rubbed me as unreasonable. Finally, he looked at me and nodded. "Crew is all in, except for Shepard and Williams. Do you want me to open the comm, Captain?"

I got up and stood by him. As he reached out to open the comm, I interrupted him with my one last request. "Joker. Watch out for her, will you?"

Again, he looked ready for a snarky comeback, but thought better of it, and closed his mouth tight. His face was slightly red when he nodded in agreement, and finally opened the comm, pulling the brim of his hat a little lower. "You're on, Captain."


	8. Back and forth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some free time, and I'm writing like a madman.  
> My boyfriend is currently playing mass effect, and I just fell in love with the game all over again. I tell him I'm in love with Joker, and he looks at me and says: "you always go for the weirdoes". Which in fact I do XD  
> This time I wrote Joker and Shepard. We're still not there with them, because I really like to create some tension and give the whole thing some background, just to heat things up, but their feelings are starting to show.  
> Sure, Shepard is oblivious, and Joker is stubborn, but that just makes me love them more.  
> Hope you enjoy it!

\- Joker.

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

 _"Watch out for her, will you?"_ _Sure, Captain! Ask the only guy on the ship that can't hold his crutches and a gun at the same time without making a scene to watch out for the badass N7 Commander who just turned into a Spectre, and is probably going to burn down the Terminus Systems in the near future, why don't you?_

There were actually about seventy six different snarky comebacks for that on my repertoire, but Anderson reminded me of my father a little too much for me to be a jerk when he was being so… Fatherly.

So yeah, I would watch out for her, somehow.

I was thinking about that when the airlock opened, and the VI announced that the CO was on deck. I turned my seat around to watch her coming in, and… Well, I was surprised by the first line of a bad joke.

A Turian, a Quarian and a Krogan walked into a ship. _My_ ship. I panicked a little when the Krogan turned towards me and growled, but he moved on. Who the hell would let a Krogan anywhere near a guy with brittle bone disease?

And as if on cue, Shepard walked in, right behind them. She didn't look like someone who just got a promotion and a ship. Actually, she looked kind of upset. She waved the aliens off at Pressly's general direction - the poor guy went pale as a sheet - and walked into the cockpit.

"Hey, Commander." I said, because she didn't look anywhere close to find words for whatever was it that she wanted to say. "Congratulations. Spectre, huh?"

"Does that mean I'm trouble?" She asked, rising an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah, but I'm pretty sure you already were, so, not much of a change there." That got a smile out of her, but it didn't reach her eyes. Well, I couldn't blame her. There was a touchy elephant in the middle of the room, and no point on avoiding it. "So, I heard what happened to Captain Anderson. Guy survives a hundred battles, and then gets taken down by backroom politics. Just watch your back, Commander. Things go bad on this mission, you're next on their chopping block."

Her shoulders fell. Like, really fell, she got three inches shorter and her eyes drifted away. What the hell? I repeated myself mentally, trying to figure just what could I have possibly said to cause that. I mean, it wasn't a nice comment, but sure as hell wasn't all that bad!

"This doesn't feel right." She said, quietly, and her eyes fell back on me. "Captain Anderson should be the one in charge. It's like I'm stealing the ship from him."

Oh. That.

I turned my seat back to the console and took a moment to consider my next words. _"Watch out for her, will you?" Now just why did you ask me that?_

"Well, yeah, the Captain got screwed, but it's not like you could have stopped it. Nobody is blaming you, Commander." I said, lightly, figuring it would be better not to make a fuss over it. "Besides, given the circumstances, I figure he'd rather have the ship passed on to you than to anyone else. Plus, we gonna need someone to back us up with the politicians. God knows that ambassador of ours is kinda pointless."

She smiled, and her shoulders got back up a little bit. "Can't argue with that."

"Right? You see, everyone on this ship is behind you, Commander. One hundred percent." And with that, she was back. She gave me a nod, looking suddenly badass again, and I hid my own smile under the brim of the hat. Didn't want people thinking I was being nice. "Should I open the comm? If you've got anything you want to say to the crew, now's the time."

She took a deep breath, nodded at me, and I opened the comm. She leaned over my seat, and my heart stopped dead in my chest for a moment. She was still in full gear, minus the helmet, and she smelled like blood and sweat and gunmetal, but her hair, falling over her face, carried this very distinct scent. Cinnamon. She smelled like cinnamon.

"This is Commander Shepard speaking." She started. "We have our orders: find Saren before he finds the Conduit. I won't lie to you, crew. This mission isn't going to be easy. This began with and attack on a human settlement in the Traverse, but we know Saren won't stop there. His Geth armies aren't going to stay on the far fringes of Citadel Space. Our enemy knows we're coming. Wherever he searches for the Conduit, we'll be there. We'll hunt him to the very end of the galaxy, and bring him down." She paused, took another deep breath and looked at me. I didn't think she was looking for reassurance, but I gave her an encouraging nod anyway. She nodded back and went on. "Humanity needs to do this. Not just for our own sake, but for the sake of every species in Citadel Space. Saren must be stopped, and I promise you all… We will stop him! So be ready, because we are going to battle."

At the end, her voice sounded almost like a thunder. It gave me chills. I closed the comm when she stepped back, and she looked at me like she was asking for feedback. I smiled. "Well said, Commander. Captain would be proud." Thank god I remembered to record it, so that I could send him a copy later.

She nodded. "Captain Anderson gave up everything so I could have this chance. We can't fail."

And there it was. The fire in her eyes that everybody talked about, the burning aura that could infect you and turn you into a better soldier, the fighting spirit that got her through hell during the N7 program, and the Blitz, and Eden Prime. That was the Commander Shepard everybody knew.

The fact that I met the Commander Shepard who didn't quite know how to handle social interactions, and tried to bite back the urge to smile when she felt like it, and then the Shepard who would lose her sleep and drink french brandy with doctor Chakwas on the med bay, and then the Shepard who would randomly recruit a bunch of people to fight with her, and the Shepard who would be upset by getting her ship at the cost of Anderson's job, and look at me for reassurance, and even for some feedback, before getting to know the inspiring side of her made me feel a little weird.

The racing-heart-and-butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of weird.

 

\- Alessa Shepard

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

It was downtime, and I found myself running away from Kaidan.

Actually, running away from my own mess would be more accurate. I went to get feedback from him on the whole you're-a-Spectre-take-this-ship-and-go-off-to-save-the-galaxy situation, and ended up asking the guy for the story of his life. Next thing I knew, he was avoiding me _and_ any personal subjects all together. How did that happened?

I should have kept my mouth shut. I mean, of course the guy would be freaked out. Nobody wants to be in that position with a Commanding Officer. And now I had scared him off, Ashley was asleep, Garrus was obsessing over the Mako, Tali couldn't believe in the size of our drive core, Wrex didn't give a damn, and I was bored and a bit restless.

Before I knew it, I was walking up to the cockpit.

We were on our way to Therum, flying on FTL, no Relay jump anytime soon, so I was surprised to see Joker still sitting there, but then again, not _that_ surprised, really. He was humming a song when I came in, but stopped suddenly and turned his head up and a little to the right as I got closer. Somehow, he could always tell I was there.

But then again, I was up there a lot.

Funny thing about the cockpit: it was a quiet place. Joker was unruly and a little annoying, but he was a quiet man, passionate about his work, and usually smiling to himself under the brim of that hat. He wouldn't bother me, and I could just stand there and stare at the stars outside. It was relaxing, really.

"Hey, Commander." He said, without turning around. "Something you need?"

"Shouldn't you be sleeping by now?"

"Shouldn't _you_?" He turned to look at me, one corner of his lips going slightly up.

"Let's not go there." I said, and he snorted, looking back at the console. He went from one screen to another, and then to the next, and the way he did it was so mechanical I would bet he could do that with his eyes closed. "So, how's the _Normandy_ performing? Is she everything they said she'd be?"

He looked up at me again, his eyes sparkling a little. "She's the best ship in the fleet, as long as you have a pilot who knows how to handle her." He gave me this cocky grin, and went for the screens again. "You see, the balance isn't quite what you'd expect. It takes a while to get used to the oversized drive core we have stuffed in the back, and her power can sneak up on you if you're not careful." Now he was fully smiling, and making a poor job of hiding it with the hat. "The _Normandy_ is probably too much of a ship for your average Alliance pilot, Commander. Lucky for you, I'm anything but average."

He sounded unflappable all the way through the speech, but I could see a light shade of red creeping up his face, even under the thick beard. _Don't smile. Do not smile_. "Boy, they told me you were cocky, but I'm guessing that was a bit of an understatement, huh?" He scoffed, and fell quiet again. "Say, Joker, do you mind if I ask you a few questions? I figure I should probably get to know the crew better, given the circumstances."

For a fraction of second, he froze. I wouldn't even have noticed if I wasn't watching his hands so carefully. What was it with me spooking the male crewmembers of my ship whenever I started asking questions?

"I can see where this is going." He said, in an annoyed voice I haven't heard before, though he sounded annoyed almost all the time. He pushed his seat away from the console and turned towards me just a little, and then stared me dead in the eye.

Now, what disturbed me about that was the fact that, on the military, you only looked people in the eye if you were their superior and intended to scare them shitless. In my case, specifically, people seemed to get scared shitless just by looking at me. Hell, it took a near death experience for Kaidan to look at my face, and he still couldn't look me in the eye. And somehow, Joker had no problem with it.

That was one of those things I couldn't quite put together about him. He would make a point of pushing the rules - and people's patience - to the edge, like growing a beard, and wearing that hat at all times, and being deliberately neglectful when addressing to other officers, especially his superiors, all of that without never really crossing the line. It was an act, that much I knew, but why?

"You did a background check on me, didn't you?" He went on, without giving me a chance to say anything. I meant to interrupt him right there, because no, I hadn't done a background check on him, but the guy sounded so pissed I just let him go on with whatever was it that was bothering him. "Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told Captain Anderson: you _want me_ as your pilot. I'm not good. I'm not even great. I'm the best damn helmsman in the Alliance Fleet. Top of my class in flight school? I _earned_ that. All those commendations in my file? I earned _every single one_ of them. Those weren't given to me as charity for my disease."

Wait, what? Damn, I knew I should have read the files.

"Hang on." I interrupted, raising a hand. "I'm sorry, Joker, I didn't mean to insult you or anything. I didn't even know you _had_ a disease."

He had stopped in the middle of his enraged argument, and gaped at me a little, narrowing his eyes, like he was trying to decide if I was serious or not. "You mean… You mean you didn't know." He let out a bitter chuckle, and looked away from me, rubbing his eyes as his face went a little red again. "Ah, crap."

I waited, remembering what Chakwas said about him and his many layers. _Let's see what's beneath, then_. I sat at the copilot's seat, pulling my legs up against my chest, and stayed quiet, figuring he'd talk when he felt like talking. It didn't take long.

"Okay, you see, I've got Vrolik's Syndrome. You know, brittle bone disease? It's an extremely rare condition. My bones, especially on my legs, never developed properly. They're basically hollow, too much force and they'll shatter. It's treatable, but there's no cure. My case is classified as moderate to severe, meaning I was born with already a dozen fractures. Even with crutches and my leg braces, it's kinda hard to get around. One wrong step and _CRACK_! It's all very dramatic."

Suddenly, a lot of things started making sense.

He gave me a side look, probably trying to figure how I was dealing with his story, but all I did was rest my chin over my knees and wait. "A hundred years ago, I wouldn't have survived past my first year. Lucky for me, modern medical science has turned me into a productive member of society." Another bitter chuckle, and he turned to look at me, dead in the eye again. "I've learned to manage my condition, Commander." He stated, confident, but I got the very distinct impression that he was saying that to himself, more than to me. I've been there, on that place where you do whatever it takes to prove yourself worthy. I was probably still there, half of the time. "You put the _Normandy_ in my hands, I'll make her dance for you. Just don't ask _me_ to dance, unless, you know, you like the sound of snapping shin bones."

"Uh, wow." Was the best I could come up with. I couldn't say I understood, because he wouldn't have it, really. I didn't understand his feelings or anything, I just understood why he acted like a hedgehog: he wanted to be treated the same as everybody else, and if you couldn't do that, then he wanted to be left alone. And the thing about jerks is that you either put up with them, or you ignore them all together, so his plan was pretty much flawless. Sort of. "Does your condition ever get in the way of your job?" I asked, and regretted it the second it came out of my mouth.

The way he looked at me... Damn. Why couldn't I get my foot out of my mouth on that particularly stupid day? It was like every time I talked, my words would turn into this bizarre, ugly and hurtful version of whatever was it that I intended to say, and people would be seen running for their lives and away from me.

And to think that I was so damn good with guns, but couldn't handle a simple conversation.

"Uh, in case you haven't noticed, Commander, I don't use my feet to fly the ship. As long as I'm sitting right here, everything is fine. I gotta be real careful when I get up to take a piss, though." He was spitting fire, and that last part stung a little too much, but then again, he could get under everyone's skin. I was no exception. I tried to hide it from him, though. Not quite sure why.

"Okay."

"Look, I can do my job as well as anyone else here. Better, actually. So don't worry about it." He turned his eyes back to the console, and for the first time since I met him, his lips were curved down.

"Look, Joker, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable here. Let's just talk about something else, okay?"

"Yeah, right. Whatever you say."


	9. Therum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote Liara this time, and I don't think I'm ever doing it again. It was hard! She is way too polite, and I had to watch out and use difficult words and stuff. And since I don't like Liara all that much, especially on the first game, I'm gonna avoid doing that from now on =X

\- Liara T'Soni

 

( _2183 - Therum_ )

Done. Another pile of artifacts was catalogued, tagged and stored.

I sat back inside the tent, and took a deep breath. Goddess, I was tired. For how long had I been doing that?

I looked around just to find out the dig site was deserted. Then I looked at the time and felt suddenly weak at the knees. Wonderful. Once again, I had worked for hours after my shift. The others were probably at the camp site by then, most likely already sleeping, and I was left behind inside the ruins of Prothean catacombs. Or at least I thought they were catacombs. When it comes to Protheans, one can never be sure.

I rested my head in my hands, and felt like crying. At times like that, I would always think of my mother.

The first time she took me to see the temple of Athame, in Thessia, I instantly fell in love. I could remember clearly asking my mother how a place built several thousand years ago could be still standing. I was very young then, she was giving me a historical tour, but all I could think about was how fascinating it was to be standing in a doorway to the past.

I always believed that moment was the reason why I turned into an archeologist, despite my mother's position among our people, despite everything that was expected from me. I always thought that's what she secretly wanted for me, even when my choices ended up separating us. I hoped... I don't know what I hoped for, but I never wanted to find myself alone at the end of every day, with nothing more than my thoughts to make me company.

I shook my head in order to dismiss those memories. My mother had chosen her path, and I had chosen mine, and there was nothing to be done about that. Come to think of it, I hadn't heard of her in almost a decade.

I walked out of the tents and started to make my way up the dig site. I was not very fond of the idea of walking to the camp site on my own, but I also didn't feel like sleeping in the ruins yet again. I went through the ramp and called the elevator, and was already on my way up when I heard some weird noises. Noises that resembled gunshots a little too much to my comfort.

When I got to the first level, my heart stopped beating for a second, and I was sure that was the end of me.

There were Geth inside the ruins.

They started shooting at me, and I panicked. I used my biotics to put up a barrier, and ran back into the elevator. Not that there was much to do on the lower levels, other than hide into a corner and pray. I could never take them all on my own, and there was nowhere to run.

Halfway down, the elevator's breaks kicked in, and I was brought to a stop in between two levels. The Geth had shot the cables loose, and blown up half of the catwalks in the process, as I found out soon enough, falling through the wreckage when I stumbled out of the elevator.

My back hit the ground hard, and I blacked out for a moment. I got back to my senses fast enough though, and as soon as I saw the Geth rushing to me, an idea crossed my mind.

I scrambled towards the nearest empty… Tomb? I wasn't even sure what that was. I was sure, however, that it had a barrier to keep me safe inside. As long as I could manage to set it on, that is.

And I did. Only I also hit something I shouldn't in the process. Next thing I knew, I was floating inside a bubble-like energy field, inside the barrier. Inside the tomb. What a great place to be. Suddenly, it downed on me: nobody knew where I was, or at least nobody alive, taken all the other archeologists were probably already dead, and since I had nobody waiting for me, nobody would be missing me anytime soon, and I was probably doomed to die right there, unnoticed, forgotten.

Time passed by, as the Geth, and the Krogan bossing them around, tried to find their way inside. They could probably figure something out, it wouldn't be all that hard, but I hoped they would give up before that. I was praying to the Goddess for patience and clarity, and trying to find peace with my destiny, when I heard it.

At first, I thought it was the Geth with their random noises, but as the sound got closer and I could get a better hold of it, I realized it was people talking. And maybe it was wishful thinking, but they didn't sound like the bad guys at all.

Well, they definitely weren't Geth. That was a start.

As they got closer, I could hear them talking, and my heart jumped inside my chest.

"Do you thing they're here for this Liara person?" A woman asked, with a heavily accented, small, almost childish voice.

"I gonna bet they are." Another woman responded, with a low, heavy and sort of compelling voice. "We better find her before they do." And as she said that, she jumped out of the elevator, and into my line of sight.

For a moment, I thought I was imagining her. She was smaller than I expected, and human, on top of that. She had a very strong frame, and an exquisite red hair, and glowing green eyes, and she was wearing full armor, and carrying enough guns to put down a small army. Not to mention she was being followed closely by a Quarian girl and an older, much scarier Krogan than the one I saw before.

No, she couldn't possibly be real. She couldn't possibly be looking for me.

"Uh… Hello? Can somebody help me, please?" I called out anyway.

She turned towards me, gun in hand, and then realized I was in no position of causing any trouble to her, dropping the ready-to-fight attitude very quickly. She walked up to me and touched the barrier.

"Can you hear me out there?" I continued, not sure if she actually could. She looked at me, puzzled. "I am trapped, I need help!"

"Are you okay?" She asked, and that voice was really coming out of her. My skin prickled at the sound of it.

"Oh, thank the Goddess! You can hear me!" I almost cried.

"You are Liara T'Soni, aren't you?" She asked, looking inside my eyes, knowing the answer already. "What happened to you?"

"Yes, yes, that's me." I confirmed in a much lower voice than my usual one, feeling an unwelcome tightness on my chest, as her eyes bore deeper into my soul. I did not have time for that! "Listen, this thing I'm in is a Prothean security device. I cannot move, so I need you to get me out of it, alright? But, please, be careful! As I was investigating the ruins, the _Geth_ showed up! Can you believe it? Geth! _Beyond the Veil_!" She gave me an amused look at the sound of that, which I couldn't quite understand, but I went on. "That's how I ended up in here. I activated this place's defenses, but I must have hit something I wasn't supposed to. I was trapped here. Please, you must get me out!"

"Are you aware of what your mother has been doing?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest, giving me a judging look.

I stared at her, my mouth hanging half open, as that question sank in. Why was she talking about my mother?

"What?" I asked finally, when the shock wore off, my voice coming out as a high pitched squeal. "What does _she_ have to do with anything?"

"Doctor T'Soni, please understand. Right now, your mother, Matriarch Benezia, is working with a rogue Spectre named Saren. We're here to figure out whose side you're on." She went on, her voice very calm, but still unreasonably compelling.

"I am not on _anybody's_ side!" An anger I didn't know I was holding inside of me started creeping its way out of my chest, as my sight went a little blurry. "I may be Benezia's daughter, but I am _nothing_ like her! I have not spoken to her in years!"

I suddenly realized I was yelling at her. She didn't look even slightly shaken by it, her judging look steady, intense, like she was trying to see what was under my skin. She didn't look impressed either, but maybe she had never interacted with that many Asari before to know we rarely lose control like that. But I knew, and that made me feel embarrassed.

"Just… Please." I begged, toning down my voice, and wishing I could move my arms just enough to hide my face. "Just get me out of here."

She was quiet for a moment, her eyes never leaving me, and I could almost hear the wheels turning inside her head. Was I worth it? I hoped she decided I was.

Then, that moment was over, and the corners of her lips went up a little, in a quiet smile that disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

"Hang in there, doc. We just need to figure some way past this energy field." She said, turning around.

I opened my mouth, trying to pick one of the many things rushing through my mind to tell her, but I found out that I couldn't. I caught myself staring at her back as she looked over the rest of the dig site and thinking that she was just… So impressive. She was like a vision, like someone out of an old legend, a knight in a shiny armor, and I just couldn't stop myself from thinking that…

That I wanted to be with her.

 

***

 

An hour or so went by after she left. I heard gunshots, small explosions, and sometimes, Geth parts would fly out from the lower levels and land in front of my cage. I was scared, worried, and feeling slightly lightheaded. That was way more excitement than I ever had in my 106 years of life. Of course, I was still young for an Asari, but even so.

Despite my worries, though, for as long as the gunshots and explosions went on, I knew she was still fighting, and that gave me unexpected hope.

At some point, however, everything went silent. I could hear nothing for almost ten minutes, and then there was this awful sound, like the ground was opening up and trying to swallow everything above, and as if to illustrate it, the whole structure rattled like it was about to fall apart.

Then it stopped, and nothing else moved for a while. I had no idea what was going on, and when I heard the sound of shuffling feet behind me, I feared the worst of all outcomes. But as I made an almost insane effort to move my head and look over my shoulder, I saw her red hair and her green eyes approaching me, and my heart was filled with excitement.

She did it. I had no idea how, but she did it.

"How did you get in here? I didn't think there was any way past the barrier…"

"We blasted through with the mining laser." She said simply, rising an eyebrow, and her Krogan chuckled, like she had just said the funniest thing in the world.

"Oh. Of course. That makes sense." I said, and embarrassment started taking over me now that she was so close. I was about to tell her how to deactivate the energy field, when I saw her stepping closer to the control panel and starting to temper with it.

I gasped loudly, and so did the Quarian. "Do you even know what you're doing?" She asked, coming closer to watch over the human's shoulder.

"Hey, give me some credit. I can hack into almost anything." And with that remark, the field went off, and I fell to the ground with a thud. "You alright there?" She asked, coming to my aid. She held me by the elbow and pulled me up, and I was surprised to see that we were about the same height.

"Yes. Yes, I believe I am."

"Any idea how we get out of this place?" Her Krogan asked, with a rugged, low and slightly mean voice.

"I, uh… Yes, I suppose… There is an elevator back there. At least I think it's an elevator. It should take us to the top level and out of here. We should… We should go." I struggled with my words, because she still had her hand on me, and she was looking me in the eyes, and I was finding it very hard to formulate appropriate sentences.

I walked towards the so-called elevator, and started it with almost no effort at all. When I turned back to her, I found three pairs of eyes set sternly on me.

"So, doctor T'Soni…" She started. "Do you have any idea what's going on here?"

"No." I said, sincerely, trying to control my voice, but still finding it difficult. Mixed to the tingling sensation that her eyes caused all over my skin, there were also thoughts about my mother joining a rogue Spectre, and the Geth attacking me, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't make sense of it. "I still cannot believe this. Why would the Geth come after me? Why would my mother…? Do you think Benezia is involved in all this?"

"Well, we have solid proof that she is working with Saren." The Quarian said. She sounded so very young… What was she even doing there?

"And Saren is looking for the Conduit. So think fast, Ms. Prothean Expert." The Krogan said, taking a step towards me, and I was sudden terrified of him.

"The Conduit? But I… I don't even…" I lifted my arms into a defensive position, and stepped away from them. What in the whole wide universe were they talking about? We were, however, interrupted by the overwhelming sound of the building crumbling down on us.

"What was that?" The Quarian asked, in an exasperated voice.

And then it downed on me: I knew exactly what was happening. "Oh, no." I started, my voice cracking a little. "This is bad… This place is right on top of an unstable tectonic plate. The mining laser… It must have triggered a seismic event…"

" _Now_ you tell us that?" The Quarian sighed.

"Crap." The red headed human said with a wince. "We have to hurry, this whole place is caving in." She stated, and then turned into her heels, activating her earpiece at the same time. "Joker! Get the _Normandy_ airborne and locked in on my signal. On the double, mister!"

"On it, Commander." Came the sharp and yet very calm voice through her earpiece. "Secure and aweigh. ETA eight minutes."

"That won't do, Joker, you need to get here faster!" She commanded her voice turning into a thunder like sound.

The person on the other side didn't sound all that impressed, though. He made an annoyed and exaggerated sound before answering her. "Aye, aye, Ma'am. Be there in five."

"That's gonna be a close call…" The Quarian mumbled, resigned, while the Krogan grunted.

"If I die in here, I'll kill him." He said, but his voice didn't sound all that mean anymore. He almost sounded excited, his deep red eyes glowing a little. It wasn't even a little bit less scary, though.

As soon as the elevator stopped at the top floor, I turned towards the exit, desperate to get out, but the human and the Quarian stopped me at the same time, pushing me to stand one step behind them. Before I could protest, however, the Krogan I had seen earlier walked in towards us, followed closely by a handful of Geth. He closed the barrier behind him, and grinned - if that could be called a grin - at us.

"Surrender." He said, in an almost bored voice. "Or don't. That would be more fun."

The human sighed. "Fuck this, we don't have time to deal with this idiot. Charge!" She yelled.

After that, everything went on in a blur. She shoved me to the ground with a heavy hand, and then she was standing over me, pistol in hand, shooting like a mad man. The Quarian had disappeared from my side, and was rolling around, shotgun in hand, overloading the Geth's shields and then blowing them up. The Krogans were headbutting each other, throwing punches and insults in such an insane way that I felt terrified just by watching them.

Then my attention fell back into her, as she graciously turned around to shoot enemies in different points of the room. She wouldn't step away from me, protecting me with all she had. Her hair would float around her head, following her movements, and her lips would turn up a bit over every enemy she managed to defeat, and she was just… She was so… Beautiful.

And as suddenly as it started, the fight was over. I was still mesmerized by her, and it took me a moment to realize the urgency in her eyes as she pulled me up and urged me towards the exit.

Next thing I knew, I was running for my life. The Quarian and the Krogan were almost dragging me along with them, and she was running one step behind, ordering us to move. We dashed out of the tunnels, but we weren’t safe just yet. The whole place was about to turn into an exploding volcano, and I was about to warn them of that when she looked up to the sky and smiled beautifully. I was thrown off balance by that for a moment, and then I followed her gaze and realized there was a ship just above our heads, ready to touch down.

"That brilliant bastard…" She muttered inaudibly, I saw more than heard, and I didn't think anybody else noticed. It lasted just for this one very small moment, and then the smile was gone, and she was barking orders at us again. Soon, I was inside the ship, and sitting in a conference room, and half of her crew was standing around me.

I found out her name was Shepard. Alessa Shepard. She was a N7 trained Commander under the Alliance flag, but also a Spectre, the first human Spectre ever. The _Normandy_ was her ship, and it was mostly manned by humans. She did, however, recruit a handful of alien crewmembers, such as the Quarian girl, who was named Tali, and the Krogan, named Wrex. There was also a Turian named Garrus, and two other humans, Ashley and Kaidan, who were part of the main crew, and were summoned to attend the meeting we were about to have.

As we all sat down and Shepard started to speak, the intercom in the room beeped open, and the sharp-yet-calm voice from before came again, this time filled with sarcasm.

"That was a little too close, Commander. Ten more seconds and we would have been swimming in molten sulphur." He said. From what I gathered, he was Flight Lieutenant Moreau, the pilot, usually referred to as Joker. I wasn't sure why, though, since nobody seemed to be amused by his comments. "You see, the _Normandy_ isn't equipped to land in exploding volcanoes. They tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull, you know? Just pointing it out. For future reference."

I couldn't understand that at all.

"We almost died out there and your pilot is making jokes?" I asked, incredulous.

"Well, Joker pulled our butts out of there." Tali said, crossing her arms. Everybody else was looking uncomfortable and speechless over my remark, but she went on. "I think he earned the right to a few bad jokes."

"It's a coping mechanism." Shepard added. I could see she was biting the insides of her mouth, but I couldn't understand why. "You get used to it."

"I see. It must be… A human thing." I said, making Wrex and Garrus snort at the same time. They didn't interrupt me, though, so I went on. "I don't have a lot of experience dealing with your species, Commander." That remark earned me a glare from Ashley. "But I am grateful to you. You saved my life back there, and not just from the volcano. Those Geth… They would have killed me. Or worse, dragged me off to Saren! That thought alone is terrifying."

"Do you have any idea why Saren was after you? Do you know anything at all about the Conduit?" She asked, all too hopeful.

"I'm afraid not." It hurt me a little too much to not be able to help her. I searched my memory in order to find something, anything, that I could give her, but it was mostly pointless. "I know it's supposed to be Prothean, and is somehow connected to their extinction, but that is all. I have spent the past fifty years trying to figure out what happened to them, but I am still not sure."

She winced at the mention of time. Of course, humans were short-lived beings. How could I forget that?

"Whoa. Just how old are you exactly?" She asked, rising one eyebrow.

"I… Hope it doesn’t diminish my credibility on your eyes, but… I am only a hundred and six."

"Damn!" Ashley exclaimed, with an impressed look on her face. "I hope I look that good when I'm your age."

Shepard chuckled to that, and I felt suddenly defensive. "A century may seem like a long time to a short-lived species like yours, but among the Asari, I am barely considered more than a child." I said, sounding a little more aggressive than I had planned on. That earned me another glare from Ashley, but Shepard nodded at me, encouraging me to go on. "That is why my research has not received the attention it deserves. Because I am young, other Asari scholars tend to dismiss my theories on the Protheans very quickly."

From that point, I proceeded to tell Shepard and her crew about my theories on the Protheans, and how they disappeared completely from the galaxy, and how they built their empire on top of the ruins of other civilizations that came before them and also vanished.

As I explained the cycle, in which one race rises, and then disappears, leaving little to no trace at all for other races to follow and learn from, Shepard kept giving me these all-knowing nods and looks, never asking questions, although her crewmates had asked them all for her. I got the strong feeling that she was holding something from me. When I finished my speech, on a sad note about how the Protheans were almost purposely erased from the galaxy, she finally started talking.

"They _were_ erased." She said, confident. She wasn't looking at anyone in particular, just staring absently into nothing and pressing her forehead, as if she had a headache. "They were… Wiped out by a race of sentient machines. The Reapers. I came into contact with a damaged Prothean Beacon on Eden Prime, and it burned a vision into my brain. I'm still trying to sort out the specifics, but the general idea goes around synthetics destroying the Protheans, in what seemed like a long and desperate war. The information we gathered later led me to believe those synthetics are the so-called Reapers."

I gaped. "A beacon? Goddess, yes, well, that makes sense… The beacons were designed to transmit information directly into the mind of the user. But you… Where did you find one that still worked? No, never mind that, the beacons were only programmed to interact with Prothean physiology, whatever information you received should have been confused, unclear! I am amazed you were able to make sense of it at all!" I got up and paced around a little. I wanted to go to her, to touch her, to just stare at her and figure out what was she made of. Such an impressive being! But that was inappropriate, of course. "A lesser mind would have been utterly destroyed by the process! You must be remarkably strong-willed, Commander."

On the other side of the room, Kaidan and Ashley shifted uncomfortably on their seats, looking bothered with my statement, although I couldn't quite understand why. "This isn't helping us find Saren. Or the Conduit." Kaidan declared.

Of course. They were soldiers. My scientific curiosity - although I did not believe that was the only reason for my deep interest - would have to wait.

"You are right. I am sorry, my curiosity got the better of me. Unfortunately, however, I do not have any information that could help you find any of them."

"I understand." Shepard told me, with a nod. She believed me, and the fact that she did so made me feel a little giddy. "I don't know why Saren wanted you out of the picture, doctor, but I think you and I will be better off if you tag along. If he comes after you again, you'll be fairly safe with us, and your knowledge of the Protheans might be useful later on. What do you say?"

I looked at her, almost in shock. She was asking me to stay.

"I… I would be honored, Commander."


	10. Making friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend Rosie is now reading it too, so this chap is for her, because she loooooves them just as I do.  
> Joker and Shepard again, everyone.

\- Alessa Shepard

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

Boy, was this job getting out of hand or what?

Once everybody left the comm room, I dropped down in one of the chairs and stretched my back for a moment. So, what next? Feros? Noveria? I had a hunch about Noveria, and wanted to go there last, but by the way things were picking up speed, I didn't think it would make any difference. Whatever I went there first or last, once I got there, hell would break loose.

Apparently, that was bound to happen everywhere I went.

"Commander?" Joker's voice came in through the comm, and I winced. Not a moment of peace. "Mission reports are filed. You want me to patch you through to the Council?"

"Go ahead, Joker." I said, getting up and preparing myself to the duty.

"Alright, setting up the link now, Commander." He said, in that almost bored tone of his. At least, he was being his usual self around me, even after that awful conversation we had. Kaidan, on another hand, was still all awkward, and kept saying he'd already wasted enough of my time. And all I did was ask for some personal input, god dammit!

One would take that as a cue to drop it and step aside, but no, I had to be a stubborn moron who didn't know when to quit, and kept falling for those beautiful, kind of sad, brown eyes.

Because I wasn't screwed enough.

"We've received your report, Commander. It is our understanding that Dr. T'Soni is aboard of the _Normandy_." The Asari councilor snapped me out of my thoughts.

"That's right, Ma'am."

"I assume you're taking the necessary security precautions?" The Turian councilor - the one I disliked the most - said, in that tone that makes it clear what he thinks of you: _you're useless, and if it was for me, you'd be back in that rock you call home_.

I sighed, and pressed the bridge of my nose, feeling tired and annoyed. "She's on our side, councilor. The Geth were trying to _kill_ her."

"I trust your judgment, Commander." The Asari councilor said, before the Turian asshole could argue with that, but she didn't sound trusting at all.

"At least the mission was a success." The Salarian, who rarely had something to say, added, sounding actually pleased. Was it a he or a she? I had a hard time with Salarians and genders. Not the time to think about it, though.

"Well, apart from the utter destruction of a major Prothean ruin, that is." The Turian asshole started again, and the Asari councilor actually sighed at that, like even she had had enough of his shit. "Was that really necessary, Shepard?"

"Are you kidding me, _sir_?" I snapped, and that came out a little louder than I planned on, but the effect was great. All three councilors took half a step back, eyes wide, suddenly shocked. "I had Geth crawling up the walls, a volcano boiling under my feet, we almost didn't get out alive, and you wanted me to worry about the ruins? With all due respect, _sir_ , but screw the goddamn ruins. The Protheans were gone long before I got there, so I don't think they'll miss it. And if I don't get my job done, we'll follow them soon enough. So forgive me if I don't give a damn about a pile of 50.000 years old Prothean crap, but I believe the lives on stake right now are way more important." I turned on my heels before they could say anything, and said. "We're done here, Joker."

There was a faint beep, and then Joker's voice came through. I could hear him smiling as he said: "Communications cut, Commander."

Well, at least someone was having fun.

 

***

 

"I don't get it." Kaidan said, leaning against the wall. "I mean, Saren is onto something that could mean galactic destruction, and the Council pretends there's nothing to worry about? This is messed up."

"Tell me about it." I crossed my arms and sighed.

I got out of the comm room feeling a little too pissed off to do anything major, so I told Joker to get us on our way to Feros and went down to the mess to get something to eat. As far as being a marine goes, food always makes you feel better.

When I got there, Kaidan was standing by the lockers, frowning, lost in thoughts. Unable to resist, I walked straight up to him, and as it turned out, he was finally willing to talk. I told him about the mission reports, and the Turian councilor, and just how much I wanted to punch some sense into his head. Thankfully, we were on the same page.

"The Council doesn't want to believe anything is wrong on their perfect little piece of galaxy." I went on. "I'd call it human nature, but…"

"I hear you." He said, with a contained chuckle. He looked into my eyes and I smiled at him. For once, he didn't look away. "I just… I mean, it's the Council! If they can't see the problem, who will? It's so weird. We finally get out here, and it's like the final frontier is already settled, and the residents don't even care about the view. Or the dangers."

Wow. Talk about being old school. Somehow, that made him even cuter, though. It matched his eyes, and the softness of his voice. It made me smile. Shit. I was doomed.

"You're a romantic, aren't you? Did you sign up for the dream, Kaidan? To secure men's future in space?"

He laughed at that, wholeheartedly, and the feeling I got from seeing the crinkles around his eyes and the dimples on his cheeks got me warm all over.

"Yeah, I… I read a lot of those books when I was a kid, where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of the woman he loves or…" He blushed a little as he talked, smile still in his face, and his eyes finally drifted away from mine. "You know, for justice. Maybe I was a romantic at the beginning, but I thought about it after Brain Camp… Ah… Sorry, the Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training. Anyway, I'm not looking for the dream. I just… Wanna do some good. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I understand." I said, and half meant it.

I could understand the general idea, but not the feeling. I signed up because it was either that or living in the streets for the rest of my life, rolling with gangs, in and out of jail for robbery, breaking and entering, riot, fraud, extortion, vandalism… Well, the list could go on forever.

The thing was: I was good at intimidating and barking orders and shooting people and throwing punches and… Well, fighting and surviving altogether. It came as natural to me as breathing. I didn't join the military because I was hoping to get somewhere or do something. I was just doing what I knew how to do and making a living - a decent one for a change - out of it.

Of course, there was a little part of me who dreamed of greatness, but it was just that one small part that enjoyed looking out through the viewport when there was nothing else to do.

But hey, I could live with a romantic guy. Hell, I always fell for that type anyways.

"Brain Camp must have been tough, though, to change your heart about the dream. Most people don't realize what's out there until they get some field action."

"Yeah, well. We were isolated all the way out at Jump Zero. No extranet, nothing to do really, but the extensive training… I'm sorry, supervised use of our biotics for observation and scientific purposes. The _dream_ doesn't survive for long under those circumstances."

That wasn't the first time I heard stories about the things that human biotics were put through. Not everybody had it bad, but Kaidan was older, and word around was that half of the people who went to Jump Zero for biotic training didn't get out quite the same. According to Chakwas, Kaidan was one of the lucky ones.

I was about to ask him more about it, when Ash strode out of the elevator and towards us.

"I was hoping to talk to you guys." She said, smiling. The thing I liked the most about Ash was that, when wearing an armor, she was the best soldier you could ever hope to fight with, and when not, she would be best friend you could ever get. She was a lot of fun. "So, it's my downtime now, and I was hoping I could get you guys to join me for a drink. It's a bit of a celebration."

Kaidan went pale. "Ash, seriously? Are you seriously offering alcohol to your Commanding Officer right now?"

She rolled her eyes at him and I laughed. "Relax, Kaidan. With all we've been through lately, I'm gonna say hell yes. A drink would be great. Off the record, of course." I said, and watched as she reached one of her pockets for a silver flask. "So, what are we drinking to?"

"It's Armistice Day, marking the end of the First Contact war. My family always celebrates it. Since I'm the only Williams on board, I thought I'd ask you guys." She gave us a sheepish smile.

"What an odd thing to celebrate." I said, and she gave me a weird look.

"It's kind of a family obligation, you know. I mean, you do know about my family, right? My commanders always find out somehow. It's not on my files or something?"

Note to self: do background check on crew members. Apparently, that's expected from the Commanding Officer.

"There's almost nothing in your files, actually. Technical scores and a list of crap assignments and denied requests, and that's about it."

"Yeah, there's a reason for that." She sighed, and took a swig from the flask. "I'm General Williams' granddaughter."

Kaidan sucked in a sharp breath, and I did my best to hide the fact that I had no idea what she was talking about. "The Commander of the Shanxi garrison?" He asked, looking positively dumbfounded.

Oh. That. I remembered a few things about that.

"You know it." She said, with a sigh. She passed the flask to Kaidan, and he took a sip himself, more out of sympathy for her than anything else. "The only human to ever surrender to an alien race."

The flask came to my hands, but all I could do was stare at her. For some reason, I couldn't believe Ash would beat herself up about that. "Is that why you drive yourself so hard?"

"Yeah, well. My father always told me that a Williams has to do better than the best, if only to avoid suspicion. You see, it takes a special kind of thickheaded to march into a job where your family is blacklisted. And we all did it anyway."

"Your whole family is military?" Kaidan asked.

"Yep, everyone who's alive and old enough to sign up. We refuse to let our name go down. Granddad deserved better than that, better than being demoted and stuck behind a desk." She looked down, with grief and sorrow printed all over her face. Kaidan extended an arm to pat her shoulder, but I stopped him.

I wasn't about to buy that crap.

"So, your grandfather refused to sacrifice his men just to save face for humanity, but you're planning on throwing yourself on a sword to save face for him?" I said, careful not to sound too bitchy. I didn't want to offend her. I just wanted her to start fighting for herself instead of the others, and what they might have to say about her family.

She looked at me and blinked, and Kaidan, whose arm I was still holding, went stiff under my touch.

"I… That's not it." She said, not all that confident though. Her voice was quiet, sad, very distant. "Saving face for him wouldn't make a difference right now. He's gone, and so is dad. There's nobody to impress. And I'll never be good enough for the Alliance anyway." She sighed, and gave me a sad smile. "I'm actually surprised that they let me join you. So, now you know. Gonna kick me off the ship, skipper?"

"Williams." I started, but that wasn't quite the tone for what I wanted to say. "Ash. You're already part of the team. I don't care what your grandfather did or didn't do." I went on, and felt Kaidan relax beside me. I felt like smiling, but bit it down. That was one of those straight-face moments. "Besides, you're a valuable part of the crew now. Who am I gonna run to when I need a hearted point of view? We all know Kaidan here is the brains."

She smiled a big, sincere smile. "I also play a mean game of pool." She said, and with that, they both chuckled, and I couldn't keep my game face any longer. "God, we have to stop hanging out with Joker. It's ruining our sense of humor!"

The chuckles grew into laughs, and we had to cover our mouths not to make a scene. Kaidan leaned a little towards me when I let go of his arm. His fingers brushed mine a little, and my heart made this crazy leap inside my chest. Shit. I was such a school girl!

"Thanks, skipper." She gave me another sheepish smile and rubbed the back of her neck. "You're the first CO to ever say that to me."

I nodded, and took a swig from the flask I still held in hand. "Here's to us." I muttered, as the liquor burned its way down my throat.

 

\- Joker.

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

I was still laughing to myself over the fact that Shepard just hung up on the Council - just like that! - when I heard uncertain footsteps coming from the CIC. It wasn't Shepard, or Ashley, and definitely not Kaidan nor the Krogan - it sounded like an earthquake whenever he walked about - so I looked over my shoulder and found Tali wondering around a little uncertain.

Without thinking, I waved at her to come closer, and then kicked myself internally for it. People would start thinking I'm nice!

But I just couldn't resist.

I first talked to Tali a few hours before we arrived at Therum, when I got out of the med bay and found her toying with her food and looking kind of lonely. She looked like the curious and agitated kind of girl, with this candid innocence glowing around her, and I got this feeling that she was like an oversized version of Gunny, my baby sister, and just went to talk to her, which was very unlike me.

Surprisingly, that didn't turn out as awkward as I expected. She was feeling a little homesick and kind of sad about her friends that died as soon as they left for Pilgrimage, and I just had this unstoppable urge to cheer her up, maybe even bug her a little. You know, big bro stuff. And she was easy to talk to, and would laugh at my bullshit sometimes, and I actually grew kinda fond of her.

Yeah, I was probably just a little homesick myself. Whatever.

"Whatcha doing up here, kiddo?" I said, as she sat down at the copilot seat to my right. "I thought you'd be hypnotized by the drive core again."

"It's downtime." She said, sounding a little tired and a little sad at the same time "Engineer Adams just kicked me out and told me to get some sleep."

"And you're not sleeping because…?"

"Why aren't _you_ sleeping?"

"My sleep schedule is different from everybody else's because I'm the pilot. Your turn."

"I… Uh… The ship is too quiet." She muttered, like she was embarrassed of talking about it. "I'm not complaining." She said quickly, jumping in her seat and waving her hands at me. "I'm just saying I haven't got used to it yet."

"Hey, chill down kiddo, I'm not judging you here. I don't think anybody would. Well, Ashley maybe, but she's a tough ass marine, she doesn't count." I gave her some sort of reassuring half smile, if there was ever such a thing, and she chuckled a bit.

"Shepard is a tough ass marine too." She said. "And Wrex is not a marine but he's definitely…"

"What I mean…" I cut in. Even her arguments sounded a lot like Gunny's. "Is that settling into a ship like this, into a mission like this, is actually kinda hard. Specially when it's your first mission ever. You'll get used to it, kiddo. And hey, you're already doing better than the Asari chick you guys picked up. The woman doesn't get sarcasm, for fuck's sake!"

She laughed at that. "She's a bit of a weirdo, that one."

"Isn't every Asari? I mean, look at their ships! That's some weird taste for design right there."

"You think? Asari frigates are very popular amongst my people. But then again, we're a bit desperate."

Oh, her sense of humor was just awesome.

We stayed in silence for a few minutes, while I checked all the systems for about the third time. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence or anything, it was just me working and Tali watching, and there was nothing to be said. After a while, though, I felt her eyes digging holes into my legs and realized she wanted to ask _the_ question.

In a flash, I remembered the awful conversation I had with Shepard, less than two days before, about the same subject. That was a disaster. But unlike Shepard, Tali didn't make me feel nervous or defensive or even snappy, so I decided to tell her about my condition just like I told Gunny.

"It's Vrolik's Syndrome." I said, watching her from the corners of my eyes. She jumped in her seat again, and tried to find something else to look at, and I chuckled at that. "No need to be nervous about it, kid. You wanted to ask, didn't you?"

After a long moment of shifting in her seat and trying to find a place to put her hands, she sighed. "I didn't mean to be rude." She said. I liked the fact that she didn't apologize. People always felt like they had to apologize to me because I was crippled. "I was going to ask if you were injured in battle, but was afraid to bring up something… Unpleasant."

"Nah, that's quite alright." I told her, and realized I was as good lying to her as I was lying to Gunny. That was not alright. Anyone else had stared at me like she did, there would have been bloodshed. Or at least a three days long list of offensive words. But apparently, I had a soft spot for little sisters. "You see, I was born with this medical condition. It's not contagious, so don't freak out. It makes my bones easy to break, so I need the crutches and leg braces to walk and, well, I have to be very careful in general."

It was hard to tell what she was thinking because of that helmet of hers, but I took her silence as a good thing. Gunny took some time to process that too, but then again, she was only six when I talked to her about it.

Thankfully, Tali was a lot faster. "That's… Impressive." She said, and I turned my head towards her, because honestly, that was not the reaction I was expecting. There was awe in her voice. "Back in the Flotilla, if a child is born with a condition like that, they hardly survive their first years, and if they do, they're not allowed to do anything the others do. I always thought it was because they were physically unable to work like everybody else, but… Look at what _you_ can do."

I felt my face heating up and pulled the brim of my hat further down, hiding under it. I didn't think I've ever got such a sincere compliment in my whole life. Not even from Gunny.

Mostly my own fault, but that was not the point.

"You fly the coolest ship I've ever seen, Joker, and you do it better than anyone. You serve under a Commander who just managed to fight her way up into the position of human Spectre. And she treats you like an equal!"

"Whoa, there. I wouldn't go that far…" Well, I guess she did indulge me when it came to my bullshit, but…

"Yes she does! I've seen how she talks to you. How she talks _about_ you. She respects you, I bet she even admire your abilities. I know I do. Where I came from, no man born with your condition would get to the position you're in right now. That's just…" She moved her hands, gesturing to the cockpit as a whole. "This is impressive."

We stared at each other for a moment, and the whole thing got awkward really quick. She sat back on her chair, her hands fidgeting over her lap, and I just… Well, I was processing it, dammit! I've been mistreated all my life, in every level, from ignored to hated, and I learned how to handle that. Admiration was… Something entirely new.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make a fuss about it…" She said, glancing around nervously. "I just… I'm really…"

"Hey, don't worry." I managed to say. "I… Uh… Thank you, Tali. Really."

She nodded, and I heard her smiling inside her helmet, and then I turned back to my console, smiling a little myself. Dammit. I was getting soft.

"Enough with this serious crap, kiddo, let's talk about something fun." I said, because, you know, comfort zones and all.

"I've been meaning to ask… Why do you call me kiddo all the time?"

I grinned, and gave her a look. "Well, kiddo, let me tell you this story about this brat I know, who's more obsessed about ships than both of us together…"

And with that, the seriousness was dismissed.

 

***

 

A couple of hours later, after I convinced Tali to go get some sleep and was already preparing myself to the trip down to the med bay, I heard Shepard's steps coming down the CIC. _Took you long enough, huh?_

As soon as she was close enough, I started talking. "I prefer gold to silver." I said, and waited for her to bite. She stood beside me, and when I looked up, she had this what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about look on her face that almost threw me off of my game. Man, to hold back that laugh was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. "You know, Commander, for my medal. I figured you'd recommend me for one since I pulled your as-- uh… Boots out of the fire. That was four and a half minutes, in case you weren't counting."

I grinned at her the most shit-eating grin I had on stock, and waited. Even the almost-slip was part of my show. I wasn't about to apologize for bitching at her about my condition, but I didn't want things to get awkward. We had a good relationship going on, and I kind of resented that she didn't come up to the cockpit right after the mission debriefing like she usually did.

And after talking to Tali… Well, maybe the failure on my last conversation with Shepard had been my fault after all.

Anyway, I just wanted to make things right again.

So, she stared at me blankly for long moment, and then she cracked, laughing loud and wholeheartedly for a second, and then covering her mouth with her hand and looking over her shoulder to the half empty CIC, afraid that someone might have heard her outburst.

Oh, yeah. I might not be the hero, I might not get the girl, but that smiling face was something nobody could take from me. I did that. That smile was mine.

Shit. That was so not the way to think about my CO…

While I kicked myself mentally for allowing such thoughts inside my head, she managed to straighten up and was looking at me with a grin that matched my own. "You sure you want that, Flyboy?" She said. Flyboy? That was new. That was… Personal. That was something else nobody could take from me. More of that and I would start getting smug.

She crossed her arms and bit the insides of her mouth. I found it amusing that she went through so much trouble just to hold her laugh, as if having a sense of humor would turn her into a bad commander or something. No, actually, the amusing part was trying to get her to crack.

"If I get you a medal, you'll end up sitting on stage, listening to a bunch of politicians making boring speeches for a couple of hours. Not to mention the Brass. Boy, they can talk." She went on, and just like that, we were back on the same page.

"Yeah, that's a good point right there. They'd probably make me shave, too." I grazed my fingers over my beard, and her grin widened a little. "I spent the last seven weeks working on this baby. No medal is worth that much."

She chuckled and went to sit on the copilot's seat where Tali was sitting not so long ago. She pulled her legs up the seat - like I've seen her do before - and against her chest, and rested her chin over her knees, staring outside the viewport with dreamy eyes.

When she did that, she looked like a little kid. Of course, I knew what she was capable of, even though she was a miniature. But when she was out of her armor, and out of her Commander mode, just sitting there with me, she was like one of those kids you see on spaceports, staring at the sky and dreaming to go out there and do amazing things. She was like… Me.

Only she was already out there, and already amazing.

"What's on your mind, Commander?" I asked, unintentionally. The words just came out before I could do anything about it, and then I had to pull the brim of my hat a little lower, to hide myself under it.

"Just thinking about how life is… Much easier when you're on autopilot. You know what I mean?"

She didn't look at me when she answered, but the fact that she answered at all took me completely by surprise. "I'm the goddamn pilot, woman. Of course I know what you mean." I said with a snort. "Flying this ship? I can do it on my sleep. Ask me to teach someone how to do it, though, and I might burst into flames."

She turned towards me and chuckled. "Right? I can do whatever crap the Council tells me to do, but if I have to _explain_ stuff to them, I'll probably just…"

"Hung up on them again?" It was my turn to chuckle, and she did the same.

"Yeah, that felt kinda good."

"I'll second that. Although you _should_ do a background check on that Asari chick. You know, just to be safe." I said with a shrug, and she rolled her eyes at me.

"I should do a background check on _everyone_ in this ship, because apparently, everyone has some back story I should be aware of. Like, did you know that Ashley is the granddaughter of the general that surrendered the Shanxi garrison?"

I turned my head at her, and started paying full attention. Scuttlebutt was my middle name. "You're shitting me."

"Am not!" She sat up straight, eyes wide, and went on. "I mean, not that it matters to me, but apparently, I should have known that. Just like I should have known about your Vrolik's. Did you know that's not on your public files? I have to request your medical files if I want to read anything about that." Huh. That explained a couple of things. And also made me feel like the biggest asshole in the galaxy. "And Wrex was a clan leader among his people. I checked, his clan is like one of the biggest Krogan clans ever. Oh, and Tali! She's the daughter of the Quarian high command!"

I blinked at her a couple of times. What the shit? "Seriously?"

"Honest to god!"

"Huh. Apparently you have a… Good eye for… Unique people. I guess." I said, for lack of better words.

"I'm telling you, if Garrus walked in here and told me he's the illegitimate son of the Turian councilor, I wouldn't even be surprised." She said, falling back into her childish position. "Don't go spreading rumors, though." She pointed her finger at me. "That's between you and me."

I gave her the fakest hurt look ever, and put a hand over my heart. "You wound me, Commander. I'll have you know I'm not sociable enough to share a _cookie_ , what to say about information. Though I may or may not use it to blackmail you in the future. Just saying."

After that, we stayed quiet, our usual kind of quiet, in which she stared at the stars through the viewport and I did my job, and everything was fine.

"Hey, Joker?" She said after a while.

"Hm?"

"I _was_ counting. You did great."


	11. Like a Krogan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's probably my favorite chap up until now. It was fun to write, it was fun to read (once I was done) and it was fun to watch my beta reader's reaction when he saw it XD  
> I hope you guys like it too =)

\- Wrex

 

( _2183 - Feros_ )

"We saw your ship." Said the human waiting for us at the docking bay. He looked like a sick pyjack waiting to die, skinny and bony, with dark circles around his eyes. He couldn't hurt a fly, or Shepard's puny pilot, for that matter, but even so, her hand went straight to her gun. She trusted no one. _Heh_. "Fai Dan wants to speak with you immediately."

We were out in this shitty piece of rock called Feros to check on this human colony that was supposedly under attack. Sheppard was mad, because her superiors kept asking her to settle their issues wherever she went, and the council kept treating her like she was stupid, and I suppose because human females, like Krogan females, would get irritated when there was nothing to shoot at for too long.

Or maybe it was just Shepard.

"I bet he does." She muttered under her breath. "And just who's Fai Dan?"

"He's our leader. He needs your help to prepare for the Geth, they'll be making another push soon. Please… Up the stairs."

"Great. The Geth hid behind the Veil for two centuries, you couldn't find one if your life depended on it. Then I go out for my Pilgrimage, and all of a sudden they're everywhere." Said the little Quarian thing standing by my side.

Funny thing about Shepard's crew: apparently, she found it perfectly reasonable to have all kinds of aliens fighting with her.

Well, I didn't mind the Quarian. She was a one hell of a fighter for someone so small and weak. I told her: "Huh. I'll tell you what: you better keep that shotgun of yours ready, kid. I have a bad feeling about this place."

Because there's nothing more accurate then a Krogan's gut feeling, and mine was even better than most, just as I finished saying that, the human in front of us got blown up.

"Oh, _come on_!" Shepard rolled her eyes and pulled her pistol as a bunch of Geth came running towards us out of hell knows where.

"Take cover!" The Turian, standing one step ahead of us, yelled with his C-Sec-Officer voice, and I snorted. Now _him_ I minded.

I shoved him into his beloved cover and charged towards the closest Geth, growling like mad, while the thing emptied a thermal clip on my shields. The damn machines don't feel fear, or anything at all, but that didn't matter. A Krogan never goes to battle quietly.

I rammed it down and it blew into a thousand pieces, splashing that stinky white fluid everywhere. I turned around just in time to see Shepard ducking behind a crate as a missile passed flying over her head.

"Now that's fun!" I bellowed, pointing my shotgun at the Geth with the RPG. At the same time, the Quarian came running towards me, pressing buttons at her omnitool. She hid behind me, and the next thing I knew, the shields of all the Geth were down.

I laughed and started shooting, and so did she. Half of them were down when both our guns overheated, and she dove for cover at the same time I reached out for my rifle.

Before I could get it, though, another Geth pointed a goddamn RPG at me, and I barely had time to dodge before the missile exploded next to me, taking down half of my shields. I was ready to charge towards it, when a bullet blew its head and it fell down cold. Well, colder, since the damn thing was cold to begin with. Over my shoulder, I saw the Turian, still behind his cover, with a sniper rifle drawn and ready. He shot, and another Geth fell not too far away.

_Heh_. That was turning out to be a great day.

Shepard sprinted out of cover, pistol in hand, growling at the Geth herself, and shooting until her gun overheated. Then she jumped and shoved both her feet in the middle of the chest of the closest Geth. They both went down, and she was up again one second later, with her rifle ready, and started shooting again.

Ten seconds later, we had cleaned the docking area.

We stood by the stairs, me and the Quarian by the left wall, Shepard by the right wall, and the Turian behind a crate, as we replaced thermal clips, adjusted heat sinks, and prepared for the next round.

"My sensors are off." He said, using the scope of his sniper to scout ahead. "And I don't have any visual at all."

"They're jamming comm and location scanners." The Quarian kneeled down and started working on her omnitool again. "I can't get a lock on them, but they have to be in a thirty five feet radius from us."

"Meaning they're waiting to drop on us as soon as we turn over the first set of stairs." Shepard put her assault rifle away and took her sniper instead. You have to admire a female that knows her way around the guns. "Alright, Garrus, Wrex, you go first. Be ready. Tali, you go right after them, and be ready to overload some shields. Keep an eye out for drones, everybody. I'll be covering you."

"You sure you don't want me to cover the rear?" The Turian asked. "I can…"

"You're a great shot, Garrus." She cut in. "But you're slow. They're in a better position already, we can't give them any other advantages. You go up front, push them back, and when we're in a better position, I'll switch with you."

He nodded in acceptance, and I laughed, muttering a couple of unfriendly words on my native language. That earned me a stern look from Shepard - though I wasn't sure if she understood what I said, or just caught the general idea - that felt a little too familiar. Was that woman half Krogan?

"Play nice, you all. We're all on the same side here. No racial bullshit allowed." She used her commanding voice on me, and I thought about giving her the answer I give to everyone that tries to _command_ me, but it took me one look at her face to change my mind. She was looking at the top of the stairs, eyes like a maniac's, and the energy around her was compelling. _Screw the Turian, let's kick some Geth ass back into oblivion_. "Everybody ready?" She asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "Go!"

I stepped into the hall and went to the stairs, the Turian half a step behind me. The Quarian joined us shortly after, and as we turned around the corner of the first set of stairs and found not even a single Geth, she shouted: "Watch out! Geth Stalker!" She pointed at something above me, but I wasn't paying attention anymore. There was a red mark painted on my chest plate.

Before I could react, the Turian closed his talons around the neck stripe of my armor and yanked me away from the laser. The gunshot came a second later, and the place where I was standing before had a now a big hole on the ground. I looked at him, and he looked at me, and we both looked up at the squishy Geth thing bouncing around the walls. We grunted, pointed our rifles at it and started shooting.

We put down the first squishy thing quickly, and Shepard shot down the second before we could even locate it. Grabbing cover behind a pillar, the Quarian started working at their shields, just as a couple of drones started hovering over our heads and a few RPGs came into scene.

Shepard put the first Geth with an RPG down, and moved closer to us for a better visual. That's what made her a better shot than the Turian: even with a sniper rifle in hand, she could move around, change positions and improvise her next move faster then he could change a thermal clip.

Quarian girl blew the Geth's shields and started shooting at them herself. We put down the damn drones first, as Shepard took care of the goddamn RPGs, and about twenty Geth later, we finally reached the top of the stairs.

Where the human colonists started shooting at us.

"Hold your fire, god dammit!" Shepard bellowed, her voice doing the funny thing it did when she got mad, a sort of thunder-like effect that made her sound even more like a Krogan female. _Heh_. _Heh-heh_.

When the humans realized who she was, they stopped shooting and opened space for her to pass. As we followed her in, she gave us a quick look over the shoulder, and I could tell she was having the same gut feeling I did.

"This place feels kinda off." She said, only loud enough for us to hear. "Wrex, Tali, I want you guys to take a look around, see what you can find. Garrus, you come with me. Let's pay this Fai Dan guy a visit."

And with that, she walked away with the Turian, leaving me and the Quarian to check the place out.

"Like I said." I mumbled to myself, looking around. "Bad feeling."

 

***

 

"This place stinks." I told Shepard, once we finished cleaning off the tunnels. The damn colony was crawling with Geth, it was actually surprising that those humans managed to survive for so long. "The Geth are swarming around this place, I doubt it's a coincidence."

"Yeah, something is off." She opened a crate and looked inside, then tossed me a shiny, brand new and fully upgraded version of my shotgun, which I discarded right away for the new one. She threw another one, identical to mine, to the Quarian girl - Tali, she kept insisting for me to call her by name, and since she survived that long, I was starting to consider it. The girl made a happy noise, and I swallowed a chuckle. What an odd bunch we were. _Heh_. "Did you see the colonists?" Shepard went on, still fussing inside the crate. "They all say the exact same things about this place, over and over, like it was rehearsed. They're hiding something."

"What about that nutjob we just saw, talking about _the master's whip_ and screaming whenever he was about to say something reasonable? What the hell was that all about?" The Qua-- Tali said, checking the thermal clip on her new toy.

"This place is bad news, Shepard. Let's hurry up and get the hell out of here." The Turian was pacing up and down, looking over his shoulder all the time. He, too, was having a gut feeling.

"Alright." She abandoned the crate and looked at us. "Next is… The varren. Tali, any luck?"

"Yeah, my scanners barely work in here, but I got some movement behind a door over that way. That should be it."

"Alright, let's move then."

She led us back down the hallway, looking over her shoulder only once, when we passed the nutjob. He didn't even look our way, but she had her hand over the pistol again, just in case.

"Trust issues, Shepard?" I joked, and she gave me a half smile.

"I know you have my back." She said, and I knew she meant it. "I'm just making sure to have yours too."

I gave her one nod, and that was it.

"So, what exactly is a varren?" Tali asked.

I laughed. "Puppies bred on Tuchanka." I told her. "Lovely vicious things, will rip off your throat faster than you can say _varren roast_."

"Great." She sighed, shaking her head. Her determination didn't wave, though.

"So what's your advice, Wrex?" The Turian asked me, and I gave him a look.

"Don't get bitten."

When we walked into the place, we realized it wasn't just the alpha varren we were up against. The beast had grown a massive pack, and they were all ready to jump our throats as soon as they saw us.

"That's… A lot of varren." Shepard mumbled, reaching for her rifle instead of the pistol. And that small movement was enough.

Suddenly, all the varren were jumping on us.

Tali ran towards an overturned vehicle nearby as if her suit was on fire. She hopped on top of it and started shooting, even hitting the beasts that pounced at her with the shotgun sometimes. The Turian went after her, for backup. Shepard and I were rolling around, part shooting and part kicking the little sons of bitches in the guts. They would growl at us, and we would growl right back.

At some point, I looked over towards Shepard and saw a minimal smile in her face, the mark that despite the danger, she was having her fun. She would hide that later, and pretend to be the sober Commander she was expected to be, but I knew better. Like us Krogan, there was one thing she was good at, and like us Krogan, she'd do it proudly.

It was her nature. It was instinct.

When half of the varren were already down, the alpha came charging towards her. She shot it twice and rolled over to avoid its bite, and looked over to the other two, and then at me. "Go back them up!" She yelled at me. "I've got this!"

And she did.

I turned to the other two to find Tali still on top of the vehicle, struggling with one of them, and the Turian pinned to the ground with a varren chewing on his arm. The damn fool. Didn't I tell him _not to get bitten_?

I charged towards them, running over a bunch of varren on the way, and grabbed the beast by the jaw, forcing it opened. "Get… The fuck… Off!" I said, and warped an arm around its neck, holding until the damn thing stopped moving. Then I threw it against another varren, and pulled the Turian up. "What did I tell you? Vicious things."

We stood back to back, me with my shotgun and him with his rifle, and Tali covering us from her slightly higher ground, and we all started shooting at once. Soon, we were standing on top of pile of dead varren. There was only one left.

Shepard was crouched in a way that made her look like a beast herself, staring at the alpha with hunger. She had no guns in hand, but was holding a rustic, clearly old and very dented hunting knife, made of some sort of darkened steel, the kind of thing that hadn't been seen in combats for centuries. I had no idea where the hell that thing came from, but somehow, it fitted her as well as any other weapon.

Her face was a little torn in one side, the blood was dripping slowly, but she showed no fear, no pain. Her eyes were wide, bloodshot, pupils dilated, and she smelled like danger, like something you think is pray, but is actually a predator, and is about to bite your head off.

I could smell it. The Turian could too, I knew because of the way his mandibles were twitching. Tali couldn't, so she looked at us and said, with a nervous voice: "Shouldn't we…"

"No." The Turian spoke at the same time I did, but he was the one to finish. "She's got this."

And she did.

 

***

 

"Wait, hang on." Shepard said, tapping a few buttons on yet another terminal, and looked over towards Tali. "Try it now."

We were on the top level of ExoGeni headquarters, trying to knock a Geth ship off of the wall. The damn thing was halfway inside the building, through the door to the shuttle bay, attached to the wall by some sort of claws that were really hard to blow off.

So Shepard decided to drop the shuttle bay door on it and see what happens.

On her command, Tali pressed a few buttons herself, and the door dropped closed so fast that the claw creaked, and then started to bend, until it exploded into a million pieces and the whole ship fell down through the side of the tower, making a lot of noise.

"Finally!" Tali threw her arms up. "That should get the field barring the exit down. Now we can go deal with this Thorian thing and then get the hell out of here. I'm done with this place already."

Truth be told, I was kind of done too. Killing Geth, and varren, and Krogan mercs, and whoever the hell dared to cross our path, was fun, but this Thorian thing was just too fucked up.

Back in the colony, we cleared their tunnels, we fixed their water supplies, we killed the varren for them, we even found them new power cells to restore power, but all along we had this feeling like something was really off. So we headed out to the ExoGeni facilities, just to find out that the researchers had not just abandoned the colonists to fend for themselves when the attack started, but that they also submitted the whole colony to this sick experiment, with a plant-like creature controlling their minds while a bunch of scientists just watched and took notes.

That was just wrong.

Shepard was so mad when she found out, that I thought she was gonna shoot the VI with a shotgun, but she bit it down, cursed a little, and then moved on. But she was pissed alright. I could tell.

"I hope that ship was full of those Geth bastards." Garrus, the obnoxious but not completely useless Turian, said, leaning against the wall and taking a deep breath.

"Yeah, but let's keep our guards up." Shepard turned around and started moving towards the stairs again. "I bet there's still a bunch of them in here."

As we started to go after her, our radios started beeping all at once, and after some static, the pilot's voice came in through the comm. "I repeat, Normandy to shore party. Are you reading? Anyone there?" His voice was a little desperate, and Shepard stopped abruptly to the sound of it, her head turning instinctively towards the general direction of the ship. "Normandy to shore party!" He went on, his voice rising a little. "Come on, Commander, talk to me!"

"Joker?" She said, all her body tensing up at once. "I'm here, what's going on?"

"Thank fuck!" He said under his breath, and I chuckled. He was puny, but was one hell of a funny bastard. _Heh_. "We're on lockdown here, Commander. Something happened to the colonists, they're… They're banging on the hull, trying to claw their way inside the ship… They're freaking out!" He said, panicked, and Shepard paced up and down a little, one hand on her earpiece, and another resting on her pistol.

Actually, _resting_ wasn't really the word.

"Can they do any real damage?" She asked, making an effort to keep her voice as calm as possible. Veins were pulsing on her neck and forehead, and she had this frown on her face, like she was about to kill something just for the hell of it.

"Not with their bare hands, no…" He said, and hesitated a little. "But there's something off about them."

He didn't say more, and she didn't ask. None of us did, but we were all imagining the same thing. This Thorian-something knew we were coming.

"Just hold your position, we're on our way back. If shit gets out of hand, you take the Normandy to orbit and wait for instructions." She ordered, and started to move out again, but his answer to that stopped her one step later.

"Negative, Commander." He said, simply, with his bored voice. _Heh_. For someone as weak as he was, that kid had some guts, I'll tell you that. "We won't leave without you. If shit gets out of hand, Alenko, Williams and Doctor T'Soni are going outside to see what they can do."

"That's…" She started, making that wild thing with her voice again, but he cut her right away, and I laughed loudly, earning myself a killer look from her.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I don't think _I_ can stop them."

"Just keep them in." She said, after the long pause she took to control her temper. "I'm on my way."

We all started moving towards the stairs again, Garrus and Tali ahead, and Shepard one step behind me, and I heard as she muttered to the pilot, through direct comm: "And you're lucky you're too good of a pilot for me to kill you, because _I swear to god_ …"

I chucked to myself. Krogan or human, females were always females. Word around the ship was that Shepard was set on taking that Alenko human as her man, but my gut and her behavior were telling me another thing. She was much more real around the pilot, and he was… Well, not worthy of her, but then again, nobody I knew was. Only Shepard was worthy of Shepard.

At least, the pilot knew what he was good at, and did it proudly and fearlessly. Alenko was just downright common, and weak even at his strongest traits.

Go figure.

 

***

 

As we went back to the skyway weigh station, we caught some radio chatter through the comm and realized things were bad there. It didn't take long to figure out why. According to the human representative of ExoGeni, Jeong something, once we got rid of the Geth ship, communications went back on, and the high command in ExoGeni corporations decided they wanted the colony purged. He was freaking out because he feared Shepard would be a problem on that matter.

The fact that we knew about the Thorian didn't make him any happier.

Shepard tried to reason with him for the total amount of five seconds. She told him to calm down, only to hear him say that "Nobody is going to miss a few colonists!" That was enough to piss her off.

She narrowed her eyes at him, then took a deep breath and cracked her neck. Her hand went to rest on top of her pistol as she stepped closer. Suddenly, she was giving off that maniac energy again, and everyone in the room could feel it.

"Jeong, listen to me." She said, and suddenly, she was on his face, voice very low and threatening. "I'll kill you first, you hear me? You've gone way too far. This ends now."

She spat every word on his face, and anyone on his position would be terrified, but all the fool did was laugh nervously. "If that's the way it has to be, then come on!" He said, and pointed a pistol at her.

To her credit, Shepard held it together longer than any Krogan could ever have. But when that gun went to her face, we all knew he was a dead man.

She shot him once, just one shot between the eyes, and he went down like an empty sack. She let out a slow, calming breath, and stared at everyone else in the room. The soldiers reached out for their guns, but if her eyes didn't scare them to death, then _our_ guns did.

"As if we don't have enough problems, now we're shooting each other in the back!" Said the older woman, Juliana something, but Shepard cut her out.

"Can it, lady." She said, harsh enough that the woman took a step back. "Now, pay attention. I'm gonna go down there and kill that Thorian thing. Is there a way to neutralize the colonists without killing them?"

The woman didn't answer but her daughter did. "Take this." She handled Shepard a capsule of what looked like an explosive upgrade. "It's an insecticide we use at the labs. It has a neurotoxin that should neutralize the colonists without causing any harm."

"I might be able to adapt a concussion grenade to deploy it." Tali said, putting her shotgun away and taking the upgrade from Shepard.

"Sounds good enough. Now you all just bunk down and wait. It will be over soon."

She turned around and walked away, and I followed her, leaving the other two a little behind. They didn't get it, but I did.

"It's infuriating, isn't it?" I said, as we got near the Mako. I placed a hand over her shoulder and turned her around to face me. Her eyes were bloodshot again, and she looked furious. Tiny, but furious. "When our people keep making stupid mistakes?"

She chuckled, a low and humorless sound like no other, and nodded at me. "You know, Wrex, I grew up around people like that. Unscrupulous sons of bitches that would do anything for profit. They would do terrible things to me, to kids like me, but at least, I was myself all along. These people…" She shook her head, and the fury on her face was a living thing.

"You know, Shepard, I'm gonna say this because so far you have managed to earn a little bit of my respect, so pay attention." I said, looking over my shoulder. The other two were still too far to hear. "Being a mercenary, I learned that if you can't fix your own problems, you go fix someone else's. At least like that you're doing something useful with the air you breathe. That said, we should be going down to that colony to blow up whatever that Thorian thing is. How about that?"

She smiled at that, not a great smile, but enough to get her head out of whatever she was thinking about. I figured, taking that humans weren't exactly the hottest fighters in the galaxy, that someone as small and fragile as Shepard had to be somewhat fucked up to be as strong as she was.

I knew she was an orphan, born on earth and left to fend for herself on the streets of some big city. I knew she ran with gangs, and had a long criminal record, and I knew she joined the military as soon as she was old enough. I knew she could fight like a Krogan, and was fearless, relentless, and a death machine. Other than that, I knew nothing.

And it didn't matter, really. She was a good fight, whether you were fighting with or against her. And that was all I needed to know.

"Are you growing soft on me, Wrex?" She asked, and I knew she was back.

"Heh. I should shoot you right now, just to make a point."

"But that would be no fun at all."

"Exactly." I chuckled, and looked over my shoulder again. "Hurry up, lazy asses! I'm driving this time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually I write a lot during weekends, but I had some shopping to do, and a lot of thing to work through, and now I'm finally having a break and I'm just too tired.  
> I told my friend Rosie what I had planned for Joker and Shepard, and she's now bugging me ALL THE TIME to keep writing, but I'm taking my time.  
> I already started the next chap, but I think it's gonna take me some time. Sorry about that. Just so you know, There's gonna be a Joker/Shepard moment in it, and it's gonna be cute. Sloooooow, but cute. =3


	12. It's okay to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo sorry it took me forever to finish this!  
> I had a busy week, and a lot of stuff to do, and almost no time to write at all.  
> But here we are! I hope you guys enjoy!

\- Alessa Shepard

 

( _2183 - Feros_ )

Whatever those things were, they weren't human anymore.

We managed to neutralize the colonists, we managed to get into the tunnels that leaded to the Thorian, and in there, we found a handful of those disgusting creatures.

"Fucking zombies!" I muttered, shaking off the green slime that came off of one of them once I blew its head. It was burning my skin a little where it splashed on me, so on top of gross, it was also toxic.

"Well, those things can't possibly be human." Garrus stated. "I mean, no infection could mutate someone to that level."

"Whatever they are, just aim for the head." I said, and a smile tugged on my lips. _Fucking zombies!_ I watched trash horror vids about that my whole childhood, breaking into movie theaters and stealing old discs from second hand shops. And there I was, _shooting zombies in the head_. _Ha_! "Oh, and don't let that green blood or whatever get on you. It's kinda toxic."

Tali made a disgusted noise, and stepped back, partially hiding behind Wrex. For such different people, Wrex and Tali got along quite well. He played the mean, hard-ass act, but through our journey together, I came to learn that he was actually very reasonable, reliable and kind of sweet, you know, under that tough façade of his. And Tali was far tougher than she looked, so he kinda liked that on her.

Garrus, on the other hand, was having a harder time fitting in with the others. It wasn't completely his fault, though. He grew up learning the ways of the Turian people, so he was arrogant, and acted like he was above all the other species, but it wasn't like _he_ thought he was particularly better than anyone. He just learned that Turians were better than everybody else, and that kinda ruined his social skills.

But even so, battle got them all to work together, and they were great. _Really_ great.

"Come on, guys, let's move." I said, and went on through another long hallway, with my gun ready, just in case another of those Thorian zombies came up.

"Alright, it's a simple task." Tali said, as we moved into a larger hall, tampering with her omnitool. "We just need to find this creature, determine what it…" She trailed off, looking up as we all did.

Oh, finding the Thorian was simple alright.

It was just hanging there, in the middle of the structure, attached to the walls by roots the size of thresher maws. It was several stories tall, and proportionally broad, and had more eyes - or at least I thought those were eyes - than a Batarian, not to mention those disgusting tentacle-like things hanging out of its… Mouth?

God, the thing was disgusting. It pulsed, and leaked, and smelled like mold, and made me wanna throw up.

" _Keelah_ …" Tali muttered, her voice something in between shocked and disgusted. "What _is_ that?"

"We're gonna need bigger guns." I muttered, suddenly feeling like my shotgun was not that much of a deal right then.

 

***

 

It took us almost an hour to shoot down all six nodules on the roots keeping the Thorian attached to the walls, plus the seven or so Asari clones - because yeah, the goddamn thing spat _green_ Asari clones at us, and those bitches would try to tear us apart every time - and the hundreds or so of those fucking Thorian zombies.

When it was over, the whole thing went down into the pit, almost taking the building with it, and Wrex walked to the edge of the level we were in and dropped all his incendiary grenades after it. "Better safe than sorry."

I let out a long, exhausted breath, resting a hand on my hip and cracking my neck a couple of times. Tali crutched down, moaning a little, and Wrex and Garrus leaned against the wall. At that point, we were all sweaty, sticky, smelly, covered with that disgusting green slime, and tired as fuck. Man, what a terrible day.

Before we had enough time to catch our breaths, I heard this disgusting sound coming from somewhere behind us, and there we were, back up again, pointing guns and shit. We turned around right in time to see another Asari climbing out of a cocoon in the wall. I was gonna be the first one to shoot, but then I realized she was purple-ish. You know, kinda blue, like Asaris are supposed to be.

I raised my hand to get everyone to hold fire, as she made a little effort to get back on her feet. She seemed a little baffled, very disorientated, and slightly confused.

"I'm… Free. Right?" She said, but I couldn't tell if she was asking me, herself, or the universe. She looked around, and then at me, and then at everyone else, and then around again. I raised an eyebrow, and was about to ask just who the hell was she when she suddenly spoke again. "I… I suppose I should thank you for… Releasing me…" She said, rubbing her eyes.

"Is everything alright? Are you hurt or something?" I asked, and damn, my voice sounded kinda alien to me, tired, like I was out for too long. But then, the last time I checked, we were already on Feros for over eight hours. And that was before we even got back to Zhu's Hope.

"I am… Fine." She said, absently. "Or I'll be… In time."

"Alright. Then who the hell are you?" I asked, because it didn't seem to me like she was about to keep going.

"Oh. My name is Shiala. I serve… _Served_ Matriarch Benezia." She made a pause, as if recollecting her thoughts, and then she went on. "When she allied herself with Saren, so did I." I sensed Garrus and Wrex tensing right beside me, but I held my hand up. We were going to listen. "She… She foresaw the influence Saren would have, and joined him to guide down a gentler path… But Saren was… Compelling… Benezia lost her way…"

"He convinced her?" Tali asked, incredulous. I couldn't blame her. An Asari Matriarch couldn't possibly be that easy to convince.

"No. He made her." Was her answer.

Both my eyebrows went up, and Wrex snorted. "Made her?" I repeated. "Are you saying Saren can control minds?" I said, being obviously sarcastic. But of course, Asari aren't great at sarcasm.

"Not quite." She said, blankly. "You see, Benezia underestimated Saren, and so did I. We came to… Believe… In his cause and his goals. The strength of his influence  is troubling."

"So he convinced her." Tali repeated. "She tried to manipulate him, and the plan backfired."

"No, no, I'm not buying this." I said, and Shiala gave me a funny look. The same kind of look Liara would give me sometimes, which was kinda creepy. "Asari Matriarchs are among the most intelligent and powerful beings in the galaxy. How come she fell under Saren's control?"

There was a beat of silence before she spoke again, and her voice was suddenly distant, like she was trying to remember something, and the effort was taking all of her back in time. "Saren has a vessel." She started, and pressed her temple a little, squinting with the effort she was making. "An enormous warship unlike anything I've ever seen. He calls it… Sovereign. It can… Dominate the mind of his followers."

There was another moment of silence, longer this time. I couldn't see their faces, but Wrex and Garrus tensed up even more, and Tali gripped her shotgun with the strength of her own life. I knew why. Somehow, what Shiala was saying… Made sense. Perfectly. It was ridiculous, but it did.

"They become indoctrinated to Saren's will." She went on. "The process is subtle. It can take days… Weeks… But in the end… It is absolute. I was a willing slave when Saren brought me here. He needed my biotics to communicate with the Thorian and learn its secrets, so he offered me in trade." She looked down for a moment, before continuing "I was sacrificed to secure their alliance."

"Figures." Tali muttered, and I nodded.

"Saren has been pretty quick to betray his people." I said with a nod, and she nodded back.

"He was quick to betray the Thorian, too. Once he had what he wanted, he ordered the Geth to destroy all evidence of its existence. He knows you are searching for the Conduit. He knows you are following his steps. He attacked the Thorian so that you could not gain the Cipher."

"The what?"

"The Cipher. The beacon in Eden Prime gave him visions, but the visions were unclear, confusing. They were meant for Prothean minds. To truly comprehend them, one must think like a Prothean, understand their culture, their history, their very existence." I rolled my eyes at that. _Are you fucking kidding me?_ How much more absurd could this goddamn mission get? "Now, the Thorian was here long before the Protheans built this city. It watched and studied them, and when they died, it consumed them. They became part of it."

She made a long pause, and I rolled my eyes again. Why couldn't people just be concise? I mean, I could handle that bullshit in a normal day, but I was growing tired by the second there, and the way she was talking wasn't helping at all. "Go on." I encouraged her, trying not to lose my shit. Wrex had his eyes on me, I could feel it, and I knew he was waiting for me to blow. He'd probably find that funny.

"Well, the Cipher is the very essence of being Prothean. It cannot be described or explained, it would be like describing a color to a creature without eyes. To understand, you must have access to endemic ancestral memory, a viewpoint spanning thousands of Prothean generations." She smiled at that. "When I melded with the Thorian, I sensed this ancestral memory. Our identities merged, our minds intertwined… Such knowledge… It cannot be taught, it simply exists."

So, the key to track Saren down was some sort of memory that was trapped inside the Thorian. Which was probably still burning in the bottom of the pit we dropped it in. Well, fuck.

"That’s… Ugh. Dammit." I muttered, trying my hardest not to kick the floor or something. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Wrex staring at me with narrowed eyes and a corner of his mouth tugged up. I narrowed my eyes back at him, and took a deep breath, looking at Shiala. "I need that knowledge to stop Saren."

She nodded, and gave me the funny Asari look once again. _Don't roll you eyes. Do not roll your eyes._ "There is a way." She said, finally. "I can transfer the knowledge from my mind to yours, as I did with Saren."

 _Are you fucking with me? Why didn't you say that from the beginning?!_ "Do it, then." I took a step forward.

She approached me, and the funny look started to get awkward, but I wasn't about to complain. All I wanted to do was go back to my ship and sleep for a whole week. "Try to relax, Commander. Take slow, deep breaths. Let go of your physical shell. Reach out to the threads that bind us, one to another." _Oh my god, shut up and do it already!_

She kept talking, but I blocked her out, taking a deep breath and trying to relax. I closed my eyes and thought of this bar I used to go to back on earth, where they played blues all year long. I thought of this theatre I used to sneak into, where they played black and white movies during matinee every Sunday.

Life wasn't always so bad. People weren't always screwed up. Sometimes, it was okay to let go. And while in that line of thought, the next thing to pop in my head was Joker.

I wasn't expecting that.

My eyes popped open, just in time to see Shiala's eyes turning black, as she said "Embrace eternity!"

Then everything got dark, and a nightmare begun.

 

\- Joker.

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

I wasn't looking when they came back in, like I usually am. I was still panicking a little about the whole zombie-colonists thing, freaked out that they were actually trying to get inside the ship, and even more freaked out that Shepard was out there with not only those freaks, but also a whole bunch of Geth trying to kill her.

The fact that Kaidan was pacing up and down right behind me wasn't helping.

So I was doing what I do best when I'm anxious, what I do naturally: I ran diagnosis. I checked the hull for small breaches, and the integrity of our shields, then I checked life support, and made a thousand checks to make sure no infection - since I had no freaking idea what the hell could have turned the colonists into a freak show - had made it through the vents. Next, I notified doctor Chakwas on the possibility of an infection, and that she should be ready for it, all while keeping track of the ground team, making sure all vitals were green, and then I did it all over again, keeping myself busy.

So when they came in, I didn't hear the VI announcing their return. I was only vaguely aware of Tali's filtered voice saying something about the med bay, and some sort of agreement from Garrus, and then the heavy Krogan footsteps. It was Kaidan's voice that snapped me back to reality as he called out for her.

"Commander!" He said, and I was suddenly aware of the commotion around the airlock. "Thank god you're alright! We wanted to go out there and help, but Joker wouldn't let us…"

"You look pale, Shepard. Is everything alright?" Asari chick Liara, who was also crowding the cockpit, only she wasn't pacing, just sitting awfully quiet and starring at me, said.

"What the _heck_ is that green stuff all over you?" Ashley's voice was almost amused, and I secretly thanked her for being a normal person, and not being head over heels for the Commanding Officer.

"It's not toxic. Not anymore anyways. Guys, let's not crowd the airlock, okay?" Shepard said, and she sounded awfully tired, like she hadn't slept in ages. "I'll explain everything in the comm room, so how about we head there?"

At this point, I turned my chair around and looked at her. To the casual observer, it would appear that she was alright. She was standing tall, helmet in hand, hair all sweaty and sticking to her face and neck, her armor covered in some sort of green stuff, that was most definitely harmless since she went through decontamination, and looked dry enough not to drip all over the floor, but was still positively disgusting.

But you see, I was _not_ a casual observer.

I couldn't fully see her face yet, but I noticed her shoulders were a little lower, just a tiny bit, almost unnoticeable, but I knew, I've watched her enough to be able to tell the difference. She was burnt and scratched in several places, and since she was still wearing full armor, I knew it was far worse than it looked. And she was paler, as Liara pointed out, but not the kind of paler you get from being injured. She looked like she'd seen a ghost.

Wrex was kinda hovering around her, orbiting her, almost in a protective way. He was watching her carefully, certainly seeing the same things I was seeing, and I watched him too for a little while, until he looked at me, from over her shoulder, and gave me this knowing look.

It shocked me at first. I hadn't talked to Wrex directly. There had been a few interactions in the mess hall, in which I'd be snapping at someone and he would snort loudly, and I'd never be sure if he was amused or just thinking we were all ridiculous and he should kill us all, but aside from that, we never talked, or looked at each other, or _anything at all_ , really, so yeah, the knowing look got me by surprise.

But then I understood what he meant with that look. He knew I was watching her, and he knew she wasn't fooling me, as much as she wasn't fooling him. And there was something like… Like a silent agreement. Like he was supposed to watch out for her out there, but inside the ship, that was my job, and like that we could keep all the bases covered.

 _Or_ I could just be reading too much into it.

That's what I was going for, until he gave me this tiny nod, narrowing his eyes at me, and then there was no mistaking it. Instinctively, more than anything else, I nodded back, and that was it. I had just made a deal with a Krogan to look after my Commanding Officer. Man, that crew was _fucking_ _weird_.

Surprisingly, Shepard was still sharp enough to catch the exchanged, or at least Wrex's side of it, and that got her to turn on her heels and stare right at me.

"What _the fuck_ happened to your face?!" I blurted out without thinking. She had a whole set of deep cuts on her face, starting at her ear and ending near her lips, fresh and still bleeding, and hell, it looked awful.

That comment could have waited, though. Suddenly, everyone was looking at me, Kaidan making a face like he could kill me there and then, and I went to pull the brim of my hat a little lower, but the smile she gave me stopped my hand. It was a full smile, showing her white and perfectly aligned teeth, making her eyes sparkle, and her cheeks - or at least the one that wasn't all shredded - went a little pink as she answered.

"Varren fight." She said simply, but there was this awe in her voice, this untamed excitement slipping trough her façade, not to mention the smile itself, the kind of smile she'd never given me before, that made me realize just how tired she was.

Her commanding filter was off.

Right after noticing it, I also noticed how glad I was that everybody else was already headed to the CIC, so that I was the only one seeing that smile.

_Fuck. Me._

I lifted an eyebrow at her. "Well, you look like shit." I said, honestly, but not all that honestly, because she also looked surprisingly _pretty_. Pretty enough that I actually allowed myself to think of her as pretty, something I've never done before. She looked free, and there was something fascinating about that.

She nodded in some sort of funny agreement, and her smile grew wider before she caught herself and made an effort to tame it down. It was hard for her at that moment, and she gave me a sheepish look when she realized I was watching her struggle.

"I'll be right back." She said, before turning around and herding everybody to the comm room.

It was a promise.

 

***

 

There was a long, excruciating talk about the Cipher, and what it was, and what it meant, and how it could help, and how Shepard was feeling about it.

Honestly, all I could think about was _why the hell_ would she let a random person inside her head, messing up her thoughts, and worse, why would she let _Liara_ , of all people, do the same thing in order to clarify things.

I was downright worried, and the fact that I had to be on the cockpit, spying on the whole thing without having an actual say on it, didn't make things any better.

After the whole _Embrace Eternity_ thing, there was a long, awkward moment in which Liara kept complimenting Shepard's… Mind. Then there was another never ending talk, that led no absolutely nothing, and finally, she called the meeting off.

"I've sent off the Feros report, Commander." I informed, once she was alone in the room. "You want me to patch you through to the Council?"

"Go ahead, Joker." She said with a sigh, and I almost felt sorry for her. She was beat, she needed rest, and I wanted to give her that, but that damn mission - and Council protocols - had us working around the clock.

"Setting up the link now, commander."

"Commander." Came the voice of the Asari Councilor. "ExoGeni should have told us about the Thorian. It would have made your job a lot easier."

 _Yeah, no shit_.

"You might have been able to capture it for study instead of destroying it." Said the Salarian.

_Wow. Seriously?_

"Are you serious?" She asked, and I winced. _Yep, definitely no filter_. "That thing liked to enslave minds. How well do you think that study would go?"

"Perhaps is for the best." The Asari councilor came again, with her diplomatic voice and diplomatic words. "At least the colony was saved."

"Of course it was saved!" The Turian councilor cut in, and I winced again. _That's not gonna end well_. "Shepard would go to any lengths to help a human colony!"

There was a lot of bite in his words, and Shepard stayed quiet for a long moment, before sighing heavy and tiredly.

"Joker." She grunted, and I took the hint.

"Ops!" I said, faking exasperation, after hitting the _disconnect_ button. "Lost the connection, Ma'am. Sorry." She chuckled at that, and I smiled to myself. "Hey, Shepard, go get some rest, okay? Doc's been waiting for you at the med bay. She might be able to fix that disaster on your face."

"Don't babysit me, Flyboy." She smiled her words out, in this sort of soft-lazy way, and I enjoyed the sound of it way too much. "I'm alright."

"I'm sure you are. But if you don't get your ass down there, you're never gonna hear the end of it. Trust me, _I know_. That woman is impossible."

She chuckled at that, and finally agreed. "Alright. I'll be right there."

 

***

 

Forty minutes later, when we were out of Feros, nicely docked at a Fuel Port having our supplies restocked, and half of the servicemen were out stretching their legs, she came back up and walked straight into the cockpit.

It took me a while to notice, because I was really focused on my readouts - hell knows I wouldn't trust a Fuel Port's crew with a chopstick, what to say of a whole supply station. When I finally heard her, she was almost by my side already.

"Ah, Hey, commander." I said, as she stood beside me and gave me her _what-now_ look. I glanced over her just long enough to see that she looked a lot better. Her wounds were treated and almost gone, except for the tiny white scars still lingering in her face. Her hair was clean, and looked kinda soft, and she wasn't wearing armor anymore. She still looked damn tired, though. "So, uh, next time we touch down, let's try not to park the ship in a colony of mutant zombies, okay? Just thinking out loud here."

She dramatically rolled her eyes at me, and tugged a stray lock of red hair behind her ear. "Yeah, like they have a sign for that kinda shit." _Whoa._ Apparently, her commanding filter hadn't kicked back in just yet.

I chuckled at that remark, and she leaned against my seat, and we fell into that comfortable silence again. Only this time I couldn't concentrate on the readouts at all. Her fingers were taping the back of my chair, just above my shoulder, and the fresh smell of her hair was carrying all the way down to me. So instead of staying quiet, I found myself starting a conversation.

"So, how come Doc didn't tie you to a bed?" I asked, and she chuckled.

"She probably likes your company better than mine." Was her answer. "She gave me one hell of a lecture, though, about letting random strangers poke into my brain."

"Yeah, about that…"

"Can it, Flyboy. I'm still pissed at you for ignoring a direct order from your Commanding Officer."

I snorted and gave her a look.  It was something I hardly did, you know, raise my head and stare people in the eye, but to hell with it. "Seriously?" I said, my words coming out on fire. "You're mad at me because I refused to abandon you to die on that fucked up piece of rock? Well, go ahead then. Be pissed. Throw something at me. I don't even care. You see, where I came from, there are only two ways of doing things: we either stick together and figure shit out or we don't do it at all. I'm not jut about to leave crew behind when there's another way to do things."

She was taken aback by my sudden outburst, and she looked pretty much like Captain Anderson when I did the same thing to him, but I didn't care, really. She had her filter off, so I was gonna get mine off as well. She was gonna be honest and throw shit at me, so I was gonna throw shit right back at her.

After a long, silent stare off contest, she rolled her eyes and muttered: "I wasn't gonna die."

"Yeah, yeah, big bad Commander Shepard had it all figured." I rolled my eyes at her, and turned back to my console, moving my hands aimlessly through the screens, just to avoid her eyes. She'd given in on me. Boy, that felt good. "We had your back either way. That's our job, remember?"

"Fuck you." She said, with no bite at all, and I glanced over her, just to see a pout forming on her lips. I couldn't hold back a laugh.

"Man, you get like that when you're drunk too, or is it just when you're tired?" I asked, and she raised her eyebrows at me. "You know, mouthy and overly stubborn. And a lot more honest too." I explained. "You've been like that since you came back."

To that, she actually blushed, a full dark red blush, from her neck to the top of her ears, and I had to pull the brim of my hat down, because my face was kind of heating up too.

"Yeah…" She muttered after a long, awkward silence. "I kinda do that when I'm tired."

There was another silence in there, before I found it on me to say something. "Well, I think it's kinda cool."

"Shut up." She said, her voice low and quiet.

We fell back into that new, awkward silence again, until she reached out and did the one thing everybody talked about but nobody ever did before.

She took my hat.

Now, usually, if anyone tried to get inside my personal space, there would _definitely_ be bloodshed. During my whole life, I had doctors poking at me, pressing sore spots and asking me if it hurts, pushing and pulling and twisting and putting everything back in place, and I hated it, I hated it with a burning passion. I hated it so hard that my family was careful not to touch me too much.

Well, my parents, at least. I never had a problem with Gunny. In fact, I held her and carried her everywhere when she was a baby, to everyone's surprise.

But the point is, invading my personal space? Not cool. Especially something as… Personal as my _lucky hat_. I would've lashed out at her. I would've yelled all sorts of unfair, unpleasant and uncomfortable things. I would've done something. Would've, could've, should've.

I did _nothing_.

I just gaped at her, instinctively reaching out to where the brim of the hat should be, and then stopping myself. I felt my face heating, and there was nothing to hide it with. I knew what I should do. I had the whole thing rehearsed inside my head, hell, I had done that before, several times, but somehow, words wouldn't come out of my mouth.

I just gaped at her, and she gave me this lazy smile as an answer. "Cat got your tongue?" She asked, settling the hat on top of her head. Damn, it looked good.

I ducked my head real low and looked back at my consoles, muttering a lot of gibberish until actual words came out of my mouth. "That's my lucky hat." I said, quietly. And _stupidly_.

"Relax, Flyboy, I'll give it back. I could use a little bit of luck, though."

"Yeah? I thought you had it all figured." I muttered, still quiet and still unable to look at her.

She snorted, and went to sit on the copilot's seat, pulling her legs against her chest and relaxing. _Really_ relaxing. She pulled my hat a little lower, slightly covering her eyes, and took a deep breath.

I stared at her.

 _She_ was wearing my hat.

She was wearing _my hat_.

 _She was wearing my hat_.

It was suddenly all too much. I was reacting to that in all kinds of weird ways, my heart was leaping, and I didn't even wanna talk about what other parts of my body were doing. Actually, I didn't wanna acknowledge what my whole body was doing.

_No. Nonononononononono. Think of something else. Anything. Fluffy things. Cats. Bunnies. Her hair. No! Not helping. Think of bad things, ugly things. Krogan. A whole planet filled with Krogan. And varren. "Varren fight." She said, with a smile. DAMMIT! Something else! Think of something else!  You know what happens when you go down that way. You don't wanna do that! Think of the Council. The Salarian Councilor. Is that a he or a she? I wonder what the Council would look like if there was such a thing as a Krogan Councilor. That would be hilarious._

And down that road, ten minutes later, I had actually managed to clear my head. One ridiculous thought after another, I managed to get back to my usual, unattached self.

That until I caught a hint of movement to my right and turned towards her, just in time to see my hat sliding down her face and falling to the ground. She was sound asleep, breathing slow and deep, her body leaning awkwardly to the side so that her head was lolling towards me in this funny, kinda childish way, her hair - now free from the hat - covering her face.

And then, against my better judgment, I reached out.

At first, I just touched her hair, tucking the red locks away from her face. Then, I let my fingers entwine with them, enjoying the silkiness a little too much. Then I touched her face, trailing one of her scars, noticing that her skin was rather soft, compared to my fingers.

Then I realized what I was doing, and pulled my hand away from her like she was on fire, so fast and hard that my shoulder made a snapping sound and I grunted in pain.

_Good._

Pain I knew how to handle. My heart flying off my chest and my brains turning into pudding? Not so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspiration for Joker's chap (the final part at least) came from this fan art I saw somewhere about a year ago. It had Shepard coming back from Feros, tired and pissed, and she fell asleep sitting beside joker, and he just touches her hair and it was really cute. I wish I could remember where I saw it, it was adorable, and I really liked it, but I never found it again =(  
> Again, no beta reader for this one, so it might be really bad. I'm so tired right now I don't have the heart to think about it too much. Tomorrow, I'll get my boyfriend to read it and see if I can change something. Until then, I just hope people like it.
> 
> P.S.: Rosie, when you read it, please, keep your shit together. DO NOT CALL ME at 2 in the morning to talk about it. Seriously, I need to sleep.
> 
> Edit: Thanks to Chris' comment, I was able to find the fanart I talked about!  
> It belongs to [Polly-m](http://poly-m.deviantart.com/), and you can find it [here](http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/047/6/5/energize_me_by_polymorphicgirl-d4pxocw.jpg)


	13. Sly old fox

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am sooooo sorry it took me forever to come back here.  
> I had a hell of a lot of things to figure out this past few days, and I didn't have time to write at all, but I'm back!  
> Today is my first day off in forever, so I'm gonna write like crazy, and with a little luck, I'll have something new to post later.  
> And I just saw that people left comments - yay, comments! <3 - and I swear to god I'm gonna read them all, and respond, and all that. I'm so glad that people are actually reading this, I can't even.  
> Thank you all so much, guys. Really. You all have a place inside my ridiculously big heart.  
> So here we have Chakwas, shipping shoker so hard it hurts the eyes. =D  
> I hope you like it!

\- Karin Chakwas

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

"What is troubling you, Commander?" I asked, as Shepard walked down the med bay to sit silently in front of me.

Since her mission on Feros, she hadn't been quite herself.

When she first came back into the ship, she was tired beyond belief, so much that she was having trouble keeping her actions inside the realm of the socially acceptable for an Alliance Marine. She would swear, and snort, and complain, and her manner of speech fell back into what, I believed, used to be the standard for her when back on earth.

It didn't bother me, particularly, for I had handled all sorts of soldiers during my many years of service, but it concerned me that she refused to get some rest, or even stay under my care for at least 24 hours, taken the mental stress she had just been through. Shepard, as Joker had pointed out in a conversation not long ago, was flesh and bone, just like the rest of us.

Despite my insistence, she refused to stay, claiming that she had yet to reprimand Joker for refusing to take a direct order from her. She promised to come back soon, and contact me if she felt anything out of the ordinary, and left without looking back. Whatever had happened during that so called reprimand, it ended up with Shepard sleeping soundly on the cockpit, perched up in one of the copilot's seats, and Joker threatening to hit Pressly with his crutches when he tried to wake her up.

Kaidan, Ashley and Liara had been concerned about her, each one of them in their particular way.

Kaidan came to me the next day, saying he thought Shepard was distancing herself from the rest of the crew, slowly pulling away, and maybe it was because of whatever this so called _Cipher_ had planted on her mind.

Ashley stopped by later, and she was convinced that the aliens were - and here I quote her - _fucking up with Shepard's mind_. She was afraid that the Commander was too good to realize that not everyone is an ally, and maybe she was acting weird because those Asari had done something to confuse her.

Liara came during downtime, after talking to Shepard herself. She told me the Commander had admitted to be having nightmares, mostly about the Protheans and their unfortunate end. She was worried that, despite her strong will and the resilience of her mind, the human physiology wasn't built to take all that knowledge after all, and maybe she was slowly breaking down.

The fact that they all cared so much about her was heartwarming.

And then Shepard came to see me, at last, looking rather troubled, but all she did was sit down and stare at nothing in particular.

"Are you here for a drink?" I asked, and she gave me a thoughtful look, as if considering it, but then shook her head, refusing.

"Still on duty." She muttered.

"Did you have anymore nightmares?" She hesitated, but nodded after a while. "Yesterday? On the cockpit? Pressly told me you were sound asleep."

"I was. I slept fine there. Nightmare came when I got to my quarters."

"Any idea why?" I asked, although I had a _pretty good_ idea why.

She shook her head again and sighed. "Is there something you can do without knocking me out?"

"I'm not sure, Commander." I said, but it was a lie.

Truth was, I knew exactly what was going on with Shepard. Her brain was overworked, her body was on edge, and the fact that she kept bringing responsibilities upon herself was getting her into a state of constant alert. If there was ever such a thing as fear on her, she might just have had a panic attack.

But apparently, she was never afraid, and instead of having a breakdown, her body kept working itself up into exhaustion, and her mind kept tearing her away from a proper rest, and so on, in a vicious cycle that would end up with her death.

She needed to relax.

In fact, I suspected that the reason why she slept alright on the cockpit was because she was always relaxed around Joker. He always gave her his worse, or what he passed as his worse, and as a result, she felt free to let go of her duty-imposed masks, and be… Honest. Even if just a little bit, since they didn't know each other that long, anyway.

Not that time really mattered.

Inside a ship, in the heat of battle, with danger breathing on your neck, two weeks or two years were pretty much the same. The person standing beside, picking you up from the ground, standing up for you-- _with_ you… It didn't matter how long you knew them. They were family.

Suddenly, I was thinking back to my early years. First Contact War, patching up Anderson and Hackett before their big rise… We were all around our twenties, and when we were not working our asses around the clock, we would sneak out together and drink ourselves into a bloody mess, until it was time to get back to work, and then we would handle the hangover the best we could and kick back into action.

Oh, the good old days.

I bit back a smile, and focused on the task at hand. I needed Shepard to stay in the med bay for another ten minutes, just enough for Joker to show up for his periodical scan, and then… Well, I would slip away with some random excuse and let things take their course.

"I'll have you scanned, and then we'll see. Just know that I _will_ knock you out if I have to." I told her, very seriously. They didn't call me sly old fox for nothing.

I had her lie still, and started running routine scans, just to buy some time, and ten minutes later, like clockwork, Joker walked through the door. He didn't notice her at first. He had this frown on his face that told me he was having one of his bad days, probably in a lot of pain, and that usually made him a lot less attentive.

"I'm here Doc." He mumbled, focused on moving forward, grunting a little every time he had to put some extra force on it.

Shepard, who had miraculously managed to stay still for the whole ten minutes she'd been there, tensed up and had her whole body moving slightly towards him, a movement so subtle I doubted she even noticed. She was focused on him, watching him carefully, cautiously, the same way she would watch the battlefield before taking action.

I bit back a smile.

"Jeff.HeH" I started, sternly. "Have you not been taking your medicine?"

He mumbled something rude that I didn't quite catch, but Shepard did, and that made her eyebrows go up. He still hadn't noticed her, and was making a pointed effort not to look away from the floor, and I realized that maybe he was having his own bit of stressful days.

Well, maybe my plan could help them both.

"Use your words, Jeff." I ordered, my voice growing even more stern, and he froze on the spot. "Did you take you medicine today, yes or no?"

"No."

"When was the last time you took it?"

There was a beat before he answered. "Two days ago."

I sighed. "Jeff, you're supposed to take them twice a day. If you don't do it, you'll be in awful pain, and you know it. Why would you neglect yourself like that?"

He was now looking towards the other side of the med bay, and then over his shoulder, probably contemplating his chances of making a run for it. The silence was long and thick this time, and Shepard was still watching him carefully when he looked back to the floor and took a deep breath before answering.

"Pain gets my skills sharper." He blurted out. "It clears my head of everything else."

That was a surprisingly honest answer, proof that I was finally getting through him, and I couldn't help but smile at that.

"And what has been filling your head lately?"

"Stuff." He muttered, and then looked at me with a look that meant I wasn't about to get _that_ out of him.

And then he saw Shepard, and his face did something very interesting, flickering between a thousand emotions in a second and then falling back into its original frown. What surprised me, thought, were the emotions I was capable of making out. Worry, at first, and then amusement, and then something pleasant, like he was happy that she was there, and finally pain, but not the kind of pain you get from overworking your body.

No, it was the kind of pain you get from seeing someone you didn't want to see, and feeling something you didn't want to feel, and having to shove it back into the darkest corner of your mind.

I knew that kind of pain all to well.

I glanced over Shepard, just to realize she caught his reaction too, but she couldn't quite place it, and I felt like laughing at the bitter familiarity of it all. It was both funny and sad that things like that kept repeating themselves over and over.

You meet someone, you become friends, you fall in love, and there are about five hundred reasons why you shouldn't give in to that, so you try to put it away, but it doesn't work. It never works. So you hang on the best you can, you avoid the person, you overwork yourself, you nearly get yourself killed, and it's all pointless, because in the end, you find yourself in the same room with that person, and you just can't help yourself from smiling at their jokes and liking the way they talk to you, and it's all too much. At that point, you either run away and put a rock on top of that feeling, or you give in, and god knows where that will take you.

I didn't run. I had a feeling Joker wouldn't either.

A 50.000 years old threat hovering around the galaxy, and love was still the scariest, most dangerous thing I've ever heard of.

I sighed loudly and shook my head dramatically, and looked from one to another. "Heavens. The two of you are gonna be the death of me." I said, getting them to focus on me rather then on each other. Joker didn't need her to find out about his feelings just yet - assuming that _he_ had figured that out himself - and she didn't need to worry about that right then. They needed to relax. "You, refusing to stay under medical care, and you, refusing to take your meds. What am I gonna do with you two?" I pointed a finger to each of them as I talked, and then placed my hands at my hips and stared them down, which caused them _both_ to quail a little.

_Good._

"Lie down, Jeff. I'm gonna get your meds. And you better stay still, Commander, or I swear to god…"

I trailed off, walking towards one of my cabinets, and started to search for Joker's pills. Well, to pretend I was searching anyways. I knew exactly where they were, of course, but I was set on staying there, looking, until they started a conversation.

_Come on, Joker. I know you can do it._

"So she _did_ tie you up after all." He said, finally, and I smiled to myself. _Good job, boy._

"I can still make a run for it." I could hear the amusement in her voice.

"I strongly advice against that. She has a stun gun."

"I can hear you, you know?" I said, grabbing the pills and turning around.

Not surprisingly, Joker had picked the bed beside Shepard's. He had adjusted the inclination so that he was half sitting, and had pulled his hat lower, hiding his eyes. She was side-eyeing him, one corner of her lips tugged slightly up, and I had to concentrate on keeping my face straight. I gave Joker his meds, and he gave me a look when I handed him water.

"No alcohol this time?"

"Maybe, if you behave." I said, and he rolled his eyes at me.

Once he had taken the pills, he turned to her and asked: "What are you in for?"

He sounded perfectly casual, but from where I stood, I could see a faint blush crawling up his face.

"Can't sleep." She answered.

"Seriously? After you practically passed out the other day on the cockpit?" He turned to me then, grinning widely. "She drooled all over the floor."

"Well, _Flyboy_." She said, sounding annoyed, but she was grinning too. "Maybe your social skills helped a little."

"Ouch! You wound me, Commander."

_Oh, god. Stop being so adorable, both of you._

"Stop annoying her. Lack of proper rest could be dangerous on the battlefield." I warned him, halfheartedly. "She needs to rest." He snorted at that, and I gave him a look. "What, do you have a medical opinion on the matter that you would care to share with us?"

Then he looked at me, that piercing, defiant look he would give sometimes, and said, matter-of-factly: "She needs shore leave."

And he wasn't all that wrong.


	14. Drinking games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! \o\  
> Just to be clear, this chap came alive on its own. I had some of it planned out, but then it changed itself half way through, and now it's like that. There's a bit of innocent/unconscious flirting between the two idiots we're here for, but Shepard is still oblivious - the woman is a brick ._. - and Joker is still Joker, so... XD  
> I hope you guys enjoy it!  
> (I'm gonna be seeing those comments now. Thank you all so much! <3)

\- Alessa Shepard

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

It all happened a little too fast for me, but I wasn't complaining.

After Feros, we docked on the Citadel, so that I could handle some unfinished business, attend to some meetings, and buy some supplies - Krogan armors didn't tend to last long, specially if the Krogan in question was Wrex.

As soon as I left the ship, there was this guy standing in the docking bay, claiming that he had a pop inspection to do on the _Normandy_ , and demanding access to the ship. I found the whole thing a little weird, and when I talked to Joker, he told me that the guy could fuck right off.

"Unless he's admiral Hackett, _or_ has an order signed by the man himself, he has no business here. All inspections have to be announced at least 24 hours before being executed. Alliance norms and all." He told me, sounding a little pissed.

"Do we have anything to worry about?" I asked quietly.

"Besides the booze on the med bay? Not really, and I don't think they're gonna look in _there_. But it's a matter of holding our ground, Shepard. The _Normandy_ is a project frowned upon for a dozen stupid reasons, and the fact that the crew is currently half alien doesn't help. We're basically misfits, and if we let them, they're gonna walk all over us." I heard as he took a deep breath over the comm, before saying: "It's your call, but I say let the fucker wait. Ain't gonna kill him."

And so I did.

As it turned out, Joker and I were, in fact, a lot alike. Captain Anderson had told me so, when I arrived to join the _Normandy_ 's crew, and Doctor Chakwas had made a comment on the subject too, but I just didn't believe it.

One of the reasons was: pilots and marines? Not a good combination. Flight school was usually packed up with brainiacs, and they usually thought about us marines as good for nothing. Now, I knew that despite combat techniques and battle planning, I was as far from a genius as it gets, and I was pretty sure I couldn't possibly have anything in common with a pilot.

The second reason was: I was never really good at making friends. In boot camp, most people hated me. For different reasons, but yeah, they pretty much hated me. Then during N-program, they either hated me or wanted to be on my team. Eventually, most of them wanted to be on my team, but none of them was really my friend. Once I was out of the program, I finally made a few friends. Five, total. Six, if you counted Anderson.

So there was no way in hell I was gonna step into this ship and suddenly be best friends with the pilot because apparently we had a lot in common.

Well, I was wrong.

Three nights before, when I got out of Feros, tired, pissed and with a headache, he was the one person not to look at me like I was growing a second head. Everyone, and I mean _everyone_ , was giving me side looks and whispering behind my back, and trying to talk me into staying at the med bay, like I was freaking contagious.

Except for Wrex, who went straight to bed and didn't seem to care much about anything.

Joker… He told me to get some rest, go see the doctor, and when I came back to the cockpit later, he just gave me a look, shrugged it off, and talked to me normally. Friendly, actually, now that I know that he keeps his top shelf bullshit for people he's actually fond of.

He'd always been like that towards me. Insubordinate, yeah, but friendly, in a refreshing way.

So three nights ago, I actually slept in the copilot's seat - and I would never live that down, if he had a say on it - and he just let me be. He didn't wake me up, and from what I heard, he didn't let Pressly, or Kaidan, wake me up either. He just stayed there and kind of… Watched over me. Like real friends do.

And it felt kinda nice.

And the next night, I couldn't sleep for the life of me, and ended up going to the med bay to see if Doctor Chakwas could do anything at all to help me out. He came in later for his check-up, and he looked tired, and pissed, and in pain, and I realized that his condition was a lot worse then he let out, and also that he was a lot better friend than I was.

Instead of getting some sleep, as Chakwas told me to, before she disappeared into the storage room, I stayed up through his scan, and then the muscle strengthening therapy, and before I knew, we'd been up for four and a half hours, just talking about random things, like who was dating who, and the fact that Liara had a crush on me, and the ongoing pool - already on five thousand credits - on if and when I was gonna hook up with Kaidan, and stuff like that.

As it got later, the subjects became heavier, and we talked about his family, and my life on earth, his Vrolik's, and my nightmares, never going too deep on any subject, never giving too much or asking too much, always hanging to the safety of comfort zones. His, more then mine.

That was when I realized just how similar we were, despite all our differences. Our thoughts tended to head the same direction, and we had this way with getting under each others skins, and we pointed out each others bullshit, without giving in and admitting our own - pot and kettle, really -, and on top of it all, there was the fact that he was willing to go as far as standing up _against_ me, in order to stand up _for_ me.

"So, you're telling me," I started. "That if I order you to leave me behind, you're gonna disobey me _every time_?"

"Damn right I will." He answered, his voice slow and rough with sleepiness. "And I bet my ass I'd have the whole crew backing me up on that. Come on, Shepard, you're standing up for something here, and we're all standing with you. You're not just fighting for the human race, you're protecting the whole galaxy. You can't just expect us to haul ass and leave you behind whenever shit get serious. It would be like throwing everything we're fighting for out the airlock."

"But I'm supposed to protect my crew!" I protested, poorly, already terribly tired.

"No. You see, that's not how it works. Your crew is supposed to back you up."

I fell asleep at some point after that, and he was gone when I woke up, but there was a message from him on my omnitool, saying:

 

At least you didn't drool this time. :)

-J

 

And I knew we were good.

So yeah, I did tell the inspection guy to _fuck right off_. Politely, because he was a superior office after all.

Kaidan didn't like it, and Liara looked like she was about to faint, but Wrex and Tali supported me, and Ash and Garrus understood my point once I explained it to them, so it was more or less okay. It surprised me, though, that I actually cared so much that those people approved my decisions. Apparently Joker wasn't the only friend I've made.

So, inspection guy was gone, furious, but lacking arguments to do anything other than grumble, and we left to attend to our business, giving the rest of crew shore leave for the next 24 hours.

Somewhere inside my head, I was secretly thanking inspection guy for showing up when he did, though. As Joker said the other night, I really did need shore leave.

 

***

 

After about five hours of kissing ass, making polite conversation, solving all sorts of small problems that C-Sec apparently had no idea of how to handle, trying to keep Wrex and Garrus from wrestling in the middle of the Presidium, calling in some favors in order to get Tali new filters for her suit and a proper armor, and staring subtly at Kaidan's shoulders when nobody was paying attention, we finally got back to the _Normandy_ , just in time to see Doctor Chakwas setting down about 16 bottles of different kinds of booze and two crates of beer on top of the mess hall table.

God, I wanted to laugh so bad.

Doc had this mortified look on her face, and engineer Adams, who was helping her, looked hilariously shocked, and Joker, sitting by the table, was grinning wickedly, and Kaidan muttered something on the lines of _this crew is so weird_ , and the whole thing was just too much for me.

I bit the insides of my mouth, trying hard, so hard not to laugh. "What the flying fuck is going on here?" I asked, and Joker looked into my eyes, and the bastard just knew I was holding back, and the look he gave me just made everything harder.

"We're empting Doc's stash. Can't have the inspection guys find it tomorrow, can we?" He said, but his eyes were saying: _Come on! It's shore leave! Play along, Shepard!_

"This is your stash?" _Where the hell was she keeping all this?_

"All but my favorite brandy. I keep that one with my personal belongings." She sniffed a little, and I almost felt sorry for her. "There's even dextro-liquor, for Tali and Garrus."

"Doctor, I think it's safe to assume you have a drinking problem." Ash said, earning herself a few chuckles. "What are we waiting for?" She went to sit beside Joker, and they both gave me this excited look, and I rolled my eyes.

"Well…" I said, finally "Since it's shore leave, I suppose…"

And suddenly, everybody was laughing and celebrating and talking nonsense in the middle of the mess hall.

Like I said, It all happened a little too fast, but I wasn't complaining.

I was having actual fun.

"I'll take this one." Wrex said, grabbing a bottle of whiskey.

I sat in front of Joker and got myself a beer, handing one to Kaidan, one to Adams and one to Joker himself. Ash convinced Wrex to share his whiskey with her, and Liara shared a French brandy with Chakwas.

Garrus poured drinks for Tali and himself, but hesitated before handing hers over. "Are you even old enough to drink?" He asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

"I'll have you know…" Tali said with an annoyed voice that she only used with Garrus, taking her drink from his hands. "That amongst my people, we're allowed to drink at age sixteen."

"I was just asking…" He muttered.

"Rules of the house!" I said, quickly, before they started a fight "If you're old enough to kill someone, then you're old enough to drink." I said, sternly. "Also, you can't insult anyone in this room, _or their species_. And if you throw up, you clean up. Also, no wrestling…" I pointed a finger to Wrex, who snorted. "No shooting contests…" I moved the finger to Garrus, and he made a nervous sound. "And no bullshit." I pointed to Joker, who tugged the brim of his hat down, but not fast enough to hide his shit-eating grin.

He was gonna give me bullshit all night long.

 

***

 

"I'm confused." Tali said at some point, her head falling a little to the side. She looked confused alright. And also mildly drunk. "Wasn't this game about drinking whenever someone says something you actually did? Why are we telling stories and drinking randomly?"

I chuckled, loudly, and Kaidan gave me a pleased look. It was a side of me he didn't know yet, the drunk, silly, loud and bad mouthed me. Not all that different from tired me, really. Just a lot less coherent.

I had downed my beer real quick, and when Ash suggested we played a drinking game, for bonding and shit, we all started doing shots. We had finished two bottles of vodka and then Wrex's whiskey, and now we were taking beers again. Wrex hated it, but was drinking anyway.

We played _I never_ for about half an hour - or maybe a lot more, taking how fast we were getting drunk - until it turned into something more or less like truth or dare. Only nobody ever went for dare. Eventually, the rules of that game started bending too, mostly Joker's fault, really, and suddenly we were telling stories about our lives, silly stuff like first time shooting a gun, first alien you'd ever met, the weirdest food you ever ate. Depending on how cool or how lame or how ridiculous or just how true the story was, we'd drink to that.

You didn't have to be a genius to figure we were drinking to pretty much everything by then.

"First rule of playing drinking games." Joker said, grinning at her. At that point, he was just this one big, unfading grin, all the time, and I guessed he was half lit already. "The rules change. You just gotta go with it." Tali made this noise, like something between a snort and a hiccup, and adjusted the straw she had stuck into her helmet to drink. "So Ash, you're calling the shots next. What is it gonna be?"

"You know, I don't think I like this partnership between Ash and Joker all that much." Kaidan said to me, in this low, kinda drunk and wickedly sexy voice, leaning closer without really touching, and my skin prickled all over. "They're kind of turning this game in a really weird direction."

True that. Joker and Ash had kind of a devious thing going on, in which they would turn the game around whenever they wanted to get something out of someone, like Chakwas' age, Adams' relationship status, Garrus first kiss - because as it turns out, Turians do have this thing that equals a kiss - and other shit like that. They took turns, and gave each other those looks, and nodded their approval over each others questions and subtle changes on the flow of things, and I was _very_ aware of all that.

Weirdly aware, really, taking that I was half lit myself and having a hard time focusing in stuff.

I smiled at Kaidan, but my eyes were on Ash, and the look she was giving Joker, and the grin splitting her face in two, and then his approving nod… And it all kind of bothered me.

"Okay. Next is… First time." She said, and I rolled my eyes. _Of course_ it would be that.

Kaidan chocked a little, Chakwas cracked up and Liara kinda sunk into the seat, like she was trying to disappear under the table. Adams covered his face with both hands, and gave this miserable laugh, like he was thinking _what the hell am I doing here_ , and everyone else was kind of confused.

"First time for what?" Tali asked, her voice very slow.

"Sex." Ash answered, simply.

One beat. Everyone was silent.

Two beats. A few more laughs, some miserable, some really amused, and then Wrex snorted.

"Too old to remember that." He stated.

Joker laughed hard, and I covered my mouth not to do the same. "Well, I'll drink to that!" He said, rising his beer, and I followed. Ash's hand joined us, and then Wrex's too, and then everyone was toasting, except for Tali, who was still a little lost. "Who's next? Come on, age and circumstance. Speak up, people! How about you, golden boy?"

He tossed the cap of his beer at Kaidan, who blushed hard. "There's nothing much to tell." He muttered, suddenly finding his drink very interesting. "I was almost 18, just out of BAaT, trying to figure out what to do with my life… Went to this party with a cousin, got drunk, met a girl, not necessarily in this order… And it happened. It was weird. We went out for a couple of months after that, and that's it." He shrugged.

And I believed him. Kaidan was that simple of a guy. I actually liked that about him.

Joker rolled his eyes, and Wrex snorted.

"Come on! Seriously?" Ash sneered. "I refuse to drink to that."

"Well, why don't you tell us your story then?" He sort of grumbled, and it was cute. Drunk Kaidan - even if he was only half drunk, which I always thought was a waste of alcohol, but I wasn't really judging nobody - was very cute.

"Well, okay." She looked around and then turned to Joker. "You fill those glasses with something strong, _Flyboy_ , because my story is worth more then a beer."

 _Flyboy_. Now wait just a second there, where did that came from? _Flyboy_ was my thing! Why was she calling him that? How did she even _know_ that?

I made this impossible, almost inhuman effort to keep my face straight, perfectly impassive, to calm myself down - the _no wrestling_ rule was still going - but when Joker got up, bracing himself on the table to look for the strongest drink available, he saw something on me, something that made one of his eyebrows twitch, and his eyes turned a little questioning.

I looked away.

_What the hell am I freaking out about? The guy can have other friends. And Flyboy? That's an awful unoriginal thing to call him, too. Anyone could have come up with that. Stop getting mad because your best friend is… Wait, did I…? Best friend? What the fuck, Shepard, grow a fucking pair! What the hell is wrong with you?!_

I scanned the table, trying not to feel so embarrassed. For someone who had only a handful of friends before getting assigned to the Normandy, maybe I had gotten a little too many of them all of a sudden.

 _It's the alcohol. You're way more drunk then you thought_.

My eyes landed on a familiar shape on the table, and I grabbed the bottle and handled it to Joker, shoving the unnecessary thoughts away with it. "How about this one?"

He looked deep into my eyes, the way he did sometimes that annoyed the hell out of me, because it was just so damn defiant it always put me off… I gave him a look that I hoped was saying: _Hey, I'm just drunk_ , and apparently, it worked, because he focused on the bottle, and then his eyes brightened up, and his grin got wider, and I was suddenly relived and smiling again.

"You gotta be shitting me! Is this the real thing?" He asked, still looking at the bottle, and then looked at Chakwas, and she chuckled a little.

"It is real alright. Gran Patrón Platinum, straight from Mexico, Earth." She said proudly.

"Doc, this shit is extremely rare!" He half said, half laughed. She chuckled more.

"And pricy." I completed. "You sure you wanna waste it on us?"

She smiled softly at that and nodded. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

So he poured it down, one shot for everyone but Garrus and Tali, and then we all turned to Ash, who was smiling lazily.

"So." She started "Age 16, on the night of this spring dance that my school had. Guy's name was Jimmy something. I don't remember anymore. He was the hottest senior, but he was awfully cocky, and I had this love-hate thing for him." I rolled my eyes, and so did Joker. Wrex made this hilarious disdainful noise, and then I actually chucked, sending Ash an apologetic look at the same time. "So, the day before the dance, I still didn't have a date, and I wasn't even sure I was going, because it seemed pretty lame, really. Jimmy was playing football with his friends in the hallway that day, and he actually hit my friend by accident, and didn't even apologize."

"What a jerk!" Kaidan muttered, leaning in, clearly interested.

I was kinda bored. The whole story sounded like something you'd watch in a rom-com vid, and that was just so… Alien to me.

"Right?" She went on. "So later, when she told me about that, I got so mad that I went looking for him, to give him a piece of my mind. I found him in the locker room, and I started yelling at the guy, and he was completely blown by the whole thing. So he looked me in the eye and said he was sorry, and that I didn't have to be a bitch about it."

I hissed at that. "Tell me you knocked him on his ass." I pleaded, and she gave me a proud nod.

"I knocked him on his ass. With a black eye to go with it." There were a few applauses. "The next day, the guy walked up to us, looking like a kicked puppy, and he told my friend he was really sorry, and he was never going to do that ever again. Then he turned to me and asked me if I wanted to go to the dance with him. Call me crazy, but I thought it was cute, and I actually accepted." She had this sheepish look on her face.

"I'm sorry, but how exactly does that end with you having intercourse with him?!" Garrus asked, and I had to laugh at his exasperated tone.

Tali laughed too, and gave him a tiny shove on the arm. Friendly, for once.

"No, really, how did that end with sex?" Joker backed him up, and Ash actually blushed.

"Well, we never made it to the dance. You see, he was _really hot_ , and I was wearing this _really cool_ dress, and… Well. You know. Teenagers."

I cracked up really hard. She rolled her eyes at me, and Kaidan gave me this curious look, like he was trying to figure me out, but I just kept laughing, and it only got worse when Wrex started chuckling and Garrus commented on how suddenly he understood how humans populated colonies so quickly.

And then Joker made it all worse.

"Are you kidding me with this chick-flick movie shit?" He said, and she actually glared at him, which, of course, was completely ineffective - like most things are, when it comes to Joker - and I laughed so hard I wasn't even making sounds anymore, I was just gasping for air and holding my sides and trying to remember if anyone ever died from laughing, because I was pretty sure that was it, I was definitely dying.

"Come on! It's not a chick-flick!" She protested.

"I'll drink…" I said, pausing and gasping for air and still laughing a little "I'll drink to Ash's chick-flick movie shit."

I raised my glass of Patrón - _fucking Patrón!_ \- and Joker's joined right away.

"Well, it's _tequila_. One does not simply waste tequila. Even if Ash's story is a total chick-flick."

"It's not a chick-flick!" She hissed, joining us.

"I think it was a good story." Kaidan joined too.

"I think it was a slightly ridiculous." Garrus got his glass up too. "No offense."

And then all glasses were up, and right before I downed my drink, I looked around, taking in everybody's happy faces, and then I looked at Joker, and he looked at me, and I felt good. I felt good about the whole thing. My ship, my crew, my friends. And I thought: _This is it. Life doesn't get better than this_. And I was okay with that.

I didn't need anything else.

 

***

 

We somehow got distracted from the subject, and started talking about something else, and the night went on. The conversation was really nice, I had forgotten the whole first time thing completely, until Liara, already quite drunk, brought it back.

"Well, I do not know what is a chick-flick." Liara started, and then was interrupted by a hiccup, and her face turned slightly purple, which I guessed was the Asari equivalent of blushing. "But I think that story was surprisingly lame."

"OOOOOH!" Joker teased, and I actually got a little worried as Ash death-glared at her.

"Well, why don't you tell us _your_ story then, _blue sister_?" Ash hissed, as mean as I knew she could get, and I shot her a warning look.

There was a long, slightly awkward silence, and Liara got even more purple, and sunk even deeper into the seat.

"There is no story to tell." She muttered, awfully quiet. "I have never engaged in such activities."

Ash started to say something, with a mean grin planted on her face, but she caught my - second - warning look and closed her mouth, looking back to the unfinished beer in front of her.

It was Doctor Chakwas who ended the awkwardness of the moment. "Oh, but Liara is just a child! 106 years old only, among the Asari, that's very young. It's not time for her to be thinking about such things. She's about as old as Tali!"

Tali's head snapped up, as she sensed the spotlight turning towards her, and soon enough, Wrex asked: "So how about you, girl? Have you _engaged in such activities_ yet?" He mocked Liara, and she sunk even more - if that was even possible.

"I'm not sure I wanna hear the answer to that." Joker muttered warily.

Tali pulled the straw out of her helmet and snorted loudly. "Are you people serious? It's not like I could give in to a teen impulse and do it on the heat of the moment. It could literally kill me, you know. Nu-uh, the Quarian in the room is still pretty much intact."

I chuckled, and felt kinda proud of Tali.

"Well." I raised my beer. "I say we drink to being young." I smiled at her, and then at Liara, who looked immensely grateful.

"And staying smart." Joker completed, tipping his beer towards Tali, who nodded at him, and I kind of imagined her smiling under the helmet, and how she must have looked like. Probably pretty, in that sweet way that young girls always are. Even if they're not human.

We drank.

"Who's next?"

"I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's starting to feel very weird, how people here are either virgin or had one night stands for their first time." Joker said, leaning back on his seat, and crossing his arms. He had his bullshit face on, and I braced myself. "It looks more and more like they got all the weirdoes in the galaxy and threw them in the same ship, just for the hell of it."

"Hey, it wasn't a one night stand!" Ash protested. "I actually dated the guy after that!"

"Yeah, but you didn't date him _before_. Neither did Mr. Boy Scout here." He threw another beer cap at Kaidan, who made an annoyed noise. "Which is pretty weird, if you ask me. Of all people, I expected him to have some cute romantic story to tell."

I bit down a chuckle really hard, just for the sake of leaving Kaidan alone.

"Well, I have a cute romantic story to tell, if you're interested." Chakwas said, with a mischievous smile on her face, and I realized she had downed a whole bottle of brandy between our shots and beers, and damn, that woman could drink!

"Go ahead, Doc!" Joker said, grinning - but then again, when was he not grinning? Drunk Joker was fun - as he gave his bottle a swing. It was empty, just like mine. "Do you have a drink of choice? Because I'm pretty sure your story's gonna be good."

"Brandy." She said. "My stories always sit better with brandy." And when everyone had their drinks in hand, she started. "It was my last summer before joining med school, and I was already 18. My parents were mad at me because I refused to follow their steps and become a stationary doctor, so they sent me to my uncle's farmhouse in Seneca County, Ohio, as some sort of punishment. It's on Earth." She clarified, for those who were unfamiliar with the names. "I met this young man there, named Ezra, and we fell in love. Summer love, yes, but still love nevertheless."

Her eyes were gleaming as she went on. "He was a sweet boy, very respectful, maybe a little too respectful, if you ask me. He lived in a neighbor farm, three miles away from us, and when he decided to ask me out, he actually asked my uncle for permission. He would open doors for me, protect me from the rain with his coat, and ask if it was okay to kiss me, even if we had already kissed a thousand times before."

She smiled then, and I realized everyone was paying attention to her. _Everyone_ , Wrex included. Her smile was something I've never seen in my whole life. It was sweet, nostalgic, and also something else, something I couldn't quite wrap my mind around, something I couldn't name, couldn't even recognize. Something _beautiful_ , whatever it was.

"As we got closer to my departure, the idea of parting ways became surprisingly painful to both of us. We were not stupid, we both knew our romance could hardly survive beyond the warm days of summer, as he knew I was set on becoming a military doctor, and I knew he wanted to be a farmer just as his father, and his grandfather before him. We were not ignorant to our fate, but even so, the idea of parting ways was leaving us with a sour taste in our lips at the end of every kiss. We didn't want it to end. We wanted to have something from each other that lasted for life. So we decided to be each others firsts."

She chuckled. "We did it the night before I left, on his truck. Not a skycar, no, he had an actual old-school truck, with tires and pedals and gas and everything." Joker gasped, and I glanced over him just to see his eyes sparkling. He was now more interested in the truck then in the story. I bit down a chuckle. _What a geek_. "He had blankets and pillows and christmas lights… A whole romantic set up on the back seat, and it was all really sweet. The sex was… Weird, as every single first time in the galaxy will ever be, and don't you dare snort at me, Wrex, you know it is true." She pointed a wobbly finger at him, and went on. "It was weird, but it was also perfect. Sweet, and honest, and free in a way that only love can get you… This is one of my dearest memories. I'll be dead before I forget it."

Sighs and thoughtful nods and sweet smiles came from all over the table, but nobody made a move to drink. I knew I couldn't. What was I gonna drink to? If Ash's story was alien to me, Chakwas' story was like… Like the Council trying to believe in Reapers. Never seen it, never heard about it, and when you did, it sounded like some kind of crazy ass hallucination.

So I settled for staring down into my drink and thinking about young beautiful Doctor Chakwas - Karin, since she wasn't a doctor yet - , and her summer boyfriend, and the old truck, and the christmas' lights, and all the other things I never knew. Because my life was a completely different kind of life. Because my last summer before joining the Alliance was spent in jail, eating better then I had when I was out, and learning from the guys on the other cells about hacking into stuff and shooting straight when there's too much wind, and how to perform a decent enough _suplex_ , even being as small as I am.

Across the table, Joker was like a mirror of me.

It shouldn't make me feel relieved, but it did.

 

***

 

"Okay, I don't think anyone here is gonna top that story. Like, ever." Ash said after a little discussion on the subject. Doc had a lot of questions to answer about her first time, and I was slightly worried about my turn. And as if she could read my mind, Ash went on: "I mean, unless you have something really good to share, Commander." She gave me a look, and then everyone was staring at me.

Except for Joker.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" He asked, laud and slightly angry, and I knew exactly what he was thinking. Suddenly, I couldn't decide if I should be mad at Ash, for the slip, or at Joker, for always taking that sort of comment the worst way possible. " You're kicking Adams, Garrus and I from the game now? Or do you think I couldn't possibly have anything to share?"

Because he was drunk, or maybe because his face was hidden under the hat, or maybe because people didn't get his mood changes as fast as I did by then, nobody seemed to realize he was actually building up a fight. I shot Ash a warning look, but thankfully, that wasn't necessary. She had it covered.

"Oh, come on! First of all, Adams is already half asleep. I don't think we're getting anything coherent from him anytime soon." Partially truth. Adams wasn't even half as drunk as he was pretending to be. He was avoiding embarrassment, I guess. "And Garrus, well, we all know how his social skills are. His first time can't possibly be a good story. We're all gonna die of embarrassment." Truth. I didn't even wanna hear that story, really. "And you! I bet you scare girls off with sarcasm and Hannar porn on daily basis, just for fun. Knowing you, your story is gonna sound like a comedy show!"

Against all my efforts, I laughed. Hard.

Joker turned towards me, and I'm sure he intended to look pissed, but he _looked_ at me, and then he was making this visible effort not to laugh, and it was all too funny. We all laughed, like little kids making puns with cuss words.

"I'll have you know…" He started, and pointed a finger towards Ash. "That my story _is_ ridiculous. I don't even have to make an effort, it's its nature. And it might not be better then Doc's here, but it sure as hell is better then yours."

"Well, bring it on, then!"

"Wait. I'm confused again. Shouldn't we drink to Doctor Chakwas' story first?" Tali asked.

"That's right, let's drink!"

"What do we drink to?"

We all looked at each other, and the suggestions came from everywhere, but none of them sounded right. Love? No. Romance didn't sound appropriate either. First times? Not really.

Then it came to me.

"We should drink to precious moments." I said, quietly, so quietly I wasn't even sure anyone heard me until I felt Joker's eyes burning holes into my head. "Moments that we'll never forget. And people to share them with."

"If that's not a good reason to drink, then I don't know what is." Garrus raised his glass.

We drank.

"Now Joker's story." Kaidan pressed, and I looked at him, surprised by the slightly mean tone in his voice. He was toying with a beer cap, and I could almost see him pondering if he should or shouldn't throw it back at Joker, which, of course, ruined the whole point of doing it in the first place.

He didn't do it, in the end.

"Poison of choice?" I asked, getting up to serve another round.

"Jägermeister." He grinned, and I rolled my eyes.

"You know, I'm actually surprised nobody is throwing up yet." I said, pouring down the disgustingly sweet thing. Even the smell of it was revolting. "There are only so many drinks you can mix without causing a reaction."

"Bullshit." Wrex sneered. "You would need a bucketload of Ryncol to get a Krogan to throw up."

"Do I even wanna know what that is?"

"It's good, Shepard. I'll buy you a bottle once this mission is over. Heh. Heh-heh."

"Alright…" I said, wondering if I should worry about his mischievous laugh. "Ready to tell us your story…" _Flyboy_? I bit my tongue, stopping the word from flying out. Didn't quite know why. Didn't bother thinking too much about it.

"Yes ma'am." He smiled. "Well, I did it when I was 15, in a hospital bed, while recovering from my latest implant upgrade, with a girl who was missing a third of her left leg. How about that?"

The silence around his statement was ridiculously funny, but it was probably the alcohol clouding my judgment. I put a hand up and covered my lips, but the chuckle escaped anyway, and Kaidan gave me this panicked look, like I just had just done the most inappropriate thing to do, but I hadn't. I knew I hadn't, because Joker was downright smiling at me.

Chakwas blustered something that sounded like "Oh, Jeff, you just…" before bursting into laughter, and Tali joined her.

"You are shitting me." I said, laughing harder and lauder by the second, and somehow that seemed to be exactly the reaction he was aiming for.

"I shit you not." He said, toying with his drink. He was now making a point out of avoiding my eyes. "I told you it was ridiculous. You see, sometime around my 15th birthday, doctors decided I was ready for the last implant of my teen years: bone reinforcement for my arms and legs, titanium cape for the recurrent fractures, and joint reinforcements for my ankles, knees and hips. It was a big deal, and it had me strapped to a bed for six weeks, incapable of moving on my own, and stuck with this girl who I was sharing the infirmary with, who couldn't, for the life of her, shut the fuck up."

I noticed that, except for Kaidan and Liara - my drunk brain had started referring to them as Team-Politically-Correct - who seemed mortified and slightly distracted, everyone was exceptionally interested in the story. Wrex included, and Wrex didn't care much for shit.

I smiled, remembering Doc's words. _"He adds a unique flavor to this crew, on his own way"_ She said, and I could understand that then. He was good at turning bitter things into funny things, and turning common sense into bullshit, and just like that he could make everyone else feel… Normal.

Even when they weren't.

"Girl's name was Hailey, no last name. She was an orphan, and she had lost part of her leg in this fucked up accident in one of Arcturus Station's shuttle bays. I remember the accident was everywhere, it was all people would talk about, and all the victims were going to big hospitals for treatment, except for the orphan girl, who was thrown into this shitty hospital, to share the infirmary with the most unhappy guy in the galaxy. That was me, in case you're wondering."

"Wait, why were you in the infirmary of a shitty hospital in the first place?" Garrus asked, and Tali executed an overly dramatic facepalm to express her disappointment.

"Because unlike some Turian rich kids we know, not everyone here came from a wealthy family, Vakarian." Her voice was something in between a hiss and a tired sigh, and I laughed a little more.

"Yeah. Try and raise a child with Vrolik's to see what happens to your money. Anyway. Girl was older than me by a couple of years, she was tall and awkwardly strong, and extremely invasive. She kept talking to me, and no matter what I said to her, she wouldn't stop. After a month, I kinda gave up. My dad was so sure she had a crush on me, and I was like 'no way', and he would just call me stupid and laugh at my face."

Ash suddenly started giggling uncontrollably, and her face was tuning into a dark shade of red, and she was almost falling off. "I can totally see where this is going." She said, and Joker gave her a look.

"Oh, you don't. You have just no idea." He reached out for the Jäger and took a sip straight from the bottle, and _then_ Kaidan threw a cap at him, mouthing _"That's gross!"_ and wrinkling his nose. Joker laughed. "So, the night before she got her prosthesis, she was all excited about it, and wouldn't shut up at all, so she went on about how kids on the orphanage would freak out about her metal leg, and how she wouldn't be able to run around anymore, and an infinite load of bullshit, until she looked at me and said: 'I'm never gonna have sex now.'" There was a beat of dramatic silence before he went on. "And then..."

"It gets worse?" Tali sounded exasperated.

"Yeah, well, she said 'I'm never gonna have sex now. And neither will you.' She _actually_ said _that_ to my _face_. And I wanted to throw something at her, but I could barely move, so I had to settle for telling her a colorful version of what I would do to her if she didn't shut up. To her credit, she got pretty shocked. Then she apologized, and explained her point of view to me, about crippled people, and how nobody would ever want to be with people like us, and--"

"Okay, I wanna shoot this bitch." Tali said, sitting perfectly straight and sounding surprisingly sober all of a sudden.

"You get in line, kid." I said, leaning closer to the table.

I wasn't laughing anymore. I was pissed. I was pissed because I knew, right then, that that was the argument that won him over. He did it because she got him to believe nobody would ever want him.

And that made me mad in a level that had me reaching out for my gun.

Thank fuck I didn't have it. That would have been awkward.

"So, my turn to ask: how did that conversation ended up with sex?" Ash had this look on her face that would have been hilarious if I wasn't mad, and putting all of my energy into keeping it from showing on my face.

"Can I finish the goddamn story? For fuck's sake!" He rolled his eyes and waved us off, and went on, still pointedly avoiding eye contact. "She was giving me a lot of bullshit, and I wasn't buying it, so I did what I do best, and talked back. I turned every single argument she had against her, making a point on saying that I was nothing like her, and we would never have the same fate, and a whole lot of shit on those lines. And that's when she finally shut up. You see, unlike me, she bought it, and the girl actually started crying."

I narrowed my eyes at him, and even though he couldn't see me, I bet he felt it alright, because his shoulder twitched a bit, and he pulled the brim of that fucking hat down.

_She was giving me a lot of bullshit, and I wasn't buying it._

What. A. Fucking. Lie.

He was bullshiting _me_. All of us, but specially _me_. And I could see right through him. "And now I want to shoot _you_." I said, quietly, with just enough bite for him to catch my drift.

"Yeah, I get that a lot." His answer was also slightly quieter, and I knew that he knew that I knew… Well, something like that. Longer sentences get harder after so many drinks. Anyway, he went on. "But you see, young me felt kinda bad for the girl."

"You better, jackass!" Ash was something in between pissed and amused.

"So, just as a joke, I said 'well, you could do it with me'."

"As a joke. Yeah, right." Kaidan actually sneered.

"No, for real, I didn't mean anything by that. I just said that hoping that she would laugh it off and stop crying. And she _did_ stop crying. She sat up, and she was suddenly all 'You mean here? Right now?' And in like two seconds, she was over by my bed, and I tell you, I have no idea how the fuck did that girl move so fast. She didn't even use crutches, she was just… There!"

At that point, he was back on the realm of being honest - or as honest as he can be. It got me by surprise that I could notice the difference. It had me wondering if I was seeing too much on it, if anyone could see it too, if I would ever have the chance to ask him about that.

I decided to take note of that. File it away with a lot of other general stuff I was saving for later, and just enjoy the moment. Despite my stormy internal mood - for whatever reason I couldn't quite figure -, that was by far one of the finest moments I had in a way too long time. I would save the bullshit for later.

I leaned back into my seat, as Joker went on. "And I was half way into telling her that I was joking when the crazy girl took the hospital gown off, and I'll tell you, there are only so many things in the galaxy that can shut me up like that did."

"Oh, my god, you are a total jackass!" Ash slammed her hand on the table. "Are you telling me you took advantage of the poor girl?!"

"Actually, I think he was the one taken advantage of." Garrus sort of chuckled.

"I think they were both idiots." Tali stated, shaking her head.

"Guys, come on! The girl was totally making a move on me, and she _knew_ I always talked back. I wasn't just gonna let that slide!" He defended himself. "And I bet she was plotting the whole thing for a while, because I swear to god, she had a _condom_."

"Smart girl." Chakwas said, and I let out a laugh.

"Yeah, well. She was there, half naked, with a condom in hand, and I had no idea where the hell she was keeping it all along, but anyways, she kept _talking_. She wouldn't shut up! She was like 'Are you ready? I can get you ready. I have a pretty good idea of how it is supposed to go, so I can take care of things.' And all I could do was look at her. I couldn't believe that was even happening." He chuckled, and I muffled my laugh with a hand.

"Christ, man, you could have told her not to do it, you know." Kaidan shook his head at him.

"Man, _seriously_? Have you ever been 15 in your life? There was a half naked girl in front of me, and I was physically unable to move most of my body, I mean, I could move my head, and my arms a little, but that's about it. At that moment my whole communications system was hanging on sounds in the lines between grunting and growling, so give me a break."

"Yeah, give the man a break." Wrex repeated, surprising pretty much everyone, but especially Joker. "Get on with the story already, I'm curious about the logistics of the whole thing."

"Yeah, about that." He chucked. "She basically did all the work. And to her credit, she was pretty good at it, she didn't shatter a single bone on my body, and she managed to keep her balance and... You know, do the deed, even though she only had one foot. I tell you, you'll never know how important your feet are until the moment you can't use them anymore."

"And all you did was _enjoy the ride_?!" Ash asked, and I cracked up. She actually blushed. "No… I mean…"

"Yeah, that's one poor choice of words right there." He chuckled. "Now, come on, Williams, what part of unable to move you didn't get? I got as far as putting a hand on her leg, and she _actually told me_ not to move too much. And on top of it all, when we were… Done, she _thanked me_. She was like 'Oh, thank you Jeff, you are such a good friend, I'll never forget what you did for me tonight'. And all I had going on inside my head was: what the actual fuck?"

"Weren't you even… I don't know, happy that it happened? Didn't you enjoy it at all?" Kaidan was looking at him like he was a two-headed Turian.

"Dude. Once again, I was fucking 15! Of course I enjoyed it, physically, at least, in some sick, subconscious, probably distorted kind of way. But it was so unreal, so fucking weird, so awkward, that I couldn't even believe it happened. And, you know, the girl didn't even kiss me or anything. It was ridiculous. The whole thing was."

"Ridiculous?" Wrex snorted. "I say it was luck. You, kid, are a lucky bastard. You know, Krogan female would never do the job for you, even if they were completely desperate. Not even if you were half dead. The only way a Krogan could ever be so lucky would be by mating with an Asari. But then, that would be no fun at all. No offense, girl." He patted Liara on the shoulder, soft, but still harder then she was ready for, almost knocking her off the seat.

"Yeah, well. Considering that was about the coolest thing to happen to me on the first 15 years of my life, hell yeah it was luck!" He raised his drink. "And we should drink to that."

"To being lucky?"

"To being lucky."

"And a jackass."

"Alright."

We drank.

 _Goddamn Jägermeister_.

 

***

 

"So, Commander, you're up." Joker tossed a beer cap at me, and decided that eye contact was safe again.

After he finished his story, Kaidan and Ash started arguing with him about the things that could have gone different on his first time, and he would sand snarky comments flying at them both over every little argument.

It was actually fun to watch.

But a few drinks later, when they were all tired of his sharp answers, he got bored and turned back into the game, deciding it was time to go for my story. And as soon as he put me on the spotlight, everybody turned to watch.

"There's not much to tell." I said, hoping that my face was as expressionless as I was willing it to be, my voice coming out a little quieter then I intended, but since everyone was in absolute silence, nobody seemed to notice. Well, almost nobody. "It's a pretty lame story."

"Worse then Ash's?" Joker nudged her with his elbow.

"You can talk, _Lucky_." She rolled her eyes.

"No, I don't think anyone can top Ash's story." I chuckled. "But mine is pretty lame too."

"How so?" Garrus asked, his coming out voice slow and deeper and drunker then ever before.

"Take a guess on how old I was."

"20?"

I shook my head.

"14?" Ash tried, and I gave her a look."

"No."

"30?" Joker said, with a crooked smile.

"I'm not that old yet, wiseass, but I'm sure that if I was an Asari scientist, that would have sounded like a compliment." I retorted, winking at Liara, and she laughed. The next morning, once I had sobered out and had the chance to think things over, I would realize how much of a bad idea that was.

But not just yet.

"So, how old?" He pushed.

I gave it a moment before answering: "25."

There was a collective "What?" going around.

Chakwas and Tali went with "Smart girl!" at the same time, and then they laughed and took sips of their already refilled drinks.

Joker, quietly and with this weird, still uncatalogued, smile on his face, reached out for the Patrón, and poured it on my glass and on his, while everyone reached for their own drinks of choice.

Then he did it again, looked me straight in the eye, and asked: "Now, Commander, please, indulge me. Why the fuck 25?"

I shrugged. "Just because. First thing I did when I got out of N-program. Find a willing person, get laid, get it over with."

"Get it over with?!" Ash chocked. "What the hell does that mean?!"

"It means I was 25, virgin, and completely lost when it came to sex talks. I figured: what the hell, let's see what all the fuss is about."

"Who was he?" Chakwas asked, and then grinned. "Wait, was it a he or a she?"

"Was it a Krogan?" Wrex joked, and Liara spat her drink all over Adams.

"If yes, do you have pictures of that?" Joker's eyebrows went up as he gave me a look, causing Wrex to laugh hard enough to shake the whole table.

"Guys!" Kaidan adverted, sounding shocked, but I was laughing, hard and wholeheartedly. "Seriously?!"

"It was a guy." I said, after a catching my breath. My face was hurting a little from all the laughing, and I kept it as straight as I could while going on with the story. "He used to be part of a colonization crew. He was retired when we met, though."

"Wait, retired?! How old was he?!" Kaidan was getting more and more worked up, and I felt like being vague on purpose, just to see him getting jumpy.

"He was... I don't know, really. He had 15 years on me, more or less. I remember he said something of the sort."

"He was OLD!" Ash gasped, and then laughed, and then took a sip of her drink.

"So you have a thing for older guys. Cool." Tali nodded.

"Jesus, people!" Kaidan was freaking out even more.

They were all talking at the same time, laughing and making jokes about it, but there were two sets of eyes glued on me: Joker's and Chakwas'.

"That's quite young to be retired, isn't it?" She asked, her voice loud and uneven, and then the whole table went silent again.

"Was it legs or arms?" Joker said, ever more quietly. It was a question, but also an affirmation. He'd lowered his head in a way that I could barely see his face at all, but I saw he wasn't grinning at that moment: his mouth was a perfectly straight line.

Well, of course he, of all people, would get it as fast as he did.

"Leg." I said simply. No point on denying. No point on pretending. No point on making a big deal out of it. "All of it. He was pretty conscious about it at first, but the alcohol took care of that eventually."

I looked down at my drink, remembering.

His name was Aaron, and he was extremely good-looking, but that was not what caught my attention. I went to him because he was the only person in the whole bar to look as uncomfortable as I did. I noticed the missing leg as soon as I approached him, but that was far from enough of a reason to send me away.

He was easygoing, nice to talk to, even though he thought I was sixteen at first, and tried to talk me out of drinking alcohol. We talked for a while, and eventually, when we were both drunk enough for it not to be awkward, I told him that I was at that bar looking for someone to sleep with.

He tried to talk me out of that too.

It took a few more drinks for him to believe me when I said I didn't mind his leg, and a handful more to believe he was my first choice, because he seemed nice enough, and because he seemed as out of place as I did, and even a few more until he actually agreed on taking me home.

Of-fucking-course my first time had to be a battle on its own.

"He was a..." Ash started, but stopped abruptly, looking suddenly nervous.

"A cripple." Joker finished grimly, his lips turning down for a second before he forced them into a straight line again. "Yeah, Ash, we do have a sex life too, you know."

"Hey!" I tossed the beer cap he threw at me earlier right back at him. "I don't appreciate you talking like that about my guy! So what if he didn't have a leg? I didn't say anything about your one-legged crazy girl." And then I pointed a finger at Ash. "Or your poor excuse for a guy. So drop the bullshit, both of you."

My voice came out a little more Commander-like then I intended, and I had Ash looking down at her beer and Joker raising his eyebrows at me, with one corner of his lips going oh-so-slightly up, as a consequence.

What was good enough for me, really.

"What was he like?" Tali asked.

"Nice. Good looking. Slightly bitter, but the alcohol fixed that too."

"Where did you find him?" Kaidan, still very jumpy, wanted to know.

"Bar."

"You did at a bar?!" Garrus almost chocked.

"No. We went to his place."

"Are you being vague on purpose?" Joker tilted his head to the side a little, and looked me dead in the eye again.

"Maybe." I answered, with a grin.

"Alright, then, dodge this one: how was the sex?" He leaned closer, propping his elbows on the table and wearing his trademark shit-eating grin.

We glared at each other for a moment, and I was pretty much blocking out all the chatter going around the table. He was daring me, and I was kind of daring him too. I didn't know _to what_ I was daring him, but it felt like that, and it felt nice.

Eventually, I decided to answer.

"The sex was alright, I suppose. He was nice, very gentle, and kind of a good teacher too, so it probably wasn't as bad as it could have been." We were still staring, and he was grinning, and I was grinning, and I wondered if that looked awkward, or if anyone was paying attention at all, though I didn't really care. "It did hurt a lot, and it was kind of messy, but he made it up for me later."

He leaned back on the seat, with this knowing look on his face, and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"And here you were, saying your story was lame." He said, and his grin got wider as he nudged Ash with his elbow. "Did he go down on you, Commander?"

Kaidan jumped on his seat, like, really jumped, and it took all I had on me to keep my face straight. Ash muffled her giggles - _giggles_ , I tell you - with a hand, and actually looked away, blushing, and Chakwas was all but falling from her seat, so hard she was laughing. Wrex was giving me this knowing look and smirking, and Liara was almost disappearing under the table, her face all purple, and Adams was so miserably embarrassed he couldn't even look up from his drink. Garrus and Tali - I almost felt sorry for them - looked downright confused.

"Wouldn't you like to know that." I answered, slowly, defiant, and somehow his grin got even wider.

"So I'm guessing is safe to assume that was your first and second time all at once, is that right?" Still the same daring tone of voice.

"And third." I said, and took a small sip from my drink, never looking away from his eyes. "And fourth."

"Jesus!" Ash said, half shocked, half amused, and giggled a little more.

"What? We were already naked and already on it. I figured it was a waste to do it just once."

"That's my kind of girl!" Chakwas - already far too gone at this point - bellowed, causing everyone to laugh.

"I have to say..." Joker started, after a while. "Your story might not be the best, Commander, but it sure as fuck is my favorite."

"Now you're just kissing ass." Ash snorted, and he snorted right back at her.

"I'll have you know that kissing ass is against my principles." He said, solemnly. "Her story is good because is simple, honest, realistic and totally believable. Unlike everyone else's here. No offense, Doc. And you're just jealous, because your story was a chick-flick."

"Fuck you!"

"Yeah, yeah." He waved her off, and looked at me. "We should drink to that. To being real. What do you say?"

The question came out very general, but he was asking _me_ , specifically, and there was a lot implied on that. He was telling me that he knew how weird all the other stories sounded to me, and how I couldn't relate to them at all. He was also telling me that he understood, and that he felt the same, and that it was alright.

_It's okay to let go._

So I nodded, and raised my drink. "As real as it gets, I guess."

"As real as it should be." Wrex said, with a nod, and I smiled at him.

We drank, and this time, the Patrón had me feeling warmer than ever before.

"Can I ask you a question?" Kaidan said, a little uncertain, and I smiled softly at him, nodding. "Why didn't you do it earlier?"

I shrugged. "Well, I was kind of busy, you know, trying to complete the N-program, and before that, I was kicking ass in boot camp, not much time there either, and before that..."

I trailed off, thinking of life on Earth, and how the last thing on my mind back then was sex. Or relationships of any kind, really.

"What were you doing before boot camp?" He pressed, curious.

I shrugged again.

"Surviving."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? How was it? I hope it was alright.  
> I came out awfully long, didn't it? Not my fault, though.  
> Already working on the next chap ;D I'm writing on insanity level, guys! I'd like to thank Rosie, who actually called me to say she was dying to read more, and my boyfriend, who is currently my beta reader, and who made this pdf file of the fic, and put a cover on it, and a lot of cool stuff, and... Well. He made it look like an e-book haha. It looks kinda cool, actually.


	15. Afterparty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want you guys to know that I'm not usually that mean. I'm not, I swear.  
> This came out of nowhere, I have no idea how did it happen.  
> Also, this chap is unbetaed, because my beta is currently useless. He is now fangirling (and I mean fanGIRLing) all over the fic. It's ridiculous. So please, forgive me for any screw ups.  
> Once again, thanks for reading this far, I hope you guys enjoy in.  
> And be warned: this chap is MEAN. Is one of my favorites, but it's fucking mean.  
> Pleas don't hate me =X

\- Joker

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

The lights were almost all out, everybody was gone, and I was far too drunk to even care, but I waited. I waited patiently, sitting in the dark of the mess hall, cold and quiet, until she was done.

At some point, between the drinking games and the drunk conversations, I snatched up the still half full bottle of Patrón, and kept it hidden with me for later. Why? Fuck if I knew. It was shore leave, I was lit, and hell if I cared what was or wasn't appropriate to do.

So I waited.

I waited for her, because she saw me when I snatched it, and she was giving me that daring look, and she was smiling, and _purring_ , and my brain went somewhere dark and hot and sweet, somewhere it should never go to, and it hadn't come back.

So I waited.

She went to help Chakwas into her quarters, and that was forever ago, so maybe she wouldn't come back at all, or maybe she'd been gone for five minutes, and I was just kinda lost in time, but that didn't matter. Not really. It wasn't like I had anywhere to be.

I had it more or less planned out in my mind, as far as I could plan anything anyway, and I was going to take her down to engineering, empty and quiet during shore leave, and we were gonna drink the rest of that tequila, and we were gonna talk shit, and maybe at some point, if I was wasted enough, if she looked like she wouldn't shoot me for it, I would tell her.

Tell her how I thought of her in a way that no one should think about their Commanding Officers. Tell her that I liked her hair, and her eyes, and the sound of her voice. Tell her that Kaidan was a moron, and that she could do much, much better. She could do me.

I snorted at myself. _Yeah, right_.

I was pressing the bridge of my nose and thinking about how ridiculous I was, allowing my mind to go to such places just because I had a little to drink, when her hand ghosted over my arm, and I almost jumped out of my skin.

She was standing there, right beside me, her face hidden by the darkness, but I could see her eyes, and the curve of her lips, and her hair around her face, and how the fuck did she even got there? I didn't hear a thing, but then again, I was mostly numb, and I didn't really care.

She was talking to me, but the movement of her lips was so fucking distracting it took me forever to register her words.

"Waiting for something?" She said, she _purred_ , and my heart was dancing inside my chest.

I shrugged. "Just wondering if you'd like to continue the party somewhere else." I said, tipping my head towards the bottle on top of the table.

Her lips curved up even more, and her eyes were shining. "And where would that be?"

"Second best place to be inside this ship." Her eyebrows went up, and she didn't answer, and she didn't stop smiling, and even though the mess hall was kind of cold then, I was all warm inside. "Yes? No? Maybe in another life?"

She chuckled. "I'm not big on that 'another life' talk." She said, and reached out for the bottle. "And this is fucking Patrón. I can't say no to Patrón."

"So you're saying yes?" I hoped I didn't sound too excited, and that she couldn't see the grin splitting my face in two, and that time would freeze right there, because she was nodding, and she was saying yes, and I was feeling smug. "Alright. Follow me, then."

I got up, somehow, and started moving towards the elevator. My crutches felt light on my hands, or maybe I felt light over my crutches, and I was pretty sure I was overworking myself, and I would be in o whole lot of pain in the morning, but hell if I cared.

 _Hell if I cared_.

She was moving right behind me, I could feel her, warm and wobbly and a little too close, and when I looked over my shoulder, I realized she was watching my legs carefully. That should probably have offended me. Why didn't it offend me?

"You know..." She said, with a voice that sounded a lot like her sleepy voice, only lower and sexier. "You don't look very steady right now."

I chuckled. "That's because you're drunk."

She snorted. "If I am drunk then what the hell are you?"

" _Lucky_."

She gave me a look. That defiant look again, with that tricky smile, and that gleam in her eyes, and I looked away. _Nope. Not that drunk yet_.

The elevator was painfully slow, the ride was silent, her eyes were on me, and my eyes were on her, and we were both pretending not to be looking, not to be noticing, and it was all very stupid, but it was also fun. Exciting. The kind of exciting my life rarely gets.

We arrived, and the cargo hold was dark and freezing, but I could find my way around my baby even if I was brain-dead, so I just moved, and she moved with me, and as soon as we stepped into engineering, she saw it, and she made that sound, that ridiculously adorable sound of amazement, the same sound she made when she first saw the Citadel, and I felt _smug_.

So. Fucking. _Smug_.

Because that was another one of those things I had from her that nobody could take from me, another one of those moments where things were simple, and we could be ourselves, and fuck the rest of the galaxy, we didn't need them right then. And because with the ship docked, and the majority of crew out, and the drive core running with 30% of capacity, stepping into engineering was like standing out in the middle of deep space and watching a supernova burn away the ever-fading heat of its life, and the look on her face as she watched it was the highest prize a man could possibly get.

"I didn't know it could look like that." She said, no louder than a whisper, as she stepped beside me.

"Not many people do." I watched her, as she took the sight in. She was smiling, and her lips were slightly parted, and her hair looked like something supernatural, with the silver-blue-ish glow of the drive core pouring all over it.

Man, I was _so screwed_.

"So how did you?" She turned to me, and our eyes locked, and I couldn't, for the life of me, look away.

"It's my baby. I know all of her secrets." I winked at her, and then forced myself to move towards the corner of the room, to put my crutches against the wall, lower myself down and sit on the floor. "Come on, have a seat. We got a bottle of Patrón to finish."

She smiled, and then followed me, and the poor lighting of the room was turning the sway of her hips into something magnetic, hypnotic, brainwashing. "We don't have glasses." She said, as she sat down beside me, our shoulders barely touching, and handed me the tequila.

"We don't need them." I said, pulling off the cork and taking a swig straight from the bottle.

 _Gran fucking Patrón_.

It went down burning, but it tasted nice, and somewhere in my mind I decided it tasted like her. Sweet, musky, with just this little hint of wood and citrus in the end, and above it all, hot as all damn hell.

I bet it would taste good with cinnamon.

We drank in silence for a while, the bottle going back and forth between us, and sometimes, I would chance a look towards her, to watch as her eyes fluttered closed, her lips touching the bottle, and her throat working to swallow the drink. Sometimes, I would meet her eyes, and smile, and she would lick her lips before passing the bottle back to me, and the whole thing was like some fucking teenage dream.

But it was happening.

"So." She said, after an immeasurable amount of time in the most comfortable of all silences, before taking a swig and passing me the bottle. "Did you bring me here to learn all my secrets too?"

"Are you planning on being my baby?" I said, rising an eyebrow, and when I didn't see the red lights flickering inside my head, or heard the loud, panicked sirens going off in my ears at the comprehension of my words, I knew I was drunk enough. Drunk enough to say what I wanted to say. Drunk enough to, maybe, forget everything next morning.

Her reaction to that was to turn her head sharply towards me, and that seemed to be a mistake, because her head wobbled a little and she blinked several times before focusing on me again.

I took a swig. "You alright there?"

She nodded, and took the bottle from me, took a swig, looked me in the eye, her smile growing wider as she once again _purred_ : "Are you flirting with me?"

Oh, the things her voice was doing to me.

The bottle was back in my hands. "Would it be bad if I was?" Another swig, and I gave it back to her.

She narrowed her eyes. "Why aren't you answering my questions?"

Another swig.

"Why aren't you answering _mine_?"

Another swig.

"Is this another drinking game?"

Another swig.

"Do you want it to be?"

Another swig.

"Were you flirting with me?" She pressed, her smile turning into something wicked, and she took another swig.

"Would you like me to?"

Another swig.

"Aren't you with Ash or something?"

Another swig.

I rolled my eyes, snorted, shook my head, shook my entire body. _Hell fucking no!_ I knew it, I knew the _Flyboy_ thing had set her off. She was jealous. She was jealous, and I was feeling so fucking smug that my skin started to feel a little too small for me. I smirked at her.

"Aren't you with Kaidan or something?"

Another swig.

"Why do you care?"

Another swig.

"Why do _you_?"

I held the bottle, and took my time watching her. Her body was slightly turned towards me, hair tucked back behind her ears, bottom lip caught between her teeth like she was thinking something over and trying not to smile at the same time, eyes searching my face for something - a lie, a reason, an excuse, anything -, and that was when I realized.

I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to kiss her _so bad_. Just, you know, lean in and press my mouth on hers, and taste the tequila on her lips, and maybe bite them a little bit, and... _Fuck_. I wished I was drunker, far drunker than I was, because right at that moment, I just didn't have the balls to do it.

 _Fucking coward_.

"We should slow down." I said, instead. "Drinking like that, we're gonna be out of Patrón way too soon for my likings."

She smiled, almost innocent, almost like she wasn't playing the same game I was.

I looked away.

We stayed quiet for a while, sipping a bit of tequila from time to time and watching the drive core and leaning closer and closer, almost like we were relying on each other's heat to keep ourselves warm, and eventually, the fire of that stupid question game burned out and left us both bare. No more games. No more shameless, meaningless flirt. No more bullshit.

I should feel miserable, I knew that much. Maybe even a little embarrassed. I should be thinking about running away - not literally, of course. But I didn't, and I wasn't, and I didn't know why.

It did hurt, though. Just a little bit. Not the kind of pain you get from being rejected, that infuriating hollowness that you feel, but the kind of pain you get when your chest is too full, overflowing with things you can't even name, and you pray to all gods that it doesn't leak, that it doesn't pour out of your pores, because you have no idea what's gonna happen if it does.

I had no idea.

So I waited. Quietly. Slightly overwhelmed. Definitely drunk.

"Joker?" She whispered.

"Hm?"

"Tell me a secret."

I looked at her. She was doing that thing again, holding her legs against her chest, resting her head over her knees, bent in a way that made my body crack just by looking at it. She was still smiling, but it was something different then. It was a simple smile, honest, small, and yet so painfully perfect.

Why the _fuck_ was that woman so perfect? Why did she have to crawl her way into my chest, and settle herself in there, and grow on me so much, so fast, and leave space for nothing else, and get my _fucking_ panties on a _fucking_ twist over the smallest _fucking_ little things? And why, just why couldn't I _fucking hate her_ for that?

She wasn't for me. Actually, scratch that. _I_ wasn't for her. Would never be. Not broken and twisted and weak and a fucking coward like I was. No. I could have her smiles, and her honesty, and maybe this side of her that she would never show anyone else, but that's because I would never be like them. Like the guys she falls in love with. Like the people who fight with her. I would never be good enough for that.

And maybe, in the morning, I would care.

Maybe, in the morning, that would hurt.

But at that moment, I didn't, and it didn't, and you know what? Fuck everything. I decided to be what I was meant to be: the guy who could make her laugh. And I was actually accepting that just fine.

"My middle name is Andrew." I shrugged, and she chucked.

"Seriously?"

"Dead serious. Is a family name or something. At least that's what my dad says." She chuckled more, and I nudged her with my shoulder. "Your turn, Commander. Tell me a secret."

She was quiet for a moment, biting at her lip again, and then she said "I don't like being called Commander."

"What?"

She shrugged. "I just don't. It's like you're not a person anymore, you're a chess piece. Feels weird. I mean, I know I _have_ to be called Commander, as a matter of hierarchy and all but I just... I don't like it, that's all."

"Alright. I'll call you Shepard from now on, then."

"No. You know you can't." She gave me a look, and I snorted.

"I already do it a lot, and you don't even mind, woman! You try and stop me. I wanna see that happening."

She chuckle. "Alright, let's make a deal, then. You call me Commander in front of people, to keep appearances, and I'll call you Joker." I gave her a look, but she waved me off and went on. "When it's just you and me, you call me Shepard, and I'll call you Flyboy." I chuckled, and she kept going. "And whenever there's a bottle of Patrón involved, you call me Alessa and I call you Jeff. How about that?"

I grinned at her, and I meant for it to be a teasing grin, but I felt soft and warm all over, and the smile she gave me in return was the sweetest thing I've ever seen, a smile she'd never given me before, and I just really, really didn't care what I looked like.

"You're only saying that because you know there's no way in hell we're gonna be drinking this ever again." I said, picking up the bottle. "But alright. You got yourself a deal. Let's drink to make it official, _Alessa_."

She made this meow-like pleased noise to the sound of her name, and then blushed and bit her lip - once again, and fuck it, I wanted to bite it too - , and I focused on the bottle, because cute Shepard - _Alessa_ , cute _Alessa_ \- was the one Shepard I didn't want burned into my brain during working hours.

I would crash and burn and I wouldn't even care.

I took a swig, and passed the bottle to her, and she did the same.

"You know, people haven't called me by name in such a long time that it sounds almost obscene now." She chucked, and I snorted.

"Yeah, let's talk dirty, I'll say your name, and you'll talk about drive cores, and we'll both be blushing here, how about that?"

"Shut up!" She nudged me with her shoulder, and then looked up at me. "Come on, it's your turn now, Jeff."

 _My name_. She said my fucking name, and it felt so fucking wrong coming out of her lips, like she shouldn't be saying it at all, like it was a forbidden word or something, and yet I knew, I just knew, I was gonna spend a thousand credits on a fucking bottle of Patrón, just to hear her saying it again.

Because on top of being crippled, I had to be a fucking moron too. And a coward, let's not forget that.

"I... Wanted to be a pirate when I was a kid."

"Old school pirate or Batarian-like pirate?"

"Woman, who the hell would want to be like a Batarian? I mean, if the ugly face isn't enough of a downside, have you ever seen their ships?! I mean, that shit was cool, you know, two thousand years ago, in a Star Wars movie. Now it's just kind of embarrassing."

She laughed, and her shoulder touched mine, and she didn't move away, and I felt stupidly happy.

"I can't believe you actually know that shit!" She said, her eyes gleaming.

"What shit? Batarian ships?"

"Star Wars!"

"Oh, come on! I might have been a spacer kid, but I know my shit. How do _you_ know it?"

"Growing up, there was this shithole movie theater I used to sneak into. Star Wars was like the newest shit they had on exhibit."

"Well, it's better then grow up with Blasto, I'll tell you."

"The one with the Hannar Spectre?"

"Yep, that one." I made a face, and took a swig from the tequila. "To the fucked up kids growing up with that shit." I said, and passed the bottle to her. "Your turn."

"I..." She took a swig, and thought for while, and then rested her head on top of her knees again. "I never fell in love."

I blinked, and looked down to her, and she looked up to me, and I had this list of perfect things to tell her in that moment, from " _What about Golden Boy?_ " to " _What?! I thought we had something special going on here!_ ", but I just... I couldn't. I opened my mouth, and the words refused to come out.

"Welcome to the club, sister." I muttered instead.

She nodded, and went on. "I usually don't feel like I'm missing up much, you know, but then..."

"Then there are nights like this." I said, knowing all too well what she meant. "When you realize that everybody had a better life than you. And that kinda sets you off. Or, if you're me, just makes you wanna tear their eyes off and break their bones and make them listen to Asari music for eighteen hours. You know, to make things fairer."

She chuckled. "You are awful."

"Gotta live it up to my reputation."

"So there was never a _girl_?"

"Oh, there were plenty of girls. There's always a girl. It just never felt like..." _This. Like you_. "You know. I never had anything even close to Doc's story, and that was, like, a summer love, for fuck's sake! Hell, I never had anything as cool as _your_ story, for that matter. That's how shitty my love life is."

She chuckled again. "You do realize you just said my story was _cool_ and _lame_ in the same sentence, right?"

"Well, it wasn't a love story."

"True that." Her eyes went to the drive core, but she didn't move away from me, our arms now fully touching. "Do you think it will ever happen?"

"Love?"

"Yeah."

"It might. You know, my mom used to say that it might happen once, or it might happen a thousand times. It might never happen. It doesn't matter. What really matter is having people standing with you through life. People to back you up. People who care." I chuckled a little, suddenly remembering young me trying to explain to my mom why I was so bitter about love stories. "She used to say that the last time is more important than the first."

"Your mom sounds like a nice person." She was looking at me again, her eyes kinda sad, kinda sweet, and that simple smile in her lips once again.

"She was. Would have hated you, though. Dragging her boy out into the Terminus Systems like this."

"Is she the reason why you refuse to leave people behind?"

"Not people. You. Crew." I said, and meant it to sound strong, determinate, but my voice came out husky and groggy, and I shrugged, looking away. "I'm a momma's boy, I guess."

She chuckled, and leaned closer. "You're so full of shit." I snorted in response, and I couldn't bring myself to look at her at that moment, because she was so painfully close I felt like she could see right through me, like if I did look at her, she would know. "You care. You have a heart in there, don't you? Is that your biggest secret?"

"Nah."

"Come on, it's your turn. You gotta tell me."

I chuckled. "You want a big secret? I stole the _Normandy_ during the test run." I said, and she jumped a little.

 _Coward_.

 _Fucking coward_.

"You're lying."

"Am not. That's how I got this job."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"How? I mean, security didn't just let you walk in and take the ship. How did you do it?" I glanced over just to see her looking at me with big eyes and honest-to-god interest, and I smiled at her. _She finds out I'm a criminal and she's impressed. This woman is something else entirely_.

"I'm the guy with crutches. Nobody thinks the guy with crutches can be a threat. I bumped into this serviceman and took his clearance card, and then I walked in like it was just another day at work. Locked myself into the cockpit and got the ship in lockdown, set up all secondary systems for preprogrammed performance and just... Took her out for a spin." She was smiling at me, this big, excited smile, and I took a long swig of Patrón before talking again. "Half way through the course, and yes, I did the original test run course, I wasn't planning on going pirate, I just wanted to prove a point. So, half way through, this Captain who was supervising security went berserk on me and sent a fighter patrol to actually take the ship down." She gasped. "And to their credit, they tried. They really did. And if I was your average pilot, they would have managed to do it."

"But you're anything but average."

The look she was giving me was like a punch in my stomach. Not the painful part, but the shocking part. I knew that look, I've seen that look, but it was never addressed to me, not even when I was doing something really impressive. It was a look of admiration. Real admiration. The kind of look that would fit Tali's words about what I had achieved in my life.

"Damn right." I looked away again, blushing hard and pulling the brim of my hat lower to try and hide it.

"Jeff, that's illegal in about sixteen different ways." She said with awe. _Awe_ , of all things. "How did you not get court-martialed for it?"

I shrugged. "Had a Turian dude defending me. Apparently, that's all it takes. Had to take mandatory classes on military ethics though, as punishment."

"Doesn't look like it worked much. Maybe I should inform the Brass." She chuckled, and I snorted.

"But then who would take you to all the parties?"

"Good point. My turn." She was quiet for a moment, and then she reached out for her boot, taking a knife out of it. "I killed a man when I was twelve, with this knife." Her voice was neutral as she spoke, not regretful, not proud, not sad.

The knife was old. Dented. Weird looking, made of some kind of dark metal, with dark brass knuckles on the handle. Sharp, still. It suited her in an unexplainable way, like she was born with the thing attached to her hand, like it was an extension of her arm.

"Why?"

"Why did I kill him?"

"Why do you carry it?" I said, moving my eyes from the knife to her face. I wasn't about to judge her. I was aware of the stories, I heard the gossip, and I knew she lived a fucked up life before enlisting. I didn't give a shit about that.

You do what you gotta do. Sometimes it's easy, like getting up in the morning, or going to school. But sometimes it's something hard, like having to go through one day after another in excruciating pain, because what else are you supposed to do? Lie down and die? And sometimes, it's the unthinkable. Sometimes it's killing a man when you're twelve.

What was it that she said? _Surviving_.

So no, I wasn't judging. I just wondered why she was carrying it.

She gave me this curious look, and then the small smile again, and then she answered. "To remind me of how I got here. To keep me true to what I believe."

I nodded. "Sounds like a good reason." I took a swig and passed the bottle to her. "Drink up."

"You don't think I'm a psychopath or something?" She asked, half laughing, like she couldn't believe me, like she couldn't take my reaction as something real.

"I think you're nuts." I shrugged. "I mean, you brought a Krogan into the ship, you used a mining laser to take down a barrier, and may I remind you, that actually got a volcano to erupt under your feet. Let me see... Oh, yeah, you took us to a planet full of _zombies_ , and you let some random Asari chick poke at your brain. So yeah, insane, sure. Psychopath? Not so much."

She chuckled, shook her head, and finally drank the last bit of tequila in the bottle. We both stared at the at for a while, before putting it aside.

_Adiós, Patrón._

"Jeff?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Nothing. Everything. Tonight." She was staring right ahead, and I was staring right ahead, like it was a security measure, like looking into each others eyes was gonna give too much away, like we were both terrified of it. "This." She finished, resting her head on my shoulder and getting my lazy, drunken heart to race up a bit.

She was warm, and even numbed up as I was, I could smell cinnamon in her hair, and see how flawless her skin was - around the scars, that is - and how long and curved her eyelashes were, and... Fuck.

Why couldn't I man up enough to kiss her? Or be drunk enough, anyway. Instead I had to be sitting there, itching and aching and wanting, and just...

"Alessa."

"Hm?"

"Don't go drooling all over me." Because, you know, _gotta stick to the_ _comfort zones_. She chuckled, but didn't move. "Come on, get up, girl. We gotta be up and kicking when that inspection guy turns up tomorrow." She nodded, and started to get up after a long moment. "Give me a hand." I said, once it looked like she was more or less steady, because there was no way in hell I was getting up from there on my own without causing a scene. And since the local doctor was also hammered, it didn't feel like a good idea to go taking any chances.

She was actually very smooth about it. She held my hand, and then reached out to support my elbow, and with one small tug, she had me on my feet.

"Man, Chakwas is gonna have my head on a stick for this, tomorrow." I groaned, as she handed me my crutches.

"Is it hurting bad?"

"Nah. But it will. It always does, after shore leave. Alcohol gets to you, and suddenly a bar fight seems like a good idea. Next thin you know, you're in ICU, half dead. That's why I don't go to bars anymore." I said, and she laughed, and I laughed, and our eyes met, and she was so close, one arm more or less around my waist, keeping me steady while she reached out for my crutches, and I could just... "Do you wanna one last secret?"

"Yeah." She said, eyes and smile widening even more in excitement.

"I..." One beat. Two beats. _Coward_. "I think you look beautiful when you're smiling."

She blushed, looked down, looked back at me, bit her lip, smiled more. So fucking pretty... "Don't worry." She purred. "Your secret is safe with me."

 

***

 

I was dreaming. I always knew when I was, because I'm always standing straight in my dreams. No crutches, no leg braces, no wheelchairs. Just me, standing on my feet, as if they could take the weight of my body without turning into dust.

There's also no pain in my dreams. When I move, my knees never rattle, my ankles don't feel like they're about to implode, my hips don't feel stiff at all. I just move, and it's not a struggle. It's as natural as it should be.

I also never know what I'm doing, why am I even doing that, or how did I get there in the first place.

It always felt unreal, and that always made it safe.

So yeah, I knew I was dreaming.

I walked into engineering again, for some reason. Walked. With confidence, even. Solid steps. I enjoyed it, too, because I always do. That was probably the best thing about my dreams.

The room was dim, lightened only by the faint glow of the drive core, and she was there. Standing  there, by Adams' terminal, with her back to me. And I knew I was fucked as soon as I saw her, because she'd never been on my dreams before, I never _allowed_ that to happen, and because if she was there, there were only two ways that dream could possibly play out, and none of them was gonna be good for me in the end.

I moved closer, close enough that I could smell the cinnamon in her hair, close enough that she could feel me standing there. She didn't turn around, but she threw me a look over the shoulder, that daring look, with that daring smile, and I knew where that was going.

I was fucked. Completely, utterly, nine ways from Sunday fucked.

"Jeff?" She purred.

"Yeah?"

"Won't you help me take this off?"

"You sure you want that?" Because apparently, I had to be a fucking wuss even in my dreams.

"I'm always sure." She said, and her smile softened. "Don't worry, Jeff. She won't know."

 _She won't know_.

I'd love to lie and pretend I didn't know what that was about, but I did. I knew it all too well, because my dreams stopped being a mystery to me when I was around sixteen. Because it was always about finally getting something I wanted but couldn't have, or doing the things I wanted to do but weren't possible to me, or turning into the person I wanted to be but wasn't. Because they were all so ridiculously out of reach that waking up didn't even jolt me anymore.

I liked the nightmares better, to be honest.

And yeah, maybe it was self-loathing. Maybe I was hiding inside my pain and misery and missing out on life all along. But you know what? Fuck that. I'd like to see someone live my life, walk around wearing my skin, and blame me for feeling like shit all the time. I'd like to see them escaping the bitterness of their dreams, and the daily life sensation of their nightmares.

I'd like to seem them _try_.

So, yeah. _She won't know_. Not the real one.

Reassuring, I guess. Or maybe not.

So I did reach out to her, and she closed her eyes when my fingers brushed over her neck. She sighed, and that was all the encouragement I needed.

I unzipped her suit all too slowly, and she was shuddering under my touch. I took my time, enjoying the fantasy of uncovering her pale, flawless skin. Maybe she had scars - the real one, at least -, but in my dreams there were never scars. She was unmarked, untouched, unkissed.

I would take care of that, eventually.

But for the moment, I was just tugging her suit down, slowly, touching her oh-so-slightly here and there, making her sigh and shiver, baring her shoulders from all but the straps of her bra. And it wasn't even standard issue Alliance bra, that plain black stuff they make everybody wear. She was wearing something blue, cornflower blue, silky and lacy and pretty, that looked good over her skin.

I leaned in and pressed my lips on her shoulder, and she moaned my name, and once her arms were free from the suit, she used one hand to brace herself against the terminal in front of her, bringing the other one up to the back of my neck, fingers crawling up my skin, into my hair, getting rid of my hat, pulling me closer.

 _Fuck the slow pace_.

 _Fuck the calm_.

I had her flush against me then, hands tight on her hips, leaving open mouthed kisses all the way from her shoulder to the sweet spot behind her ear. She felt warm, so warm, and soft, and also small, as my hands drifted up and down her sides, feeling her muscles working under her skin, tightening and quivering with every touch.

I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around, she was suddenly naked, and panting, and looking at me with wide eyes, pupils huge with want. Her breasts were small, but not too much. Small enough to fit inside my hands, big enough to bounce when I reached down behind her thighs and lifted her to sit on the terminal. Bounce beautifully.

She yelped, and giggled, and pulled me into a kiss that was almost too much. Too good, too sweet. She had a hand pressed against my jaw, fingers scratching my beard, lips parted, all too inviting, dragging me in and reaching out at the same time. Her tongue slid tentatively against mine, exploring slowly, tasting, trying, and it felt like an electrical charge was flowing through me.

My hands found her breasts, and she moaned loudly, pulling away from the kiss, panting a little harder and letting her head fall back on her shoulders. I couldn't keep my lips away from her, and kept kissing her all over, from her chin to her collarbone, and down to her nipples, taking one after another into my mouth, sucking on them, biting a little, until she was all but convulsing in my arms, crying out my name, digging her nails into my shoulders, begging.

"I want you inside me." She breathed, and then whimpered when I slid a finger into her tight, wet heat.

Did I say wet? _Dripping_.

"Like this?" I teased, sliding a second finger in, and she moaned.

"No." She said after a moment of trying - and failing - to even her breath, but she was rocking her hips against my hand, chasing my fingers every time I slid them out. "I want more. I want all."

I chuckled, leaning in and kissing her, all the while fucking her with my fingers, and this kiss was long, deep, passionate, hard enough to get her to whimper more, and tighten more around me.

"Come for me, baby." I said, biting her lip, and then her neck, and then her ear. "Let me see you. Let me hear you."

And she did. She moaned, and screamed, and whimpered, and whined, trembling all over, until she was more or less half unconscious, and then, without letting her ride it off, I drove myself inside her, all the way in with one single thrust, and she came back alive under me, moaning and tying her legs around my hips, and pulling me in deeper.

"Harder..." She begged, and I held her thighs up, spread them wider, and thrust harder and faster and...

 

There was a bang. Loud as all fucking fuck.

Then lights.

Eyes burning.

"So, I went to Chora's Den last night." Someone was saying.

"... And then he said my hair looked nice like this..." Someone else was saying.

"Shit, I think I woke Joker up!" Someone whispered near my bunk.

Of-fucking-course.

"Yes, you fucking did, you son of motherless goat!" I growled, and that made my head hurt, but I went on. "Be fucking quiet or get the fuck outta here! For fuck's sake!"

As the room fell silent again, I tried to assess the extent of the damage.

I was hungover, lying on my stomach, which was bad, taking the pressure I'd have to put on my bones just to turn around and climb out of the bed. Said bones that were hurting already bad enough as it was. I was still fully clothed, meaning I didn't get drunk enough to strip, which was good, really. But I was also still wearing my fucking leg braces, which was not good at all.

Oh, yeah, and I had a throbbing hard-on pressed against the mattress.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

I had palpable memories of the previous night. I remembered most of the drinking games, and snatching up the bottle of Patrón. After that, I remembered the drive core, and Shepard. Her face, her voice, her head against my shoulder.

Star Wars.

The knife.

Her smile.

Then I stumbled back into the crew's quarters. And dreamed. And that, of all things, was what I remembered more vividly. All too vividly. And that was bad. That was awful.

It made me feel sick.

Okay, it made me feel good, but also sick.

Because I didn't want that memory. I didn't want that dream.

I didn't want _to want her_.

But apparently, I couldn't run away.

 _Literally and figuratively_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pleas don't hate me? >__


	16. Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everybody is hungover, Garrus is adorable, Shepard is emotionally constipated and Tali ships Shoker really hard.  
> Also, Anderson is proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am SO SORRY!  
> It's been too long.  
> In my defense, there are several reasons why I didn't update in so long. I won't bother you all with specifics, but there were health issues, births and deaths in the family, an engagement and...  
> Well, for a status update, I am currently 24 years old, unemployed, engaged, still haven't graduated from college for several reasons, and have attended to weekly therapy sessions for the past three months in order to put my life back on track.  
> Actually, I'm still working on that last part.  
> This chap was ready about two months ago, but I wasn't happy with it, and I'm still not, but my therapist convinced me to post it anyway.  
> Truth is, for the past few months, I've been telling myself over and over that this whole fanfic is a bad idea, that I should never write again, that I suck at it, that my characterization is all wrong, and that you guys probably hate me, but as it turns out, that's just my brain trying to fuck me up.  
> So I'm gonna do my best to fight it over and update more frequently. Please, bear with me for a little longer.  
> As usual, I'll be answering your messages as soon as I'm done posting.  
> Also, this chap is unbetaed, and english is not my native language, so if you spot any major fuckups on my writing, give me a heads up and I'll fix it right away.  
> Thank you all for sticking around, I hope I don't disappoint.  
> And once again, sorry.
> 
> P.S.: I'd like to give a quick shout-out to my home girl Rosie: babe, thank you so much for your support on this for the past few months. I'll never know if you really like this fic or if you're just being a good friend, but either way, thank you very very much <3

\- Garrus Vakarian

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

There was always something particularly miserable about the morning after shore leave. The hangover, the laziness, the weight of every step, every muscle, even every little thought… Everything was heavier. Louder.

Specially humans. Humans were unbelievably loud.

Shepard was very quiet, though, as she slid into the chair next to mine.

"How are you holding up?" She asked, voice low but steady, actually way more steady than I'd expect, taking how many drinks she had the night before.

"I hope that the fact that I actually managed to get my ass up here means I'm good." I muttered, and she gave me a curt nod. "How about you? You look much better then you should, you know."

She smiled at that, a tiny, tired, but honest smile. So maybe she was hungover too, but she was better at dealing with it. "I've been doing this a lot longer than you, Vakarian." She said, and winced a little when someone dropped a tray on the floor. "Guys, keep it down. There are still two hours before shore leave ends, and some people are still trying to catch some shut eye." She scolded, without raising her voice.

There were a few apologetic noises, and the mess hall went a lot quieter. Still louder than I was used to, though.

"Are humans always this loud?" I asked, and only when the words were out of my mouth I realized that what I said could come out as a very offensive racist comment.

I tensed up and waited, because that was what I always did around Shepard, or people from other species in general, really.

Even in C-Sec, I had little to none experience dealing with people who weren't Turian. A few Asaris, a couple of Salarians… Mostly races who knew their places in the galaxy, socially, politically and economically. Other species were… Frowned upon. As a child, I was taught that they were either stupid, savages, or envious of the most evolved species, so that's how I treated them my whole life.

Only to board Shepard's ship with a Krogan, a Quarian, an Asari and a bunch of humans, and realize that my lack of interspecies social skills might actually be a problem.

"I don't know, are Turians always this stuck up?" - was her answer, her voice edging with a tone that I came to recognize as annoyed. The tone she used with Joker almost all the time.

I cringed a little, my mandibles twitching. "Sorry, Shepard, I didn't mean to…"

"I know." She cut me off. She did that a lot too, like she could see inside my head. I wish I could do that. Just looking at people and figuring out what they think, and how they feel, and what to say. Instead, all I could do was beat around the bush and ask polite questions, or just say whatever came to mind and end up apologizing for hours. "Like you never mean to offend Tali, and yet somehow that's how it always ends.

I cringed even more and growled a little. "She is difficult. And she hates me." I said, and any human being, despite their capacities of observation, could notice how lame that sounded.

Actually, through the few weeks I had spent inside the Normandy, I came to learn that humans pick up on things way faster and way better than we Turians give them credit for.

Shepard sighed. "She doesn't hate you. She has trust issues about Turians, and you haven't done anything to prove her wrong. In fact, you seem to be doing quite the opposite." She winced again, when someone started rattling around the kitchen, and pressed her temple for a second before talking again, slow, a little tired, but always with the same strong intent. "You know, Garrus, you're a good guy. But it's time for you to stop acting like you're stupid. I know you're not."

I lowered my head. "It's just… Shepard, Quarian people are…"

"No." She cut me off again. Somehow, no matter how many times she did that, I couldn't bring myself to get mad at her. Which was interesting, because I was always pissed at Pallin for a lot less than that. "There are Quarian assholes. There are human assholes. There are Krogan assholes - a lot of them, I'm sure. There are all kinds of assholes around the galaxy. But guess what? There are Turian assholes out there too. In fact, we're chasing one all over the Terminus Systems right now." She turned her body towards me, her eyes sparkling up all of a sudden, and I felt like I was becoming slightly smaller as she talked. "So get over your bullshit, Garrus. Tali is not her people, I'm not mine, you're not yours. If you wanna be out there and make a difference, then it's time for you to figure out your own point of view on things. Start seeing people for what they are, and not for what someone taught you they should be. If you don't, there'll always be someone jerking you around, stopping you from doing the right thing when it matters. It's a different kind of red tape, but it's red tape all the same, and isn't that what you're trying to get away from?"

I found myself suddenly incapable of speaking.

She was right. She was so _painfully right_ it made me think about my father, telling me that to admit yourself wrong, you have to be incredibly brave.

I couldn't say the words.

I nodded instead.

She nodded back.

"Just give them a chance, Garrus. Give us all a chance." She said, getting up as the mess hall emptied. She gave me another small smile and asked: "You need anything? For the hangover?"

I shook my head. "No." I managed, a little strained. "I'm good."

"Okay. I'll see you around." She turned, waving her hand at me, and disappeared towards the kitchen, and I was left with the feeling that my stomach had dropped all the way down to my feet.

She was right. She was _so right_.

 

\- Alessa Shepard

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

I looked over my shoulder a dozen times before climbing the counter and reaching up to the vent.

Inside I kept this metal box with my personal stash of not-so-much-Alliance-standard goods: a box of Oreos, a bag of marshmallows, Gummy Bears, a can of vanilla pudding, Spanish pepper chocolate, a handful of mint gum, a jar of peanut butter, spray cheese - cheddar and bacon, because _why the hell not_ -, a can of Pringles, a flask of this crazy Batarian drink that could make you see things - the _don't-say-it-don't-ask-questions_ kind of stuff, really - and… Brazilian coffee. Grains, not powder. The strongest coffee in the galaxy. And pricy as hell too.

Funny. You'd expect an orphan kid right out of the streets to have a simpler taste for food, but no, my favorite things in all known universe were either rare, pricy or illegal, and sometimes - in some corners of the galaxy - all three at once. Also, they were mostly things from… Home. Earth. Despite all the bad memories I had from there, I still considered it my home. Sort of.

Sentimental crap.

I brushed it aside and looked over my shoulder a couple more times before starting to prepare my coffee. With an inspection scheduled to begin in a couple of hours, a few more meetings and C-Sec protocols to go through, and the very unkind headache I had from drinking too much tequila, I was going to need _a lot_ of coffee.

And then I remembered Joker.

Vaguely, just that blurry memory of him waiting in the dark with the bottle of Patrón. Then his face - the part of his face I could see under that damn hat, the beard, the thin lips curved up in the smallest, sweetest, more honest of all smiles I've ever seen - lightened blue by the faint glow of the drive core. His shoulders, harder than I guessed they could be, small but firm muscles working under his skin. His eyes, pale green - almost blue -, going from small and cynical to big and dreamy.

I remembered a few words too, scattered all over. Some mine, some his, some unknown.

 

_Did you bring me here to learn all my secrets?_

_Would it be bad if I was?_

_Do you want it to be?_

_Would you like me to?_

_We should slow down._

_Tell me a secret._

_I never fell in love._

_It wasn't a love story._

_The last time is more important than the first._

_You have a heart in there, don't you?_

_I stole the Normandy once._

_You're anything but average._

_Who would take you to all the parties?_

_I killed a man with this knife._

_Thank you._

_You look beautiful when you're smiling._

_Your secret is safe with me._

 

Did all of that really happen? I couldn't make out the specifics, my memory was drowning deeper in the alcohol haze, and a massive headache washed over me when I pushed myself further, so I decided to drop the whole thing instead.

Focus on the coffee.

Only I had made a little too much coffee, while letting my mind wander off around last night events.

Coffee enough for two.

_Might as well._

So a couple of minutes later, metal box safely hidden back into the vent, two white mugs filled with steaming hot brazilian coffee in my hands, I snuck out of the kitchen, glancing around to make sure nobody would see me.

Garrus was still sitting on the mess hall, looking miserable after I told him to grow up and out of his Turian bullshit and start being nice to other people. Tali was sitting by his side, also very miserable, head hanging low, shoulders slightly slumped, and yeah, definitely hungover.

It looked like they were talking, very quietly which could be a progress, or maybe just the usual feeling of kinship you get for someone that looks exactly how you feel in the morning after shore leave. Either way, I took it as a good thing.

Also, they were distracted with each other, so they didn't see me smuggling coffee out of the kitchen.

The corridors of the ship were still empty, so my way up to the cockpit was uneventful. I knew Joker would be there because, well, _he was Joker_. He'd always be there. But also because I overheard someone saying it was safe to go back to the crew's quarters because Joker was up in the cockpit already.

He was muttering something when I walked in, and stopped suddenly, because as usual, he heard me come in, somehow.

"If you say good morning, I might just throw something at you." He said, grumpy as all hell, as I stood beside his chair, voice slightly raspy, hat pulled low over his head, eyes glued to the screen and hands moving a little stiffly. He looked awfully pale too, and his beard was kinda messy, and I could see a hint of dark circles around his eyes.

"Damn. You look how I feel." I said, because he did.

The only reason why I didn't look like shit myself was because of makeup, the little bit of it I had to put on every morning, because my N7-adviser told me once that nobody would take me seriously if, on top of being a miniature and a ginger, I also had freckles all over my face. Which I have, by the way. Not too much, really, but apparently enough to make me less respectable.

But makeup aside, I was a walking disaster. My legs and arms weighted a ton, my head felt like it had been run over by a Krogan platoon, my mouth was dry and my eyes were heavy and burning a little.

On the bright side I didn't have a single nightmare that night.

"I look how _I_ feel." He snorted, and tilted his head up to look at me, and then gave me this overly dramatic eye roll. "Oh, for fuck's sake. How can you be hungover looking like..." He waved his hand on my general direction. " _This_?

"Like what?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Like..." He frowned. "Good."

I chuckled at that, and he looked away. "It was part of my training, you know. How to look competent while being hungover."

"Yeah, right." He scoffed, looking back to his console.

"Come on, cheer up, Flyboy. I got you a little something." I say, shoving one of the mugs in front of him.

It took him two beats to realize what was going on: one beat to zoom in on the mug and register its existence, and another to acknowledge its content. After that, his eyes went wide, eyebrows high, and a boyish smile broke into his lips - without his consent, I was pretty sure.

"Is that... _Coffee_?"

"Yup."

"We don't have coffee in this ship."

"I'm aware of that."

"Then _where the hell_ did you get that?"

"Just take it already." I rolled my eyes at him. "I figured, since you got us the booze, I should get something to soften the hangover." I shrugged, and smiled, and he smiled right back at me, an honest-to-god-grateful-kinda-sweet-kinda-cute smile, and I felt suddenly very proud of myself.

_See? I can surprise you too, Flyboy._

He was almost hesitant as he raised his hand to get the mug, but that boyish smile was still there, and when he took the first sip and actually groaned, I smiled at myself, and sat down on the copilot's seat.

"I don't think I've ever had anything this strong in my whole life." He said, eyes closed, just inhaling the steam. I watched him as his skin gained some color, while he licked his lips and pressed them together trying to conceal the smile that kept coming back.

"Too strong?"

"Are you shitting me? This is heaven!" He took another sip, and his demeanor went from pained to relaxed in the blink of an eye.

"It may or may not be Brazilian stuff." I said casually, relaxing a lot myself.

Being around Joker was usually very comfortable, but in the past few days, it became something like an escape. Like staying around him was my way to step away from real life, duty, obligations and all and just... Breathe. Be real. Just for a little bit.

If felt nice that I could tell him stuff and he wouldn't judge me for it, or give me a look or anything.

It felt nice to just let go.

"Okay, that's it." He pointed a finger at me "You and Doc are totally hooking me up with these smugglers of yours."

"Not happening." I said, and grinned at him. "I gotta have something to bribe you with, you know."

"I guess that's fair." He shrugged, and I felt slightly smug. He was giving in that easy? Or maybe the idea of sharing breakfast was more appealing than just having your own coffee whenever you want? I didn't know, really, but either way, it felt a little like a victory. "But we gotta get to Doc's guy, though, because seriously, best tequila in the galaxy."

"It is. But I don't think we can afford to get drunk like that very often. We kinda look like shit right now, and we still got work to do." I shrugged.

" _I_ look like shit. You look _offensively_ okay." He gestured towards me, looking indeed very offended, and I chuckled. Flattering. Even if it was Joker's unique, slightly rude, kind of flatter.

_You look beautiful when you're smiling._

I winced a little bit, with the headache that came with remembering the way he looked almost sad as he said that, with a smile that didn't reach his eyes, and his eyes were so intense at that moment, and he was almost a head taller than me - had he always been that tall? - but not too tall that I couldn't just get on my tiptoes and...

"Besides" He continued, dragging me out of my head, trademark shit-eating grin on his face. "Who is gonna call you by name, then?" He looked away from me and pulled the hat low on his head. _So that part did happen_. "I don't trust Golden Boy to do it, you know. You guys gonna be at it like bunnies and he'll still be calling you Commander."

_Aren't you with Kaidan or something?_

Did that happen?

I winced again. And groaned. And blushed, but I lowered my head to hide it with hair. "Don't make me regret sharing the good stuff with you, Flyboy."

He chuckled, and we both fell silent, just enjoying the coffee for a while.

Inside my head, I was half trying to remember things from the previous night and half trying to forget about them. It felt like a secret, like something I had to protect, but it also felt like I was running away from it, and I didn't want to.

It was a good night. I should remember it.

I had a clear memory of the drinking games, of all the bottles we put down, of saying goodnight to everyone, but that's when it started to get confusing. I laughed about something with Ash, right before she left to bunk down. Something about Kaidan?

 

_Are you being serious about this? Because I don't think you are. I mean, is cute, you know. But he's just not your kinda guy. He can't possibly be._

 

Whatever that meant.

Then I dragged Chakwas into the med bay. She was half passed out already, but still talking. We talked. About...

 

_I notice things, Shepard. I notice you. I noticed it from the very beginning._

_I don't know what you're talking about, Doc._

_Yes, you do. You just don't understand. You refuse to acknowledge. But it will come crushing down on you at some point, darling. It always does_

_._

Then I went back into the mess hall. From there, things got more blurry. Talking to Joker, then going down to engineering, the drive core looking like a dying star, the cold, the leathery-woodsy scent on his clothes as I leaned closer, slightly mixed with the smell of booze, the little secrets...

 

_My middle name is Andrew._

_I wanted to be a pirate._

_Growing up, there was this shithole movie theater I used to sneak into. Star Wars was like the newest shit they had on exhibit._

_I never fell in love._

 

Wait, who said that? Was it me?

 

_So there was never a girl?_

_Oh, there were plenty of girls. There's always a girl._

_What really matter is having people standing with you through life. People to back you up. People who care._

_Is that the reason why you refuse to leave people behind?_

_Not people. You._

 

He would stand with me. He wouldn't leave me behind.

I felt a weird tightness inside my chest, coiling everything in tiny little knots, too many of them, and suddenly I was having a hard time finding space for air inside my lungs. I was doing my best to hide it, to control it, but it felt weird. I felt weird. Everything felt weird.

 

_You're so full of shit._

_I stole the Normandy once. That's how I got this job._

_You're anything but average._

_Had to take mandatory classes on military ethics._

_Doesn't look like it worked much._

_But then who would take you to all the parties?_

 

His face, as he said that. The way he looked at me. I had never seen it before, but it felt familiar. So familiar.

 

_I killed a man when I was twelve, with this knife._

 

I told him that. He didn't care.

 

_Why do you carry it?_

_To remind me of how I got here. To keep me true to what I believe._

_You don't think I'm a psychopath?_

_I think you're nuts._

 

We made a deal.

 

_Alessa._

_Jeff._

 

I leaned closer.

He smelled good.

 

_Is it hurting bad?_

_Nah. But it will. It always does._

_Do you wanna hear one last secret?_

 

Right then, his eyes, his lips... I thought about something, had the picture perfectly drawn inside my head.

Tiptoes. Hands. Lips.

I could just...

 _NO_.

I was confusing things.

I liked Kaidan. I did.

_I did._

"Shepard?" Joker's voice called me back once again, and I turned my head towards him. He was giving me a side look, something in between suspicious and concerned. "You alright there?"

"Headache." I said, realizing I was breathing hard. "I told you I feel like shit."

He nodded, just one curt nod, and put his mug over the console, bending a little to the side to pick something in one of his pockets.

_It's okay. I'm okay. I'm just hungover._

"Here." He tossed me a white bottle. "It's vitamin B. Take one and drink your coffee and you'll feel better soon enough. You should stop by to see Chakwas, though. Did you have any nightmares?"

I shook my head, the tightness in my chest getting worse.

God, what were all those _feelings_? Maybe Joker was right. Maybe that Asari in Feros broke my brain.

"Hm. It's probably just the hangover, then. I was pretty messed up when I got up. Couldn't tell top from bottom."

"Do you remember everything from last night?" I asked, before I could think it over.

He narrowed his eyes at me and answered very slowly. "Mostly. Why?"

"Just wondering." I took one of the yellow pills from the bottle he handled me, as an excuse to look away from him. It happened the previous night too, I realized. I got upset over something silly, Ash calling him Flyboy, and then I couldn't look him in the eye. Yeah, it was the alcohol. _Definitely_ the alcohol. It would wear off, eventually. "Do you remember telling me you stole the Normandy?"

He gave me a tiny smile. A new smile. Something like a secret, and I found myself doing the same, tightness inside my chest giving way to something warm. "Yep. Also remember about the..." He pointed at my boot, and I nodded. The knife. And he still didn't look like he cared. "And the shitty movie theater where you watched Star Wars."

"And I remember your pirate dreams. And your middle name." I smiled, and he groaned, but he was smiling too.

"Of all things to remember." He rolled his eyes dramatically again. "You know, if we both remember that much, then we're probably doing the whole drinking thing wrong."

I chuckled, and he looked away, but there was this gleam in his eyes, this tug in his lips, like he was really pleased with himself, like he...

_You look beautiful when you're smiling_

It made the knots inside my chest go loose, and then coil up again, but it didn't feel bad. If felt tight, full, like there were too many things inside, and they didn't quite fit, but it was... It was okay. It was alright.

I took one last swig, finishing my coffee, and gave him a big smile, not trying to hide any of it. I didn't have to overthink stuff. It didn't have to be confusing. It just had to be what it was. A person I cared about, and who cared about me.

A person who liked to make me smile.

"Nah, I think we did just fine." He glanced at me from the corner of his eye as I pushed myself up from the chair, smiling slightly broader, and I went on. "I had fun. Actually, for someone who claims to be not sociable at all, you turned out to be a great drinking buddy."

"Hey, don't go spreading slander around. I got a reputation to keep." He gave me an annoyed look that didn't look annoyed at all.

"Oh, don't worry. Your secret is safe with me." I winked, and walked away as fast as I could, without seeing his reaction, and without him seeing the blush creeping its way up my face.

It was silly. Embarrassing. Almost childish. Still kind of confusing.

But it was okay. As long as it was Joker, it was okay.

 

\- Tali'Zorah nar Rayya

 

( _2183 - SSV Normandy_ )

Whoever decided that drinking was a good way of bonding was an asshole.

I mean, the drinking part was fun.

Doctor Chakwas said the most hilarious things, and Wrex - who'd ever guess I'd make friends with a Krogan, of all creatures - made the best opportunity jokes ever, and Liara and the humans - or at least Adams, Alenko and Williams - wouldn't get it, so the rest of us would be laughing and they'd be looking at us like we had Batarian's heads coming out of our shoulders, and Shepard got really witty when she was drunk, and she'd laugh wholeheartedly, and the sound of it was really nice to hear.

Drunk Joker was like normal Joker, but ten times worse. It was cool, I liked him like that, but he made people ten times more uncomfortable. And he had some sort of weird human game going on with Shepard, I guessed, because they kept talking and looking at each other the way Quarian people do when they're married and linking their suits for their moments of intimacy.

Not that I've ever done it. Or seen it. I didn't. I just...

Well, girls gotta have their fun.

The part that wasn't really that fun was Garrus. Aside from being Turian, which I didn't like one bit, there was the fact that whenever he opened his mouth, I would have this unbearable urge to knock his head against the wall or something. The guy was like a machine gun, but instead of bullets, he would spit out a lot of racist crap. Like Turians were the highest shit in the galaxy.

He was downright infuriating.

But even he had his fun moments. Or maybe I was just _that_ drunk.

Anyway, drinking wasn't really a problem. Waking up the next morning, however, was as far from fun as it gets.

Getting out of my bunk was a battle on its own, with my head spinning, a churning stomach making revolting flips, and my sense of balance all messed up. On my way from the quarters to the mess hall, I was very close to passing out more than once, and almost threw up three times. Inside my suit. Which was probably the grossest and more embarrassing thing that could happen to me in life.

Aside from the sickness, there was the noise. Everything was loud, and I mean, everything. The air passing through the vents was loud, the quiet and usually very distant sound of the drive core was as loud as an old mechanical engine system, and the humans... Keelah, the humans sounded like a broken alarm system that you can't shut off.

Luckily, when I finally managed to get to the mess hall - without major gross incidents - they were all retreating to their quarters, leaving only Garrus for me to deal with. That, by the look on his face, shouldn't be so hard. He looked shittier than ever, which is outstanding, taken Turians look shitty on a regular basis.

Besides, I'd had too much trouble getting there to just turn around and go back to my bunk.

He had a mug in front of him, with something blue-ish inside, and was staring intently at it. I thought about sitting as far away from him as possible, but that would take a whole other lot of moving, and I wasn't about to try my luck in the throwing up matter. So, instead of going around the table, I just went straight to the closest seat I could get, which was just by his side.

Lucky me.

He didn't notice me there until I was standing right beside him. He looked up from his mug and into my face, and I could see just how miserable he looked: his face was kinda green, his eyes opaque, shoulders slightly low, and he didn't even have the energy to give me his usual suspicious look. Instead, he just stared, with big, sad, pale blue eyes.

The moment became kinda awkward really fast, we staring at each other, not moving, not talking, not doing anything at all... I expected him to say something, some stupid thing that would make me remember why I disliked him so much, as he always did, but he just looked at me, and he seemed slightly lost, kinda like a kid, and I felt a bit uncomfortable.

I shifted on my feet a little, before deciding to go for a conversation, all the while thinking that when I got back to the Flotilla, I'd teach kids going on their Pilgrimage that drinking outside your home ship is bad. It might not seem like that while you're doing it, but you just wait until the next morning...

"I'm just wondering if there is any way of pulling the chair without making noise enough to wake up the dead." I said, quietly, after clearing my throat, and when he didn't answer, I figured he probably didn't listen to me. Being quiet while wearing a helmet can be very tricky.

I was ready to repeat the whole thing, which would totally blow the attempt of being witty and all, when he turned around a little and pulled the chair for me, with no rustle at all.

"Hungover too, I presume." He said, his voice low and quiet and downright miserable, as I sat beside him. I nodded and sighed, feeling suddenly grateful for the invention of cushioned seats, and I just let myself sink into the whole penury of being, indeed, hungover.

"Drinking. Is. Bad." I grunted after a while. "Is it just me or does this ship sound like a market for some reason today?"

He didn't answer for a second, but then he nodded. "It's loud. Everything is loud. Especially... Non-dextro people."

"Yeah, I noticed that. I wonder if their head doesn't hurt with the noise." I gave him a side look. He wasn't reacting much that day. "You're felling as shitty as I am, then?"

"Probably worse."

Of course. Because he had to win on everything. Like, even when it came to who was feeling the worse. "Excuse me?" I said, a little louder then I intended, and we both winced and slumped a little on our seats.

"No, that's not what I meant." He said, hurriedly, and then sighed and shrank a little. "It's just... I just got scolded."

"By who? Shepard?" I asked, wondering if there was anyone else who could effectively call him out on his bullshit. He nodded, and I felt like laughing, but just the thought of it made my head hurt, so I settled for asking: "Why did she scold you?"

"I unintentionally made a racist comment." His voice came out exasperated, and I sighed. _News flash, dude_.

"Unintentionally?" I almost laughed.

He gave me a look, then sighed one more time and pressed his talons - or whatever that is - to the sides of his face. "I don't do it on purpose. I just... It's hard. I'm not good at dealing with other species in general, but in here..." He made a circular move with his hand, meaning the ship, I guessed. The movement was ridiculously contained, though, like he was afraid of moving too much and breaking something. "In here, everything is different. People are different. I don't know what to say, or how to say it. And then it comes out harsh, but if you were Turian, it'd be just..."

"Normal?" I smiled. Thankfully, he couldn't see it. What was I doing, being nice to the Turian douchebag?

"Precisely."

Well, I could understand that, in some level. Like how I had to slow down my pace when talking tech because everyone aside from Adams couldn't keep up. What I couldn't understand was why he couldn't just adapt. Was he an old fashioned machine, with only one program and nothing else?

"Aren't you glad we're not, though?" I said, after a moment. "Because Turians didn't back you up against Saren. We... Well, Shepard did." He gave me a curt nod as an answer, and kept starring at his mug. It could mean a lot of things. It could mean he had a raging headache like I did, or that he was aware he was a jerk, or that was he finally getting some sense into his head, or even that he just didn't want to say anything, for the first time in his life, probably, but somehow, I felt like he was... Hurt. So, against my better judgment, I asked: "Are you alright?"

Another nod. "I just don't know how to do it."

"Practice." I shrugged.

He stayed quiet for a moment, and then looked at me, right at my face - well, helmet - and said: "You hate me, don't you?"

"Uh... What?" _No, seriously, what?_

"You do. I get it. I'm, uh, sorry."  He looked back to the mug, his stiff shoulders sinking, and once again I felt blissful to be wearing the helmet, because that apology left me open mouthed.

"Well, it's not that I hate you. I just don't particularly like you." He sighed, and I sighed. "Don't take it personally. It just that your people chased me all over the galaxy, shot at me, killed my friends and almost killed me too." I muttered. "And yet, here I am, sitting with you, so you should take it as a win. I reserve myself the right to change my mind in the future. About you, I mean."

He looked at me and kind of smiled and then looked back at his mug. After a moment, he handed it to me.

"It's dextro coffee." He said, without looking my way at all. "It'll help with the hangover."

 

***

 

As it turned out, the dextro coffee did help.

Ten minutes later, when Liara came to the mess hall to have her breakfast, we were already well enough to beat a retreat, so Garrus made up an excuse about calibrations and the Mako, and I pretended to get a message from Joker and headed up to the cockpit.

It was a good plan. Joker would be either grumpy and very quiet, or happy and talkative, and I could probably handle both scenarios. Actually, I'd take a grumpy Joker over Liara anytime. And it wasn't like I disliked Asaris as a whole. I found them weird, but kind of amazing. No, my problem was with Liara in particular. I couldn't decide if she was really dense, or if she was just trying to make everybody else feel very uncomfortable.

So, I had just reached a very empty CIC, still thinking about how weird Liara was, when I caught the fading sound of friendly conversation. With Shepard. Coming from Joker's lair.

Now, had it been anywhere else, and anyone else, I would probably not even notice the conversation to begin with. But it was Commander Bad Ass and Lieutenant Bosh'tet, on the cockpit, where it's usually very private, so of course I found it very strange.

And they were laughing.

 _Laughing_.

I stopped dead on my tracks, wondering just how hungover I was - because that had to be a hallucination, right - and also trying to hear what they were talking about.

"I had fun." Shepard was saying, her voice low, but I could hear the smile in it. I didn't think she was capable of speaking like that, actually. "Actually, for someone who claims to be not sociable at all, you turned out to be a great drinking buddy."

"Hey, don't go spreading slander around. I got a reputation to keep." He said, and he was definitely smiling too.

"Oh, don't worry. Your secret is safe with me." And with that, she came walking out towards the CIC.

I hurried back into movement, feeling _yet again_ satisfied that my face was hidden by the helmet, because boy, was I gaping.

Now, I didn't exactly understand the dynamics of human relationships, but I wasn't stupid either. That could be a flirting game for Shepard, maybe, since she was supposedly all over Alenko, but Joker? Joker wasn't the kind to fool around with things like that, no matter what people thought or said about him.

I mean, he sure looked the part, all sarcasm and dark humor, making fun of rules, of people, of problems and what more, but he couldn't fool me. Not since he went out of his way to make me feel better about the mission, and the ship, and being alone, and missing home. Not since he told me about his sister, and I realized - even though he didn't quite say it - that he was treating me like he would treat her. That's something no jackass would ever do. To let someone in like that, to the point of letting them see the honest part of him... He meant it. He had to. You can't fake that kind of thing.

And that meant he wasn't faking with Shepard either.

Oh, that made things so much clearer.

She was halfway into the CIC when we almost bumped into each other. Her face was as stolid as ever as she nodded me good morning, but there was this lightness about her eyes, a hidden spark, and she looked suddenly younger, weightless, and nowhere near hungover.

"Commander."

"How are you doing, Tali?" She asked, voice low and offensively steady for someone who drank as much as she did.

"I am... Vertical, so that's a win, right?" I said, and she nodded, the corners of her lips twitching a bit. "Garrus shared his dextro coffee, so I'm feeling a lot better than I was when I woke up."

"Did he now? And how did that go?" She asked, raising an eyebrow, and I smiled to myself, because even then, her expression was still very at ease.

"Not as bad as usual, I guess? That guy is... Difficult."

"He is. But he's also a good guy, and a great soldier. Try and give him a chance, okay?"

"Will do, Commander." I nodded, and she patted me on the shoulder.

"I'll see you around." She said, walking towards the stairs.

I smiled to myself, watching as she walked away, all her demeanor fresh and relaxed, just this tiny little bit, just enough for one to notice, if they're looking really hard. And it was because of Joker.

As I walked into the cockpit, I didn't need Joker to look at me to see he was in a good mood.

"Good morning, kid." He said, a little loud, and even as he held his head low, hat pulled down to cover his eyes, I could still see a faint blush on his face, and a persistent smirk that kept trying to break through, and oh, they were in love.

They were _so_ in love.

Had I been not hungover, I would probably start hopping around. But I was, and I didn't. I sat on the copilot's seat instead, and stayed quiet, smiling to myself.

Okay, sure, the whole thing was utterly confusing. Joker liking her but pretending he didn't, and Shepard liking Joker but pretending she liked Kaidan? What the hell?

But then again, I could more or less see why they would act like that. Joker, despite pretending not to care about it at all, was quite conscious about his physical condition. He despised any kind of sympathy and would backlash at anyone who dared to step into his comfort zone, and the few people who didn't retreat when faced with his bullshit, well... I guessed he just didn't want to compromise a friendly relationship by getting all romantic, maybe?

Or maybe he didn't think he deserved it.

Which was bullshit.

As for Shepard, she was... Weird. She was the kind of soldier you put in a recruitment poster, all heroics and fighting spirit, more at home in the battlefield than she'd be anywhere else, but she was also... Kind of rebellious? Like, recruiting random aliens to an all human crew, and rolling her eyes at the human ambassador, and downright challenging/threatening the Council into making her a Spectre, and shooting a civilian because he was an ass and was plotting to purge a whole colony... Maybe she went for the nice-heroic-by-the-books kind of guy to compensate for her wild side?

It didn't make sense to me, but then again, I wasn't human. I bet they would find Quarian romantic drama to be also very confusing. So I decided to let them be, and watch them closely.

It would be fun.

Right?

 

\- David Anderson

 

( _2183 - Citadel_ )

"That kid of yours is extremely disrespectful, do you know that?" Mikhailovich, Rear Admiral of the fifth, barged into Udina's office yelling at me, and I didn't have to ask to know who he was talking about.

I sighed, feeling extremely grateful that Udina himself wasn't present for the scene. He already disliked Shepard as it was, he didn't need some tight ass Admiral to throw more fuel into his hatred.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, Admiral, since I have no kids whatsoever." I said, politely, because god knows that in situations like that, is better to remain calm and let the other part talk it off. If you give them enough rope, they might just hang themselves, and that's usually the best way to work around that kind of problem.

"Don't play dumb with me, Captain! I'm talking about Commander Shepard!" He slammed his fist on Udina's table, and I raised and eyebrow.

"Is that so? I didn't know the Commander was in the Citadel." I sat back, crossing my hands in front of me.

"Oh, she is. She..." He grunted, and hit the table again, and I got slightly worried. What did Shepard do to get him that pissed off? I mean, she could be aggressive and sometimes seriously infuriating, but it wasn't a habit of hers to go around crossing superior officers for no good reason. "The little brat forced me to postpone an inspection on that overly expensive tin can of hers, claiming that as Spectre, she does not serve under me, and is only obligated to respond directly to Admiral Hackett himself! Can you believe that?"

Oh. So the problem was that he was trying to bully his way into her ship, and she was not having any of it. "May I ask, Admiral, what is the nature of this sudden inspection?" I asked, trying not to sound too partial. "Because, as you are aware, there is a 24 hours period of warning before you can actually walk into somebody else's ship for an inspection, unless you are yourself the commanding officer of the fleet."

He gritted his teeth at me. "She has Aliens inside that ship, Captain! That technology is ours, and she is letting them inside to temper with it and..."

"I honestly hope you are not expecting me to condone with such a racist argument, Admiral, because even if I shared your point of view, which I don't, as a Spectre officially under Council orders, Shepard cannot be seen displaying such racist behavior. It would taint both hers and the Alliance's reputation." I said, sternly.

He gritted his teeth even more, but said nothing. He paced up and down for a while, and then hit the table again. Well, it was Udina's table, so I didn't as much as care. "When I tried to tell her that the ship's design was not practical and the drive core was too expensive, she all but called me an amateur, and said I had limited vision!"

_Oh god. Do not laugh. Do not laugh._

"Well, that is rather disrespectful, I guess." I said, with a monotone and a perfectly straight face that I was doing my best to keep.

"You think!?!" He paced around again. "She is out of control, Captain, she pulled rank at me, dared to say to my face that she was the commanding officer of the ship, and she decided who could and couldn't join! She quoted regs at me!"

Oh, I could see it clear as day, Shepard with half his height, hair loose and messy and an annoyed look on her face, putting an Admiral on his place, because she was not having any of his shit. I probably should have been concerned, but all I could feel was pride. That tiny kid I scouted myself for the N-program... She'd come a long way.

"Well, Admiral, I believe you should probably write a report to the High Command, then. Of course, Admiral Hackett might be a little curious on the motive for your inspection, and he might want to know why were you so eager to go over regs to get inside the ship, but I'm pretty sure he'll understand your reasoning."

I bit the insides of my mouth in order to remain as impassive as possible, but apparently, it wasn't enough, because he narrowed his eyes at me and made this sort of grunting noise, that only made me want to laugh even more.

"You are making fun of me!" He slammed the table yet again. "You and that little...! I'll have you know I will write a report! I'll report her, and you, and this whole scheme the both of you have going on in here! I will not stand that kind of disrespect!" He yelled as he stormed off.

Once the door had closed behind him, I allowed myself to laugh the whole thing off. God, the kind of people we meet around the galaxy...

Later, I sent an email to Hackett, to let him know what was coming his way. He responded me with one very simple, very honest sentence that made me chuckle a little, and deeply miss the old days.

 

_From: Steven Hackett_

_Re: Mikhailovich._

_Sometimes I wonder how these people even get to the position they're at._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm already halfway through with the next chapter, guys, so it should be out in about a week or so, taking I'm writing very slowly.  
> Anyways, I hope you guys have enjoyed it!


	17. Burning Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everybody is badass and Liara is getting the hang of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided I'll only say sorry once this time, or else I'm never gonna stop apologizing.  
> Soooo... I'm so sorry, you guys, for the long wait. It's all my fault, I am painfully stubborn, and I had decided that I was gonna make this chap on Liara's POV - which did not work, btw - so I kept trying and trying, and I actually started over from scratch three times before abandoning that idea all together and starting the final version I now present to you. I really hope you like it.
> 
> As usual, I'll be answering your messages once I'm done posting, which might actually be tomorrow morning, because is really late right now, and I just realized I am dead tired. But I'd like to thank you all in advance, because it feels really nice to come here and see you guys have left me messages. I don't mean to sound needy or anything, but as a (wannabe) writer, if feels really rewarding to know you're all reading this and actually enjoying it, so thank you all so much for that.  
> Also, this chap is unbetaed (yet again. I really do need to find a beta reader that will not murder me because of my insecurities), so if you spot any major fuckups on my writing, give me a heads up and I'll fix it right away.  
> Thank you all for sticking around, I hope you enjoy it!

\- Wrex

 

( _2183 - Noveria_ )

"I wish we had brought Garrus along instead of her." Tali sighed, as Shepard pulled the Asari out of a fountain she'd been thrown into. I didn't say it, but I agreed.

"At least he can shoot straight." I told her, and she chuckled.

We were ducked behind a table, being shot at, while in the middle of yet another pointless errand, and the Asari kid was with us. She managed to hold her shit together for the total amount of five minutes, before getting shot, then thrown off of a balcony and into a fountain. Her biotics were indeed pretty good, but she didn't have enough experience to put them to use in battle.

Shepard was protective of the kid, for some reason, though. She didn't like the idea of bringing her into battle, but agreed nevertheless, and told us to keep an eye out for the Asari.

"Make sure she doesn't get blown up." She told us, as we waited for the kid to suit up.

"This is not a good idea, Shepard. I reckon she has strong enough biotics on her, but she's pretty useless at everything else. It's not like we can babysit while in the middle of a mission, you know that better than anyone." I told her, and Tali agreed with a nod.

"Besides" She said, quietly "She's very odd."

"I know." Shepard rolled her eyes at us. "But fair is fair. I helped you find your family armor…" She said, pointing a finger at me, and then moved on to Tali "And we're gathering data on the Geth for you to take back home. So if Liara wants to see her mother, we'll take her there."

Well, there was that.

So that's how we found ourselves out into this frozen piece of rock - Noveria, they called it - with a bunch of overly conceited dickheads that believed to be better than everyone else in the galaxy. Not surprisingly, the majority of them were Turian, Asari and Salarian. Nobody was willing to provide information, and we couldn't even beat the shit out of them for it, because of local policy and shit. So we were stuck kissing ass instead.

Needless to say that the moment people started shooting at us turned out to be the best moment of my day so far.

"So, who exactly is shooting at us this time?" Tali asked, peeking over the table and landing a solid shot right in the middle of a human's chest.

"Local security, I guess." I mumbled, warping the armor of a human who was aiming for her head. "Don't know, don't care. I'm having a hard time following who is paying who to do what, so I'm just gonna shoot at whoever is shooting at me."

She sighed, and popped up again, delivering yet another well placed shot. The Quarian kid was weak, yeah, but she certainly knew how to work her way around that. Good aim, very observant of everything that moved, and also very quick with her omnitool, so that the first thing to ever happen when she was around was that all shields would go down.

"It's funny, because I'm pretty sure that woman we just met by the door told us that she would pretend she didn't see us."

"I guess she forgot to warn the rest of her squad. Heh." I changed the thermal clip on my shotgun and looked over the table, spotting one last human hiding around the corner. "Is that the last one?" I asked, and she shrugged.

"I think so."

"Does she still have shields on?"

"No, I took them down."

"Good, then hold this for a second." I threw my shotgun on her lap, jumped over the table and charged towards the human, growling.

It's a funny thing, the despair humans can show on their faces when there's a Krogan full on charging at them. She emptied a whole clip on my shields, eyes wide, screaming and backing up against the wall, and when that didn't work, she threw her rifle at me, and then stretched her arms in front of her body, as if that could stop me from getting to her.

_Heh. Nice try._

I rammed her down and looked around when she hit the ground - unconscious, probably dead - , feeling a little disappointed that the fun was already over. Tali came over and tossed my shotgun back at me. I couldn't really see her face under the helmet, but it felt like she was smiling. Heh. If that kid kept hanging around Shepard and me, she'd grow into a very interesting person.

"Guys." Shepard came back up the stairs, looking mildly annoyed, with the Asari kid on her heels. "Office is over there."

She walked up to a glass door at the very end of the hall and actually shot the damn thing open, which more or less denounced how she felt about babysitting a 106 years old child. There was a chance that she was also pissed at the bullshit everyone in the planet was giving us. Or maybe she was bored. With women, you never know.

She approached the terminal over the desk, and Tali jumped a little bit, like she usually did whenever Shepard stepped close to anything that looked like important tech.

"Do you want me to do it?" She asked, and Shepard gave her a look.

"I got this."

"Are you sure? Because I can…"

"Give me some credit, kid." She puffed a lock of hair off of her face and started tampering with her omnitool. "I've been trained as an infiltrator. I can do this."

"I know." Tali said, sheepishly. "It's just, you usually blow things up instead of hacking them. I get worried."

"Girl's got a point." I chuckled.

Shepard rolled her eyes at me. "I got this. Just… Look around, see if you can find anything useful." She waved us off and turned her attention to the terminal, and I turned around and went towards a safe attached to the wall.

"So, I'm confused. We've been thrown in so many directions I'm not sure what are we looking for anymore." Tali asked, hovering over a crate.

"Proof that the annoying Salarian guy is corrupt, to deliver to that Internal Affairs lady, so that she can get us a pass to get to Peek-fucking-15 in return." Shepard answered without looking up from the terminal. "I swear, everywhere we go is the same. Why can't these people work out their own issues for once?"

"Will Matriarch Benezia be there?"

"Probably. We can't be sure, though. Since nobody seems to be capable of speaking the truth around here, we can't take anything for granted."

From that remark, the Asari kid started growing uneasy. With my head half stuck into the safe, I smelled it more then saw, the distinct scent of panic that I was very familiar too.

I looked over my shoulder towards the girl, and felt suddenly very old.

I had seen a thousand wars, and fought a thousand fights, and I couldn't remember fear anymore, if I ever felt it. I probably did, for I was once a child too. But my youth had passed, as did the youth of my people, and now all Krogan were old and bitter. Stupid mercenaries wasting away, fighting meaningless fights, dying meaningless deaths… There were no more kids among us, no one to learn the value of courage, strength and honor, the art of battle. No one to experience fear, and be taught to fight their way out of it.

The ways of the Krogan were dying of old age. That was the real terror of the Genophage. Not the fact that we couldn't have children, but the scars that were left on the very core of our people because of that.

_Goddammit_.

"Kid." I said, walking over towards the Asari. "I can smell your fear from a hundred yards. Now, Geth can't smell fear, but Geth are not the only things we're fighting here, so you might wanna calm your shit down, or you'll become an easy target."

"I am not…!" She started to deny it, but then she looked at me and panicked even more. "It is not… I…"

"Did you change your mind about meeting your mom?"

"I did not!"

"Then get your shit together." I growled at her. I was vaguely aware that Shepard was watching us from under her hair, with something that might have been a smile half hidden in her lips, but I ignored her. "Let me see your pistol."

She got the handgun out of its holster, a little nervous, the damn thing all wobbly in her hands. "Come on now, that's your gun, you can't be afraid of it. Hold it properly!" The clumsy kid fumbled with it for a bit before getting a decent grip of the handle. And then she pointed it at me.

"When you're not pointing it to an enemy, you point it down, kid." I growled, pushing her hands down until the gun was aimed to the floor. "Now, do you see the red light near the handle? That means your thermal clip is hot. Change it."

"Uh. Of course. I, uh…"

"Liara." Shepard called, and as soon as the Asari kid turned, she tossed her a fresh thermal clip. "Always keep spares on you."

"Oh, right. I suppose that is a valid measure, although I thought we were supposed to wait for them to cool down…"

"You can wait, but that takes too long. In battle, waiting can get you killed. The smart thing to do is keep at least two clips on you at all times. If your gun overheats, you change the clips and use the fresh one while the other cools down." I told her, as she started to fumble with the gun again, and then I growled once more, impatient, and took it from her hands. "Goddammit, kid, the blue button ejects the clip." I pressed the button, and the clip flew off. I caught it midair and handed it to her, and then attached the fresh clip on its place. "You might wanna practice that, if you plan on living through this mission."

"O-of course." She nodded.

I nodded back and went on. "Now, you're weak." I told her, and she cringed, but well, it was the truth. Better to be aware of that and work around it than to be a burden to everybody else. "That means you can't jump head first into a fight. The only thing you have going for you are your biotics, so you'll wanna use that right. How is your barrier?"

"I believe it is fairly strong."

"Then you do that first, and stay behind it. Next thing is to keep enemies away from you. Do you know how to create a singularity?" She nodded. "Then you do that, right between your barrier and the enemies. That way, anyone that tries to get to you will get caught in it. Got it?"

"Uh, yes. I believe so…"

"Then remember that, and you just might live to see another day."

She started to say something, but Shepard cut in. "Alright, we're done here. Let's get moving."

On our way out, Shepard gave me a tiny nod and a look, like she knew things. She probably did. I grunted at her in response, in what came to be the most common form of conversation between us, and we walked away.

Just another day.

 

***

 

"As I told you before ma'am, access to the garage is restricted." The guard at the door cringed and gripped her gun for all she was worth.

Shepard made a point of not wearing her helmet as much as possible, so that everyone could see her face. When she was angry, they'd see it. When she didn't give a shit, they'd see it. When she was about to shoot them all to hell, they'd see it. It was a particularly intimidating sight to most people, taken she had a very expressive face, as far as human faces go.

In that particular moment, she was annoyed all the way down to hell, eyebrows drawn together and a vein pulsing angrily on her temple, and the guard was probably sensing that would be the last thing she'd ever see, if she didn't move away from the door.

To her credit, she stood her ground 'til the very end.

"I have authorization." Shepard shoved the pass into her hands and arched an eyebrow. "Now move away. Please." She said, but it wasn't a request.

"Ah, yes, that's genuine." The guard sounded relieved, stepping away from the door as fast as a Pyjack going for jerked varren beef. "Drive safely, ma'am. The weather is supposed to be pretty bad out there."

Shepard didn't stay to hear it though. Couldn't blame her. After being turned into an errand boy for every goddamn asshole in that place, I'd be pretty eager to throw myself at some wicked blizzard too. As I already was.

As we entered the garage, Shepard reached out for her earpiece. "Joker?"

"Yes, Commander?" He answered through open comm, sounding bored. It must be boring indeed, to be sitting all the time behind a console.

"Just wanted to give you a heads up, we're gonna be…"

"GETH!" Tali shouted, and all heads turned towards her, as she dove for cover behind a crate, and not even a second later, a bullet cut through where her head just was.

Shepard rolled her eyes dramatically as she reached for her sniper rifle, at the same time as I shoved Asari kid behind a vehicle. "Hang on." She said, leaving the puny pilot on hold, and propped herself down beside Tali. "Can you pinpoint them?"

"No, all signals are jammed." Tali abandoned her omnitool and went for the shotgun instead. "I'd say these are what the Matriarch had in the crates, huh?"

I chuckled, as both her and Shepard alternated shots at the bouncy Geth things, and while shooting at them was all well and fine, I sincerely wished we had bigger guns to hit them with.

And that's when I had a brilliant idea.

"Hey, Shepard!" I shouted.

"Wrex?"

"Cover me!" I said, as I charged all the way through the garage and jumped into one of the tanks, but not before catching the maniac smile in her face when she noticed what I was doing. "Let's turn things up a notch, shall we?" I mumbled to myself, and then started shooting.

Now those were really big guns.

It didn't even last three minutes.

Local security showed up as soon as the danger was over - no surprise there - , guns in hand like they were ready for a fight.

"What the hell did you do here, Commander?!" The chief of security said, hands in her hips, trying to be intimidating. What a joke. "Do you leave bullet holes everywhere you go?!"

"Pretty much." The pilot muttered through the comm channel that Shepard left open when the fight started, and she rolled her eyes, but not before fighting a tug on the corner of her lips that looked very much like a smile.

"Are you kidding me?" She put a hand in her hip, and walked up to the woman, choosing to ignore the pilot for the moment. "I'm the victim here. As you can see, Captain Matsuo, we were attacked by Geth."

"Geth?" The woman made a face. "You expect me to-- Where did they come from?"

"Well, if I were to guess…" Tali stepped in beside Shepard, mimicking her stance, and I chuckled to myself. "I'd say they were packed in the shipping containers that Matriarch Benezia arrived with. You know, the ones you didn't inspect as well as you should."

"I don't believe that, we did thorough scans of those containers, there were no power sources, no element zero masses…" She rubbed the furrow in her forehead hard, as she apparently remembered something. Something she overlooked, probably. Something she should have realized sooner. "If the containers were packed with those things, then there are many more out there."

"Yeah, well." Shepard huffed hair off of her face and started to turn around. "We'll deal with them. Just keep this place secured the best you can. Last place I went that was under Geth attack? Not pretty." The human started to say something else, but Shepard was already on the move, and I followed her. "Joker?" She called again.

"Still right here."

"Just wanted to give you a heads up. There are Geth in here." She said, and then cringed, and I laughed.

_Getting nervous around the boy, are you, Shepard?_

"Really? Never would have guessed."

"Shut up. What I mean is, things might get ugly around here, so be ready to flee, okay? We're heading out of the main settlement towards a lab located up the mountain. Keep a lock on us and be ready, because there is a fairly large chance that we're gonna need an emergency pick up again."

"Oh, sure. Make me fly in a blizzard, of all things, why don't you, Commander?"

I laughed again. "On the bright side, at least it's not a volcano." I said, and she made a face.

"Can you guys drop it already?"

"It wasn't even me this time." The pilot said, faking offense, and I laughed more. Behind us, Tali was chuckling quietly and Asari kid looked mortified. "Anyways, I'm locked on your signal."

He switched from his usual self to his work mode. He was a curious little man, the pilot. I could tell he held great admiration towards Shepard, and cared deeply for her, despite being as open about it as the crust of a pod crab. I could also tell he drove himself twice as hard, because he was conscious of his weakness, and from where I stood, that was as honorable as being a strong warrior. What I couldn't tell was why would he go out of his way just to make her feel better. He didn't have to. He wasn't her doctor, not her XO, not her man either. And, most importantly than all of that, Shepard didn't need him too. It didn't even add to his usual behavior, since he wouldn't do that for pretty much anyone else. Not that I've seen, anyway. So why her?

Maybe he went soft. Happens with age, sometimes, and humans aged faster than Krogan. Although he did seem very young. With humans, you can never be sure; hell knows that doctor of theirs is almost as old as me.

It's not like I could say anything, though. I was getting a little soft myself, teaching Asari kids how to handle their guns and their biotics.

If Aleena ever got word of that, I'd never hear the end of it.

 "May I suggest that you leave the comm open on your side?" He went on, bored voice on, like he had no more cares to give. "That way, if we lose communication again, I'll at least have a decent idea of what's going on and how to proceed."

"Copy that, comm will stay open." She looked at us from over her shoulder and nodded us towards a parked Mako. _Time to go, then._ "Sheppard out."

 

\- Tali'Zorah nar Rayya

 

( _2183 - Noveria_ )

"Tali, take the wheel!" Shepard told me, as she shuffled around to get herself out of the seat for some reason, and I panicked a little.

"Uh, this is not a good idea, Commander..." I muttered, but she was already halfway out, and I had to quickly grab the damn wheel and take over. Keelah... Of course she'd do that. That woman had the good sense of Krogan when it came to battle.

"You have to keep us moving, avoid the RPGs at all costs! The Mako won't be able to take that much damage!" She kept going, as I turned the damn thing around towards the tunnel and away from the Geth Armature that was standing between us and the rest of the path.

"In case you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a canyon! There's not exactly a lot of room to maneuver! And that thing is shooting some sort of pocket EMP at us, it's jamming all the circuits!"

"Just find a safe place to leave the Mako!" She shouted, and I panicked a little more.

" _Leave_? What do you mean, ' _leave_ '?" I asked, but she ignored me. "What does she mean by _leave_?!" I half shouted at Liara, sitting beside me, wide-eyed and downright terrified. She, of course, did not answer.

As soon as we got enough cover from a rock by the side of the path - very close to the tunnel, but also very close to the Geth for me to be comfortable with -, Wrex pressed my shoulder with that hammer he has for a hand.

"Here's fine." He said, and I slammed the breaks. Liara almost flew out of the Mako, but made no sound at all.

"Fine for what?!" I turned around in time to see Shepard pulling her sniper rifle and reaching out for the hatch.

"We're going out." She answered me, like it was nothing. Like we were not in the middle of a snowstorm, surrounded by Geth, with an Armature to deal with.

"What do you mean, ' _out_ '? Shepard?!" She opened the hatch, and the cold almost killed me on the spot. "Dammit! Guys?! Did you not hear the VI warning us about a Level I Cold Hazard?" I tried, but she was already out there, and Wrex was following her, and... Well, fuck. I turned around and grabbed a shocked Liara by the shoulders. "Hey! Do you know how to drive this thing?"

She didn't answer, just stared into nothing. Of all Asaris to be stuck with, I had to get the useless one. Keelah, my lack of luck never ended.

"Liara!" I slapped her in the face - well, helmet, but we Quarians have a way with that kind of thing - and she finally looked at me. "Can you drive this thing?"

"I ca... I don't... I..."

"Concentrate!" I yelled at her and she jumped a little, but her eyes seemed to focus. "Here's the gas, here's the breaks, and I don't know what you call the other one, but you know what it does, right?" She nodded. "Good. Here's the main guns, here's the missiles. You sit here, and keep an eye out for us. If it looks like we're gonna die, you drive this thing over there, guns blazing, and run over as many Geth as you can. Got it?" She gapped and I rolled my eyes. Why? Of all people, why her? "LIARA!"

"Got it!" She yelled, sounding as far from confident as it gets, but what the hell. Beggars can't be choosers.

"Okay. And try not to kill us while you're at it! Or yourself..."

I jumped out of the seat and towards the hatch and opened it myself, and almost gave up right there, hanging half way out of the cabin. What the hell was I doing? I wasn't a marine! I wasn't even a soldier! I was just some kid on her Pilgrimage! Why, why in the whole wide universe, would I find it to be a good idea to jump out in the cold to shoot a Geth Armature _on foot_?

ON FOOT!

I gripped my shotgun. Outside, Shepard was running point in the stupidest plan ever, with Wrex guarding her back. Inside, Liara was looking like someone who's 100% sure they're gonna die. Soon.

_So, which one do you wanna be?_ \- I could almost hear my father saying - _The one fighting the Geth, or the one crying in the car?_

Well, I wasn't crying, so that's a point, right? Also, the Geth were our business all the way. The Quarian people created them. The Quarian people tried to destroy them. The Quarian people turned them into what they were now. And it was my personal mission, as Quarian, and as daughter of Admiral Rael'Zorah, to fight and defeat every Geth I ever encountered in my way or die trying.

So I jumped.

 

***

 

Now, let me tell you one thing about snow.

I had only seen it on movies. Of course, there is no snow inside ships, and a Quarian only goes planet side during Pilgrimage, so I had never seen it before. Now, when you see it on the vids, it's the nicest thing you've ever seen. It's white, and fluffy, and looks like some sort of candy, and people have fun on it, and with it, and they get to wear nice outfits for the cold, and everything about it is appealing.

Well, it's all a lie.

Although I did understand that snow was just cute-looking frozen water, by the time I managed to get five feet away from the Mako, I had the most absolute, unshakable certainty that the whole thing - the snow, I mean - had been a devilish prank architected by the Krogans, with the sole intention of watching everybody else in the galaxy perish on it. Like the varren, and like Ryncol - that we actually use to dissolve oxidized fuel from old tanks and carburetors of old machines back in the Flotilla - and like pretty much anything Krogan-related, snow was the spawn of the devil.

Okay, so maybe I was being dramatic. But snow was definitely not as fun as they made it look like on the vids. First of all, you sink in it. Like in water, but denser. Heavier. And it's unbelievably cold, even through my overly-enhanced-temperature-proof suit. Even through the fancy armor Shepard got me.

Actually, scratch that, because as I moved, snow found its way _inside_ the armor.

And now I was burning cold. I didn't even know that was a thing.

It took me a good minute to catch up to Shepard and Wrex. He was holding up just fine, but she was shaking a little. Not all the time, no. Just when she wasn't pointing her rifle at something. Witch was seriously impressive, if you ask me, taken I was barely keeping myself on top of my legs.

Wrex nodded at me and grinned - _or at least I think he did, it was hard to tell when he was wearing full armor. Is that how people feel around me? Man, that must be seriously annoying_ \- and I felt proud of myself for deciding to join them. If I did die there, which was very likely to happen, I could at least tell my ancestors that I managed to earn a Krogan's respect. Even if just a little bit.

"Stay low, avoid the RPGs, and pay attention. Geth Troopers mingle just fine with the snow." Shepard said, acknowledging me with a nod of her own, and a tiny smile.

She peeked over my shoulder, probably looking for Liara, and for a second I thought Shepard was disappointed that she didn't join us. I didn't understand that. Liara was… You see, before we got to Noveria, I just thought she was weird, but after seeing her in action, well… She was kind of pointless. I mean, she was probably a great researcher or something, but other than that, she wasn't much help.

But well, disappointment disappeared fast enough, and Shepard looked ahead again, hands steady as she pointed the rifle ahead and looked through the scope.

"Cover me for thirty seconds and I'll light them up for you." I said to Wrex, who nodded as answer, and I put my shotgun away and started working. "If I can manage to just tap into their camo program, I'm pretty sure I can…"

When I heard Shepard shoot, I knew it had worked. Well, I couldn't hack into the Geth too much without being detected and shut out, but I could mix their program just enough that their mass effect field would react when in touch with snow. So, when I looked up from my omnitool, there were over a dozen glowing spots scattered all over around the Armature. And Shepard just went and shot another one down.

"Go!" She gestured for us to flank the damn things, and then started moving, and since there was nothing else to do, I shrugged, grabbed my shotgun again and started running.

I managed a couple of good shots, but it was really hard to aim in the cold, with my visibility reduced as it was, and shotguns don't have much reach anyways, so I decided to find cover and start working on damping their signals, overloading shields and sabotaging guns. I guess Shepard figured out what I was doing, because she started cleaning a path for me to move near the mountain side, until I reached a turned vehicle and ducked behind it.

From where I was, I had a perfect view of the Armature. Problem was, the thing could see me too. Luckily, it couldn't blow my cover more than it was already blown, so I wasn't about to catch fire or anything. Not so luckily, the pocket EMPs were a pain in the ass and were jamming my omnitool all the time, just by hitting the ground a few feet away.

"Dammit! Come on, you little Bosh'tet!" I peeked over the cover, shotgun in hand, and shot three times at the center of its shields. Kinda pointless, but well, at least I tried. "Shepard, turn this thing away from me and I'll get the shields down for you!" I shouted at the comm.

"You got it!" She shouted back, and then something exploded.

When I peeked over again, the Armature was turning away from me and towards Shepard. With a Geth RPG in her hands. Shooting.

_What is she even… No, you know what? Never mind._

I started working on my omnitool again. It took me a while, because the damn thing had shields as strong as a small spacecraft's, but I took it down nevertheless, and then I ran, because the Geth Troopers had spotted me and my cover was no longer a good place to be.

After that, everything got kinda blurry. I ran, and shot things, and ran a little more. I couldn't stop running, because if I got hit by that damn EMP, my suit would shut down, and well, I'd die. At some point, all the other Geth were gone, and the Armature was the only thing left, but it didn't even look like we were causing any damage. We kept running around it, the cold making all of us a little slower, and soon came a moment when I couldn't run anymore, and just stood there, and shot the damn thing until my clip burned out, and then I changed it and used the spare one, until I had nothing else to use.

_That's it. That's where I die._

"Why… Won't… You… Just… Die!" Shepard was yelling. She punctuated every word with a shot from her sniper rifle and a roll away from the EMPs, and she never stopped. Wrex was still shooting too, using his biotics here and there, but he too was getting tired, and things weren't looking any better.

He popped beside me at some point, tossed me a few thermal clips, and nodded towards the thing. "How do we turn that off?" He asked.

"It should be dead by now. I don't know… The Geth created that thing themselves. Quarians have little to no information at all about that…" I blurted out. I had just realized I was getting skin ruptures on my legs from cold exposure, and had to quickly administrate local anesthetics, antihistamines, antibiotics and medi-gel all at once, so I was slightly dizzy.

He stared at me for a little too long, and then said. "You're good, kid."

It wasn't a question.

"Yeah."

"I only have one clip left…" Shepard literally popped out of nowhere, right beside him. She was a little breathless, and the armature looked like it was stuck on the snow and couldn't turn towards us. "And that thing won't stay stuck for long…"

"Here, have mine." I tossed her the clips Wrex had just given me, keeping just one. "I can still put a couple of tech grenades together, I think. And you're a better shot than me anyways."

She nodded at me. "One last go, then?"

I shrugged. "Or die trying, right?"

Wrex patted my shoulder, surprisingly soft, and chuckled. "Like a Krogan."

And then we ran.

Up close, the Armature was easily over ten feet tall, and the EMPs were deployed from a Siege Pulse assault cannon, with a 360-degree targeting mechanism that was apparently damaged. It was just managing to take its foot out of the hole Shepard had blown under it when we started attacking again. We ran around it, shooting and dodging and blowing it up, but it just wouldn't fall. Oh, how I'd like to take a look inside that thing, just to figure out what was keeping it up…

Next thing I knew, my shotgun had overheated, and Wrex was jumping out of the way of another EMP, and Shepard had just emptied her rifle on the thing and smoothly switched for the handgun, but nothing was working.

And then, a missile exploded right in the middle of the Armature's face - or wherever.

Had I been just a little less confused, I'd probably have noticed the Krogan running towards me before he tackled me down. Then I heard explosions, but couldn't quite see what was going on, until it passed us by.

The _Mako_ passed us by.

And unless Garrus, or Alenko, or Williams had gotten there on foot and taken over, _Liara_ \- _Liara, of all people_ \- was driving it.

There were a few more explosions, as Wrex pulled me up from the ground, and then we turned right in time to see the Armature being ran over by the Mako, the two getting stuck in a weird mingle of wheels and mechanical limbs. Wrex was all out laughing now, and Shepard was standing a few feet away from us with the exact same look I had plastered on my face printed on hers.

_What the actual fuck?!?_

"Is that…?" I started to say, but was interrupted by this tiny, very desperate voice.

" Uh… Guys? Can somebody help me, please? This thing is stuck, I need help…" She called out, and I couldn't decide if I should sigh, laugh or cry. _Keelah_.

"Yep, definitely Liara." I finished the thought, more to myself then to the others, as we started to move towards the Mako.

On the bright side, that was a step up from useless, right?

Sort of, I guess.

 

\- Alessa Shepard

 

( _2183 - Noveria_ )

"Is that it?" I asked Tali, as we approached a tall building in the middle of the mountain.

"Yep, we're finally…" She trailed off, and then said "Wait, that's a turret. Turret at 10 o'clock, guys."

I pointed the cannon and used the Mako's scope, but saw nothing. "I don't…"

"Incoming!" Liara alerted, and a second later I saw the missile.

"Goddammit!" I said, pulling the Mako to the side abruptly just in time to avoid the explosion. "Tali, could you…?" Before I finished the sentence, though, she was already reaching out to the main guns, adjusting the angle without even using the scope, all the while muttering something to herself in her native language. I didn't even think she was aware of what she was saying.

"It's down." She said, once something exploded in the mountain.

"Good job." I patted her shoulder and she shrugged. She was turning out to be a very interesting girl, after all, with something to surprise me with after every turn.

"There are Geth beyond that gate, though." She said, pointing at a gateway blocked by a burning vehicle of some sort.

"How many?"

"Can't say for sure, they're jamming the signals. Something between five and a dozen, if I were to guess, though."

"Nah, that can't be it. The whole lab's being guarded by just a handful of Geth?" Wrex said, more to me than to her, but she answered nevertheless.

"Not the whole lab. This place is like… A front desk of some sort. According to the blueprint I just downloaded on my omnitool, through that door is the garage, and from there we catch a lift up to the offices and basic labs, and then another one to a tramway that will take us deeper inside the mountain, where the main labs actually are. So, yeah, I'm betting there's gonna be like, a thousand or so on our way there. Geth, I mean. A thousand Geth." She sighed, in this sort of depressed resignation, that I came to recognize as her trademark.

"Well, that sounds promising." Wrex chuckled, but I didn't feel that hopeful at all.

Something about that whole thing felt like a massive trap. And we were walking right into it. I mean, is one thing to sneak into a place and do secret business in there because you're plotting galactic destruction. But Benezia wasn't sneaking. She wasn't even trying to. She walked through the front door with crates filled up with Geth, and she actually set them all over the way to the labs, like she knew we were coming.

Well, she probably did.

And although the whole journey up the mountain was an actual pain in the ass, I was pretty sure that was, by no means, the worst of it.

So, yeah, trap.

And we were walking right into it.

"Alright, guys, let's get to it." I said, stopping the Mako right beside the garage door. "Normandy, you with us?"

"Still here, Commander, but catching a lot of interference." Joker's voice came through, sounding a little edgy. Was he worried? He sounded worried.

"Alright, we're going into the mountain, so it might get worse. Everything good on your end?"

"We're good, but the colony is on lockdown until you get back, and local security is a ruckus. They're pointing guns at each other, and calling people out on corruption and treason. It's madness."

My eyebrows went up. "How could you possibly know that?"

There was a dramatic pause. "Well, I may or may not be listening in."

"Joker…"

"Just go do your thing already. I don't like the idea of freezing my ass off in this place." He said, the edge giving place to his usual snark, and I rolled my eyes.

"Alright, guys. Ready?" I looked over at Wrex, shotgun at hand, looking rather excited, and Tali, with her shoulders slightly slumped - no doubt because of the idea of getting back out there with the cold hazard and all -, and Liara, looking like she had just been shocked by a live wire.

They nodded, with different levels of enthusiasm, and I turned the Mako off and headed out the hatch.

I had been in icy places before, but Noveria was like… A freezing version of hell. The cold would get through my armor, getting my limbs to shake all at once. Eventually, snow would also get through, and would start burning my skin, and I was 100% positive I would have frostbites all over my legs by the time I got back to the _Normandy_.

_Charming_.

The five feet long walk from the Mako to the garage side door were enough to have me cursing quietly at every step, with Wrex chuckling over my shoulder and Tali moving unusually fast by my side. And then we stepped in, and the temperature evened out, and we all - except from Wrex - sighed in relief.

"Jesus fucking Christ, what a fucking…" Before I could finish my ranting, though, a Krogan came charging towards me. "Shit."

I had only enough time to step out of his way - barely - and then he was slamming against Liara's barrier.

In the blink of an eye, I had my knife out and was jumping on his back, stabbing him through the gaps in his armor, repeatedly. Neck, shoulder, ribs, again and again, until he wasn't moving anymore, and I let his body drop to the ground with a heavy thud.

I caught Liara looking at me through her barrier, now stained with the thick, brownish-red fluid that was Krogan blood. She was wide eyed, clearly shocked, and probably rethinking all that stuff she was saying about how impressive I was, and how my brain was evolved.

It wasn't.

I acted out of instinct, most of the time. Specially when there was need to fight. Shooting, changing clips, punching, stabbing… Fighting was part of my muscle memory, it came as naturally as walking and talking, and sometimes - whenever I had enough time to think things over - that would scare me.

So I kept myself busy.

"Well, that was not a Geth." I said, ducking behind a crate and pulling out my rifle, as another Krogan started shooting at me.

Wrex laughed and ran past me and towards the Krogan, growling right before tackling him down and starting to wrestle him.

"Tali, shields?" I said, shooting at a drone, and then a trooper, and then another drone.

"In a second." She answered, and I peeked over the crate to see who else I could take down before she was done, when someone hit a concussive round in my face, throwing me backwards and bringing my shields down. She stopped what she was doing and looked at me, and I could swear her eyes went wide. Then she got her shotgun out and shot five times over the crate at whoever shot me. "Damn… You… Fucking… Turian… Mercs!" She punctuated every word with a round, and then slid back down to finish what she started. "Okay, shields are down."

I got up, assault rifle at hand, and started shooting. Wrex had just finished the Krogan off, so he joined me, walking straight up towards the Geth, shooting nonstop, and by the time our guns finally overheated, there was not a single one of them left to tell the story.

Tali and Liara caught up to us by the doorway that would lead us to the elevator, and as soon as I pressed the button to open the doors, the local VI made an announcement.

"User alert. All Peak 15 facilities have suffered a great deal of damage. Biohazard materials present through the facility. Virtual Intelligence user interface offline."

"Of course." Tali did the depressed resigned sigh again, dropping her head a little. "Because cold hazard is not enough."

Liara tuned a pale shade of blue and started shuffling around nervously, following Tali through the door. "Uh… What do you think they mean by ' _biohazard materials_ '?"

"Don't know, but I fully expect green Asari Commandoes to jump at us and try to skin us off." Tali deadpanned, causing Wrex and I to groan. "Anyway, we'll probably need to get the reactors back online if… Uh… Why are the turrets facing the wrong way."

"I guess they want to keep their people in as much as they want to keep others out." I noted, and sighed, my gut telling me that, once again, we were just getting started "I actually miss shooting batarians down for sport." I muttered to myself, stepping into the elevator.

 

***

 

"I am so fucking tired of Geth." I said, as yet another one of them exploded into white stuff all over the floor, while I changed my thermal clip. "I swear to God, give me anything other than a Geth. Anything, literally."

"Are you saying that to me? I've been studying them my whole life, and I gotta tell you, our relationship was much better before we met personally." Tali snorts, like, actually snorts, and I can hear Joker in her words, and it drags a smile out of me.

I was ready to make a comment on it, when Wrex snarled. I heard him growl and grunt and roar, among other things, but the sound he made at that moment was nothing like that. It was something feral, instinctive, and it had the hair on the back of my neck standing straight up.

Then, a second later, I heard it. A rumbling sound, low and steady, followed by something like footsteps, only it didn't sound like feet, really. I pointed the rifle around, expecting something to jump at me, but I saw nothing.

"Something is off." I muttered to Wrex, and the nod he gave me in response was almost imperceptible.

"What's that? Animals? Wind?" Tali asked, shotgun ready in her hands, and I could almost picture her face, eyes narrowed, lips tight, waiting for something to happen.

"This place is in bad shape…" Liara's voice came out shaky, but surprisingly less terrified than before, as she too looked around for some sort of imminent threat that we couldn't see.

Then we heard again, the thuds against the floor that sounded like footsteps, this time followed by a clawing sound that had me jumping out of my skin.

We all froze, waiting.

And then Wrex was slamming me against a wall.

"Rachni!" He hissed, as the spot on the floor where I was standing just a second before started to burn down under some sort of acid green slime.

_Of-fucking-course. Because everything that exists in the galaxy is currently aiming some sort of toxic slime at me, for whatever reason._

_Wait, did he say Rachni?_

And then, the fucking thing came into view.

_Okay, I'll take the Geth now. Please._

It was disgusting. Like a giant spider, but with less legs and a pair of tentacles with crab-like pincers at the ends, and a carapace, and just… _Ugh_. The whole damn thing was a big goddamn _UGH_.

And it wasn't alone.

"Liara, Tali, get out of the way!" I shouted, putting my rifle away and taking the shotgun instead. I didn't have to warn them, though, as from the corner of my eye I could see Tali dragging Liara away and shaking her into putting up a barrier.

_Good_. Although Tali was pretty good at holding her own, and Liara was getting the hang of it, I wasn't even sure if _I_ could beat the damn Rachni. I mean, the last time around, it took the Krogan armies to get rid of them. I wasn't about to put two inexperienced girls into a fight they would most likely lose.

That left Wrex and I to handle a handful of Rachni.

Rachni, of all things.

We started moving, avoiding the acid shots, but the damn things kept walking up to us, and the fact that Wrex wasn't exactly eager to run up to them and kick them in the face had me thinking that maybe it was a good idea to keep my distance too. So we rolled around, shooting whenever we had a big enough time window to do so, but mostly just trying not to get killed.

It took eight shotgun rounds to get one of them down, and Wrex was looking seriously worried about the other three. Tali would come around the barrier and risk a few shots herself, but I could tell by her halting moves and the way she would retreat almost immediately after shooting, and even the way she was holding on to her gun, that she was at least a little bit terrified.

_Dammit_.

"You know what, screw this." I muttered to myself, causing Wrex to turn his head sharply my way.

"What are you…" He began to say, but I was already moving, knife back on my hand, exchanging the shotgun for the handgun.

"We don't have all day!" I shouted at him as I jumped over the Rachni closest to me, avoiding one of its tentacles by a few inches. Then I cut it off.

It took some balance to walk over its carapace. I was sure I was gonna fall and become Rachni snack, but I didn't, so I kept moving, because sometimes, in the battlefield, playing safe gets you nowhere.

' _Think outside the box_ ' - my N7 instructor used to say, although he never really liked my _outside the box_ ideas.

Well, he wasn't there to scold at me, so fuck it.

I shot it - the Rachni I was on top of, that is - in the back of the head, and it worked surprisingly well. The thing stumbled down, and as I jumped off of it and ran towards the next one, I heard Wrex shooting a couple more times until it went silent.

_Back of the head = weak spot. Noted._

The next one spat acid at me, and I barely managed to dodge it, getting some on my arm on the process. It burned like all fucking hell. I didn't stop to access damage, though, taking the opportunity to shoot it in the open mouth. The thing squeaked and got up on its back legs, clamping its pincers up in the air repeatedly, and that's when I made one of the stupidest decisions of my life: while still running, I dropped to ground and glided under the Rachni, shooting and stabbing everything I could reach, until something worked, and the thing stopped moving, and, of course, fell on top of me.

I managed to get a little space around my chest by using my arms as a levers to keep the dead weight off of me, but all I could do like that was breath. Barely.

_Great_.

I wiggled around, trying to find my way out, all the while listening to the muffled shots and grunts, and even some yelling, until Wrex's huge hands came out of nowhere, and he started lifting the heavy son of a bitch from over me.

As soon as there was enough room, I snuck one arm from under it and started shooting at the last Rachni's general direction the best I could from the ridiculous position I was at, figuring since there was nothing else to do, I could at least make myself a little useful.

When Wrex managed to lift it up enough for me to crawl out, though, something wrapped around my ankle really tight, and the next thing I knew, I was being lift upside down in the air.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me!" I shouted, as the Rachni whipped a tentacle around to hit me. I pointed my gun and shot at the tentacle holding me up, and I fell down almost too late to avoid the attack.

Almost

I got up and turned around, ready to go for another round, but then the Rachni was floating, and I looked over my shoulder just in time to see Liara glowing blue and muttering something to Tali, who was throwing one of Wrex's incendiary grenades at it. Then she pointed her shotgun and started shooting, and when her clip was busted, she switched for the handgun, and kept shooting until Wrex patted her shoulder a little too hard, almost throwing her off of her feet.

"It's already dead, kid." He told her, and she turned her head to look at him, and then at me, and then at the burnt carcass that dropped loudly on the floor as soon as Liara switched her biotics off.

As I walked back to them, I thought about saying a lot of things. ' _Sorry for acting stupid_ '. ' _Thank you for the help_ '. ' _What the fuck is going on in here anyways_ '. None of them felt right though, so I settled for: "Good job, guys."

I squeezed Tali's shoulder just a bit and nodded, handing her a fresh set of thermal clips. Then I patted Liara in the back and gave her a tiny smile, choosing not to comment on the fact that she was trembling from head to toe. When I turned to Wrex, he smirked, and I rolled my eyes, and we both nodded, and that was the end of the conversation.

That meant we had to move on to the next alarming subject.

"So, I've never seen anything like them." Tali said, after a long moment of silence.

"That's because they were all exterminated before your parents were even born." Wrex told her, voice grave, but surprisingly even. "They're Rachni."

"Oh." Was Tali's response to that. "Are you, uh, sure? I mean, you just said it, they were all exterminated…"

"That can't be it." Liara mumbled, more to herself than to us, her scientist side kicking in while she was still trying to recompose herself. "Probably a similar species of some sort… Xenobiology is not my field, but someone in the labs might know…"

"I bet they do. I bet they have a lot to say about those things." I said, and looked over at Wrex, who was staring at the dead Rachni "Are you sure?" I asked him, and he nodded.

"They look a little different." He started, after a beat of silence. "Smaller, seemingly weaker. The carapace is thinner. But they _are Rachni_. I'm sure."

"Well, fuck." I sighed. "Looks like we found the biohazard materials."

An ancient, vicious killer species brought back to life and set off to kill me. _Just what I needed_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing Tali here. I like to think of her as this kid who's just learning how to get around things, and since she lived her whole life in the flotilla, that's her first contact with pretty much everything else that exists in the galaxy. In this part of the story - the first game - she's still very fresh, and she catches a little of everybody's personalities. So she gets to be sassy like Joker, and badass like Shepard, and tough like Wrex, and in the future, all these little pieces are gonna make her the grown up Tali we see in the third game.  
> I'm just babbling here, though.  
> Hope you enjoyed it!


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